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SOMEBODY GET ME A GUN
May 15, 2004 ~ 1:19 PM
I've been feeling a little better. Been eating at most one meager meal a day but hey, it's food. And I've gotten sleep the last two nights. Last night I had a dream that me and Matt were back together though. ANd it seemed so real that when I woke up alone it hurt like fuck. I think I'm just gonna not sleep.
I've been talking to my guy friends a little more and it's really great catching up. And just... laffing. I even went so far as to let Jake pretend to hit on me yesterday. I'm usually all like... don't do that. Lol. But he was drunk/high and it was SO fucking hilarious. He was hitting on my with CivIII terminology. Haha. I was like... wow. U know. Well, maybe you don't. Lol. But it was hilarious. And I was going through my pix looking for one of my mom and I saw Nate's pic. Which is that guy who never knew I existed or acknowledged my existence anyway while we were in high school but was hitting on me last time I was down here in Glendora... I think I got it through to him last time I wasn't interested. So I called him on a whim. And ended up talking to him about just about... NOTHING... for 59 minutes and 54 seconds. Lol. He's a chill kid. I might hang out with him today. Which means I'm gonna hafta change outta this skirt. Lol. No skirts when I hang out with guy friends who used to have crushes on me. Lol. That's my own personal rule made on Matt's behalf. Makes sense, dun it? Well... maybe not. But still. Lol. I think I'm just beyond whipped, now. Lol. Mer. I prolly won't even hang out with any of my guy friends. It would make me miss Matt too much. Talking to them is okay. Hanging out with them ... mer. Don't really wanna. So Matt's coming down soon hopefully so we can take care of unfinished business. He claims he's starting to feel things for me again. But he won't let himself love me. Okay, THAT I don't understand. I mean, if he loves me, why would he... not? Ugh. Guys are SO confusing. Especially this particular little boy I accidently fell in love with. When looking back, I really don't understand how I ended up falling for him. I loved him a lot from the beginning but like... as a friend... or a little brother... And I dated him cuz I thought I WOULDN'T fall for him. Plus he's hot. Lol. But yeah... somewhere in there... I fell for him. I can't imagine my life without him. I still don't wanna live my life without him. But I have a little bit of hope now that he'll come back to me. I'll believe it when he comes down here, though. And tells me to my face. I don't think that he doesn't love me. He won't be able to say that. I think he's just gonna ask me to wait for him. And then he'll come back to me. I hate that he's going to Costa Rica, and I don't think I'll forgive him for that ever... but I'm sure eventually he can make that up to me... right? Hopefully. I tend to hold grudges when hurt to this degree. I don't think I've ever REALLY forgiven Noah either... on the surface I have... but god damn it still hurts. He's more than made it up to me. Cuz I hurt him. He was in love with me and I felt jack shit for him. That's something that I will let go of now. My pain with Noah. I think he's paid his due. But now... I can't believe that Matt is going to Costa Rica after all the drama we went through. It fucking hurts. And it's not something I'm gonna automatically forgive him for. I've put up with a lot. Matt really does need to grow up. But this Costa Rica thing takes the cake. Pain rips through my whole body everytime I think about it. I'm so weak. I really just can't wait to have him in my arms again. To relieve all the fucking stress plaguing me right now. Then, at least I can be lonely and heartbroken without the stress. I think imma go force myself to eat something now. I still want a gun. Because... just in case. You know.
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�MY 5 MOST RECENT ENTRIES�
August 02, 2004 [3:29 AM] - Took the HELL test again...
July 29, 2004 [3:57 AM] - Forgiveness... Meh. Lol
July 28, 2004 [4:54 PM] - Emotional Limbo... *bends over backwards*
July 28, 2004 [1:29 PM] - the miracle of Moo
July 28, 2004 [3:05 AM] - The sound of the ocean....