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And for the first time in 2 months... I feel pretty... =]
May 19, 2004 ~ 9:13 PM
Wow. Where do I even start? So much has happened! Hrmm... well first of all... I'm back with Matt... if you didn't know that then now you know. I'd like to say we all knew it was gonna happen but half of us didn't want it to happen and the other half just plain didn't believe... well... except for me... I was just stressing a lot and in a whole lot of pain. And I didn't know a fucking thing... I just wished with all my heart and soul that me and him WOULD get back together... I knew he just had to see me again though... I just didn't know it was gonna go so well. He walked in and I just held him in my arms and kissed him. And he kissed right back with absolutely no hesitation... God... so much relief. A whole shitload of relief. You have NO idea. I was SO scared. Heh. But yeah... yay. So we're back together. =) And we spent a beautiful 2 days together. Well... it wasn't perfect... At one point, he decided to read my diary... my OTHER diary... the hand written one. And he read some things that upset him greatly and he was gonna just take me home and drive off back to Santa Cruz... Funny... that he thought I'd let him get away with that. He was doing so well with communication. Of course... I was being pushy... but it's for our own good. He's told me before that he keeps shit bottled up and it keeps building and adding until one day he snaps and say... says he doesn't love me anymore and breaks up with me/breaks my heart... Just an example =P And no siree we did NOT want that happening again EVER. So there was no way he was going anywhere until he talked to me. Or rather, he listened to me. But at least he listened. And I did get through to him. He's still hurt and I feel like a rotten piece of shit cuz I can't do anything to take it back or fix it or make his pain go away. Such an awful feeling. I feel like I'm chained down and watching the love of my life drown. That's just the feeling though cuz I clearly would not be of any assistance anyway cuz I couldn't swim when my life depended on it. But it's that feeling. And it's a shitty ass fucking feeling. It's tearing me apart. And it terrifies me. Because he's 400 miles away again. And if he thinks too much about it, if he dwells on it and feels that pain then I'm scared he's just gonna decide to not love me again. Or deny his love for me again... Leave me... break my heart. Go to Costa Rica... He's not going anymore. Cuz of me. Reasons. Please only congratulate me about it if it turns out healthy... cuz keeping in mind all the shit I've put in my body {yay for crystal meth!} I don't think it'll work out. But in any case Matt is gonna stay home from Costa Rica to be with me and to work so we can make more money. That kid really really really does love me. If he didn't, he wouldn't have given up Costa Rica for me. Well... he had before... but he keeps saying it's different now. I don't think so. I love him just the same and his going would hurt me just as much. Now he's got even more incentive though. I thought maybe he'd go because of my diary thing... I am so glad he still decided to keep his promise. My little boy is growing up real fucking fast and I am impressed as all hell. I can't even begin to explain to him how much he's matured and how much I love him for... everything... I didn't wanna ruin anything for him. I love him so much and he's doing SO fucking good. And I know what I did still hurts, but he promised he'd still love me no matter how frustrated he gets or how upset he is... He's not gonna let his frustration get in between our love anymore. Thank the stars... he doesn't know how much that means... He has NO idea!!! If I could love him any more than I already do, I would love him more for that. And for loving me even while he's in pain. That is something that... Iono... It's good. Cuz after time, the pain will go away. I can't erase my past... but my past is what hurts him. Although my past can't be erased, I can make sure I don't make the same mistakes ever again in the future. Boy am I ever in love with this Matt Duncan kid.
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�MY 5 MOST RECENT ENTRIES�
August 02, 2004 [3:29 AM] - Took the HELL test again...
July 29, 2004 [3:57 AM] - Forgiveness... Meh. Lol
July 28, 2004 [4:54 PM] - Emotional Limbo... *bends over backwards*
July 28, 2004 [1:29 PM] - the miracle of Moo
July 28, 2004 [3:05 AM] - The sound of the ocean....