Last Entry - Next Entry - Newest Entry Convo with Jon May 23, 2004 ~ 3:24 AM So I saw my friend Jon online tonight... He's usually at work at this time... Or sleeping when I'm awake... Turns out he got time off work cuz he met a wonderful girl and he dunno if she'll call and he's like... all depressed and bothered... by the situation... So I talked to him a long time about that... Then this: FckStartMyHeart: i remember beign single and lonely FckStartMyHeart: now i'm not single... and lonely FckStartMyHeart: i dunno which is worse... FckStartMyHeart: wut say u? Psy1282: personally the loneliness is the killer end FckStartMyHeart: yeh FckStartMyHeart: the front is jus. not important. Psy1282: don't be depressed and bothered silly gurl your the one with the faith in love and all.... you should be not worrying at all FckStartMyHeart: =) FckStartMyHeart: ugh FckStartMyHeart: the problem is that HE doesn't FckStartMyHeart: and it REALLY hurts FckStartMyHeart: no matter how much faith i have in him... it still hurts me FckStartMyHeart: a lot Psy1282: it just takes some guys long time to realize what it is that they really have..... just hope that he doesn't realize before its to late.... and either way he'll come crawling back FckStartMyHeart: ha FckStartMyHeart: i don't want that tho FckStartMyHeart: i want mutual love FckStartMyHeart: and thriving FckStartMyHeart: and devotion FckStartMyHeart: Noah came crawlign back FckStartMyHeart: and i sorta jus... felt sorry for him... FckStartMyHeart: like here's this puppy that sez i kicked him when i really haven't FckStartMyHeart: but i feel bad anyway FckStartMyHeart: just at the thought of any puppy being kicked FckStartMyHeart: u kno? Psy1282: well that is where you made the mistake....you can't always let them get the best of you.... if you were smart you would understand that you have all the power Psy1282: women always have the power in the relationship Psy1282: unfortunately you let yourself get kicked around and get fooled into thinking its your fault FckStartMyHeart: ... FckStartMyHeart: but it is Psy1282: let me tell you something sweetie.... its not your fault when they fuck up FckStartMyHeart: lol FckStartMyHeart: no no... I fucked up FckStartMyHeart: a lot FckStartMyHeart: with Noah FckStartMyHeart: and now with Matt Psy1282: you sleepin around on em Psy1282: ? FckStartMyHeart: trying real damned hard to put the pieces back together again but the 400 miles between us ain't helpin FckStartMyHeart: FUCK NO FckStartMyHeart: i would NEVER FckStartMyHeart: actually... FckStartMyHeart: the idea sickens me Psy1282: than how could you possibly have fucked up FckStartMyHeart: i talked to Noah FckStartMyHeart: and wanted to be his friend FckStartMyHeart: cuz i didn't wanna hurt him like he hurt me FckStartMyHeart: but in doing htat FckStartMyHeart: i hurt matt FckStartMyHeart: Noah being in love with me still... the crawling back thing... u kno Psy1282: well that is matt's own psychosematic problem FckStartMyHeart: and the thign is... i was jus wishing matt would trust me FckStartMyHeart: and yeh... FckStartMyHeart: ugh FckStartMyHeart: no FckStartMyHeart: cuz i hurt him FckStartMyHeart: i kno i did Psy1282: if he can't understand that you love him and wouldn't do anything to hurt him than its his own thing FckStartMyHeart: but i've left him before FckStartMyHeart: in the beginning FckStartMyHeart: 3 months into my relationship with matt... FckStartMyHeart: noah came crawling back FckStartMyHeart: and convinced me FckStartMyHeart: that if i didn't try agn with him FckStartMyHeart: that i would regret it forever FckStartMyHeart: etc etc Psy1282: or you just say fuck u to noah.... because if he is going to cause so much turbulence in a relationship that actually means something he isn't worth it FckStartMyHeart: yeah FckStartMyHeart: i told him that i'm not talkin to him anymore FckStartMyHeart: and he told me fine then i don't love u anymore FckStartMyHeart: and i'm just like... okay FckStartMyHeart: y cudn't u do that BEFORE FckStartMyHeart: ugh FckStartMyHeart: guys FckStartMyHeart: er not guys... jus noah Psy1282: always realize when its gone how really good it was for them FckStartMyHeart: noah and his fucking obsessive compulsive bi-polarity FckStartMyHeart: lol FckStartMyHeart: yeah FckStartMyHeart: three times FckStartMyHeart: this last time Psy1282: see than he is just really not worth it FckStartMyHeart: was the 4th time he came back FckStartMyHeart: he offered Matt a million dollars to break up with me FckStartMyHeart: and he woulda done it too FckStartMyHeart: he woulda sold every single fuckin thing he owned Psy1282: one strike and they are out rule is the best way to hand the ex game FckStartMyHeart: to get a million dollars FckStartMyHeart: LOL FckStartMyHeart: one strike FckStartMyHeart: shit Psy1282: you laugh but I am serious FckStartMyHeart: i'm on my third strike with matt FckStartMyHeart: i left him for noah and he took me back FckStartMyHeart: that was a month into the relatioship Psy1282: if they are an ex it means they already had their chance if they fuck up the second time.... it aint worth it FckStartMyHeart: then we broke up cuz i moved back down here FckStartMyHeart: 3 months into the relationship FckStartMyHeart: and he came down here after a week, convinced me to move up with him FckStartMyHeart: so that's the second time FckStartMyHeart: and then i fucked up two weeks ago goin to see Noah FckStartMyHeart: and he took me back yet again FckStartMyHeart: so me... i am on my third fuckin strike Psy1282: see the only problem I see is NOAH FckStartMyHeart: tis why i am TERRIFIED FckStartMyHeart: dammit FckStartMyHeart: lol FckStartMyHeart: yeh FckStartMyHeart: he's gone now FckStartMyHeart: but then there's my past FckStartMyHeart: Matt decided he'd read my hand written diary FckStartMyHeart: and found out some stuff i did with guys in the past Psy1282: oo no good FckStartMyHeart: and he almost broke up with me again FckStartMyHeart: but didn't FckStartMyHeart: cuz i convinced him not to FckStartMyHeart: god FckStartMyHeart: that was hard Psy1282: thats his own fault if can't understand that you have a past....everyone has a past FckStartMyHeart: the hardest thing in the world i ever did was to let him drive away three days ago... i wanted to jus hold onto him FckStartMyHeart: cuz i know once he was 400 miles away frm me again he'd jus concentrate on the negative FckStartMyHeart: and forget all our love FckStartMyHeart: yeh... FckStartMyHeart: he feels betrayed tho FckStartMyHeart: cuz i didn't tell him about the things i did Psy1282: oh bother FckStartMyHeart: cuz usually, if i say anything bout boys inmy past FckStartMyHeart: he gets PISSED FckStartMyHeart: and yells at me FckStartMyHeart: "kat why do u tell me this shit" "i dun wanan know that kinda shit, kat" FckStartMyHeart: etc etc Psy1282: well I dunno what to tell you.... FckStartMyHeart: but see, he'd asked me specifically one time, if i'd done anything with my friend greg while me an dhim were broken up while i was down here FckStartMyHeart: and i din't know if i shud tell him FckStartMyHeart: cuz he'd jus yell at me FckStartMyHeart: so i told him i kissed greg FckStartMyHeart: but dint tell him i tried to give him head FckStartMyHeart: cuz well... i din't think he'd wanna kno that FckStartMyHeart: it's hard for me to judge FckStartMyHeart: cuz he jus yells at me usually when i say anything like that FckStartMyHeart: but mer FckStartMyHeart: i fucked up FckStartMyHeart: i know i did Psy1282: what does it matter if you were broken u Psy1282: up FckStartMyHeart: because FckStartMyHeart: he'd taken me back FckStartMyHeart: and he'd asked me FckStartMyHeart: i don't think it matters FckStartMyHeart: because when i tried to do it, i couldn't FckStartMyHeart: cuz greg wanted me to give him head FckStartMyHeart: but i dind't FckStartMyHeart: cuz i cudn't... FckStartMyHeart: i loved matt too much FckStartMyHeart: even tho we weren't really together FckStartMyHeart: *sigh* FckStartMyHeart: id on't cheat on my boyfriends... cuz i CAN'T Psy1282: well than there was no foul matt is just a little reactinoary FckStartMyHeart: when i love someone FckStartMyHeart: it disgusts me to be with anyone else FckStartMyHeart: yeh... but he's hurting so bad FckStartMyHeart: he feels so betrayed FckStartMyHeart: i jus wanna hold him FckStartMyHeart: and make his pain go away FckStartMyHeart: but when he's up there so far from me, he jus keeps thinkin about it FckStartMyHeart: and makes himself more pissed FckStartMyHeart: and then he won't even TALK to me FckStartMyHeart: let alone say things like "i love you" FckStartMyHeart: which scares me cuz then i think he's gonna leave me agn FckStartMyHeart: GRA!!!! FckStartMyHeart: *frustrated* FckStartMyHeart: i feel so fuckin helpless Psy1282: I can understand that Psy1282: its unfortunate that guys can be so outta wack and over react to stuff Psy1282: but thats all a part of growin up I guess and mannin up FckStartMyHeart: yeah FckStartMyHeart: he's just a little boy FckStartMyHeart: he's so cute tho FckStartMyHeart: jus turned 18 and i love him to death Psy1282: no wonder he has soooo many hang ups Psy1282: lotsa growin up to do FckStartMyHeart: lol FckStartMyHeart: yeh FckStartMyHeart: tearin me apart tho FckStartMyHeart: eesh Psy1282: well sorry babe but its time I try and get some sleep Psy1282: clear my head or something FckStartMyHeart: *sigh* FckStartMyHeart: okies FckStartMyHeart: dream good dreams FckStartMyHeart: she'll call, k? Psy1282: hope you do too.... don't lose faith Psy1282: for both of us Psy1282: I still hope you are right Psy1282: goodnight FckStartMyHeart: <3 I was so happy earlier today... I was feeling so loved and such... And then I was talkin on the phone with Matt and he got annoyed... Cuz I really wanted to hear him say "I love you" and he wasn't sayin it so I kept keepin him on the phone cuz I wanted to hear it... *sigh* I feel bad cuz he has work really early in the morning and it was already 1. I am so needy. But I just need love. I don't ever really need anything else... it's very weird. I just need Matt... to love me... well, that and I need to know that I'm not ever gonna lose him again... And that it's forever... I mean, I have so much faith in him... I have so much faith in us and in love... but he keeps trying to kick the shit outta my hope. And then he goes and does things like drive me crazy... like he'll totally turn me on over the phone even though he won't be able to do anything about it when I'm all wet and horny... Like he talks dirty to me and just LAFFS at me. Ugh... It just makes me miss him more and makes me wish I were with him... near him... I need to be near him so bad. Last Entry - Next Entry - Newest Entry ~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~ �MY 5 MOST RECENT ENTRIES� August 02, 2004 [3:29 AM] - Took the HELL test again... July 29, 2004 [3:57 AM] - Forgiveness... Meh. Lol July 28, 2004 [4:54 PM] - Emotional Limbo... *bends over backwards* July 28, 2004 [1:29 PM] - the miracle of Moo July 28, 2004 [3:05 AM] - The sound of the ocean.... .