Last Entry - Next Entry - Newest Entry *scratches head* ... can't think of a subject, I'm pretty all over the place tonight.. heh May 24, 2004 ~ 3:53 AM Today went okay... I was reading up online on how to give better head. Lol. Yay for fellatio. It was sorta turning me on... and driving me crazy... bad stuff... u kno... Ugh... And yes, five days IS a long time with no sex. Lol. Oye. I fucked up again today. I freaked out on Matt... well not really freaked out but... Well here: as explained to Matt's friend Kevin Stanley whose sn I got yesterday. Harborsux (3:38:59 PM): wha sup FckStartMyHeart (3:39:05 PM): talkin to matt on phone FckStartMyHeart (3:39:07 PM): =) Harborsux (3:39:10 PM): yeah awww Harborsux (3:39:21 PM): ur phone bill is prob pretty huge huh Harborsux (3:56:15 PM): gotta go enjoy ur phone sex Auto response from Harborsux (3:56:15 PM): on the phone with my sexy little boyfriend.... Harborsux (6:50:34 PM): u talk to mat long enough FckStartMyHeart (6:50:47 PM): not phone sex FckStartMyHeart (6:50:51 PM): he's actually upset with me again FckStartMyHeart (6:51:02 PM): cuz he never tells me "i love you" anymore and i want him to... meh Harborsux (6:51:02 PM): whatd u do FckStartMyHeart (6:51:11 PM): cuz he used to tell me all the time FckStartMyHeart (6:51:14 PM): like text messages FckStartMyHeart (6:51:16 PM): calls me from work FckStartMyHeart (6:51:17 PM): etc FckStartMyHeart (6:51:20 PM): and now he doesn't Harborsux (6:51:23 PM): so why is he mad at u FckStartMyHeart (6:51:31 PM): and i asked him "could you tell me you love me" FckStartMyHeart (6:51:34 PM): and he got all pissed FckStartMyHeart (6:51:35 PM): and hung up on me FckStartMyHeart (6:51:40 PM): and i dont like bein hung up on FckStartMyHeart (6:51:43 PM): so i called him back FckStartMyHeart (6:51:47 PM): and he jus kept getting pissed FckStartMyHeart (6:51:55 PM): cuz i hate when ppl hang up on me Harborsux (6:52:01 PM): wtf FckStartMyHeart (6:52:04 PM): and he won't tell me he loves me FckStartMyHeart (6:52:06 PM): ugh FckStartMyHeart (6:52:18 PM): i hate when he does this FckStartMyHeart (6:52:23 PM): he doesn't communicate Harborsux (6:52:24 PM): yeah FckStartMyHeart (6:52:39 PM): i mean, i was having a great day, u kno? FckStartMyHeart (6:52:47 PM): and we were talkin on the phone and we were all happy FckStartMyHeart (6:52:52 PM): and talkin about seeing each other tuesday FckStartMyHeart (6:52:55 PM): and everything was fine FckStartMyHeart (6:53:00 PM): until i ask him to tell me he loves me FckStartMyHeart (6:53:05 PM): and he did love me FckStartMyHeart (6:53:10 PM): so it shouldn't have been a problem FckStartMyHeart (6:53:10 PM): ugh Harborsux (6:53:30 PM): yeah thats gay Harborsux (6:53:35 PM): dont be sad FckStartMyHeart (6:53:52 PM): i can't help it. i mean... dude this kid means the world to me. you've seen us together right? i love him SO MUCH. FckStartMyHeart (6:54:06 PM): and he kept hanging up on me jus cuz i wanted to hear "i love you" FckStartMyHeart (6:54:19 PM): 400 miles away is already hard enough to deal with when he DOES say he loves me Harborsux (6:54:20 PM): yeah Harborsux (6:54:27 PM): true true FckStartMyHeart (6:54:30 PM): u've seen us together... we are SO in love FckStartMyHeart (6:54:35 PM): i hate when he does this FckStartMyHeart (6:54:40 PM): he gets pissed and he blocks me out FckStartMyHeart (6:54:42 PM): it hurts so bad Harborsux (6:55:31 PM): yeah FckStartMyHeart (6:56:25 PM): oy. wut shud i do? i love him so much. *sigh* It's just so fucking HARD. You know? Being so far away... and no longer hearing "I love you" all the time. He used to call me all the time and say it. And when I was talking to him on the phone it seemed like he loved me... but he never said it... So I asked him, very nicely, mind you, if he could say "I love you". He just... exploded. It was scary... he got SO pissed. And he wouldn't talk about it... kept hanging up on me... and we all know how Kat hates to be hung up on... so I just kept callin him back... He told me that he would TRY to communicate with me even when he is frustrated... so we can work out our problems instead of just supressing them and in doing so giving them means to rear their ugly heads later. But he was not complying. At all... and it hurt so much. All because he didn't wanna say "I love you"... something that he used to say all the time... something that he felt cuz I could hear it in his voice... I know I shouldn't have kept calling him... I just freaked you know? I hate when he shuts me out. I hate that he can't say "I love you" without me asking him to. Iono... He said a lot of things like "I hate you" and calling me a bitch and a slut and an idiot... It only sorta hurt cuz I knew he was just lashing out and didn't really mean it. Or maybe he did and I just am hoping he didn't. Ugh. I love this boy so much. I know I shouldn't have kept calling... it's just my auto-reaction to ppl hanging up on me... unfinished business... He does love me... cuz later on, we talked online and we talked on the phone and we were fine... and he told me he loves me on AIM... and on the phone he said it, too. I didn't have to ask him to. He wants me to go to Costa Rica with him so that he can go. I love him because he no longer plans on going with out me. That means a whole fucking lot to me... Oh and tonight online, he kept asking me what my ring size was... OMG. That made me deliriously happy. And he asked me how to spell "amethyst". OMG OMG OMG. That makes me very happy... cuz for the past four days he's been telling me he's not sure if he wants to marry me anymore... I know he will eventually... once we can get through this choppy thunderstorm it'll be smooth sailing to paradise. Problem is this storm. But if he was thinking about an enagement ring, god damn- I'm sold. If EVER the situation comes up again, when I need to hear "I love you", instead of calling him repeatedly, I'll just come here and look up that convo and that in itself will cheer me up. I love him so fucking much. Geep... Tonight I was talking to Jake, and I realized just how important he really is. Iono... Sometimes I feel like ppl take me for granted... And I don't like it. I thanked him for being my friend and I really meant it. Cuz I mean, he cares you know? He's on my notify list. Rough cares, he's on my list. Aaron cares even though I'm forbidden to contact him. These three people took the effort to join my notify list... because they give a shit. Or gave a shit anyway, maybe they don't even read anymore but it still counts. It's the thought that counts. And I love them for it. The rest of you just cheat cuz I send the password to you whenever I change it for myself... you lazy-asses. =) So because of the fact that I know HTML and Julie doesn't, I decided to fix her HTML for her... it bugged me that her previous and next buttons didn't work... Lol. Eesh. I'm so... ugh... perfectionist. So I just took a personality test type thing... wanna know wut it sed? This is wut it sed: I have an Extraverted Sensing Feeling Perceiver (ESFP) personality, commonly referred to as �The Performer�! ESFP general You love to be around people, entertaining and bringing them (and you) as much love, laughter, and enthusiasm as you can. As the Performer, you crave the spotlight, and you enjoy socializing with all the people you can pack into your ever-expanding circle of fun. The one thing that makes you sad is being alone, bur fortunately for you, you are not alone very often. For the true Performer, life is a nonstop party. ESFP when in love There are no limits to your expressions of love, tenderness, and sexual intimacy. Being with your lover can easily turn into an around-the-clock extravaganza of food, drink, high jinks, passionate lovemaking, exotic trips, and anything else you can cram into a day. Whether you are partying or relaxing, you always want to maintain a feeling of harmony between you and your mate. Because you loathe conflict, you may become extremely uncomfortable if you fight with your partner. If you feel there is too much disharmony in your relationship, you may pack your bags unexpectedly, leaving your ex-mate pondering what went wrong. Despite occasional setbacks in matters of love, you rarely get down for long-to you, love is an endless outpouring of fun and affection. You are indeed the love tonic that many people have been searching for all their lives. ESFP where to meet Where can you meet a Performer? �Let�s dance!� You guessed it: The Performer can be found holding court wherever there are lights, action, music, and people. Try bars, swing dance clubs, comedy clubs, restaurants, nightclubs, dance classes, parties, gambling meccas (Las Vegas and Atlantic City), theaters (many actors are Performers), and acting classes at your local community college. I think it's me... I think they've got it... sometimes when I read personality test results I'm like wtf are u talking about... but this one seems pretty damned accurate. Lol. Scary... really... very... Um... I don't think I would ever pack up my bags and leave Matt ever again though... that was the biggest fucking mistake of my life... albeit it only lasted a week and a few days... accumatively. I do like to dance even though I can't... And I do love ... like they say I love... No limits... NEVER any limits... I go all out, man... Ask Matt! Heh. And I do hate conflict... any negativity in the relationship KILLS me... Ugh. I hate that about me... they call it disharmony... I hate it. I can't stand it when there is disharmony between me and Matt! *sigh* That's why I try so desperately to get through to him... All I do is annoy him though... and make him hate me. {His words, not mine} I'm gonna try to not do that... not call him even if he does hang up on me... or not call him so much anyway... Lol. Mer... Eeesh.... I am so in love with this boy... I wish I weren't hurting so fucking much... So in other words, I wish HE weren't hurting so much. I will never hurt him again. I've learned from my mistakes... I shouldn't have been scared. I was a fucking idiot. I should have trusted my own instinct to trust this little boy. Noah was just fucking me over in the head so ugh... Matt had to suffer... And he still is... DAMN IT. I fucking hate myself. I deserve this pain. Matt DOESN'T. UGH! My poor little boy. I hate me. I love him. So so so so so so much. And he was lookin for an engagement ring. *giddy* And he was SOBER. Lol. God I love him. I love Moo. I love my friends that don't wanna fuck me. I love my sister. And right now, despite the pain, life is GOOD. So yay. Last Entry - Next Entry - Newest Entry ~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~ �MY 5 MOST RECENT ENTRIES� August 02, 2004 [3:29 AM] - Took the HELL test again... July 29, 2004 [3:57 AM] - Forgiveness... Meh. Lol July 28, 2004 [4:54 PM] - Emotional Limbo... *bends over backwards* July 28, 2004 [1:29 PM] - the miracle of Moo July 28, 2004 [3:05 AM] - The sound of the ocean.... .