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"Wow, Kat... there is no one on this earth more devoted than you." - Matty Umstead
May 25, 2004 ~ 11:16 PM
It's really not so bad... Really really not. It's not like me and Noah's emotional roller coaster.... It's much more mellow. But with those dips, once in a while... like a log ride... You know... it's mostly just floating and happiness... and then there's the downers... when u jus drop and u get that funny feeling in yer tummy. I mean, I'm hurting, but a lot of the time, Matt is actually loving me very much and very well. I notice that we have about one little spit each day. But the thing is, it's surrounded by love. Like ... he is loving me, and happy... and then for some terrible reason the subject nears my past and then he becomes upset. And I become especially hurt. Because he shuts off his love and he gets frustrated and leaves... shuts me out. And I am already hurting despite his love but when he is upset, ugh it KILLS me and makes me especially hateful towards myself. Yes, as the bleeding heart I am, I also hurt when he IS loving me... Do realize, that I do not hurt because he is hurting, I hurt because I have hurt him and that is not changed with his love. Though I can be happy, while being in pain, when he is in pain and upset... oh god... I just want to kill myself for my atrocities. How could I keep something like that from him? Why did I try to deny my love for him? Wait, the answer to that was fear. This is something that he doesn't understand... He thinks I did it out of horniness or viciousness. I didn't. I was scared shitless of getting hurt my him. I used to delude myself often. And at the time of Greg, Noah had been hurting me a lot. Noah being the first person to ever love me like he loved me. As opposed to platonic love or I-wanna-fuck-you love. And I had been in love with him. I was questioning love in general but mostly I was afraid of it... I was so scared of being in love with Matt because in loving Noah, I gave him the ammunition to KILL me. Noah hurt me SO much. And love just wasn't worth that pain. And I was head over heels in love with Matt. So I tried to tell myself I wasn't! I tried to make myself not... Oh my stars, did I fuck up. Immensely. I realize now, that even though Matt has hurt me MORE than Noah ever did... it is worth it! I should have realized something was wrong with Noah when I was rejecting love. Because if it was really that great of a love, I would be holding onto it despite the pain. Oh my god. And there I was, terrified of loving Matt when everything about him felt RIGHT. Noah yelled at me, cuz when he'd hurt me again, I told him, "I can't believe you made me leave a perfect love with a perfect little boy for THIS." And he tore into me about how my "perfect love" was bullshit and such... and how it was only in my head. But when Matt came down, I could not deny it. I knew when I saw him again, when I was in his arms again, that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. Cuz it WAS a perfect love. And I didn't know then, but I know now, that any pain that I go through being with Matt, is WORTH IT as long as I get to BE WITH MATT. Cuz this is true love, dammit! This is the man I wanna be with; the only man I want and need. I cannot believe I was SO fucking stupid because even though I was "in love" with Noah... I couldn't stop thinking about MATT. Though when I was with Matt, I barely had ANY thoughts about Noah. I was SO blind and I fucked up so bad. I hate myself SO much for it... Somebody told me I need to stop beating myself up over it cuz I really didn't know... But I shoulda. I shouldn't have done anything that could hurt Matt. I shouldn't have tried to not love him. I shouldn't have been so fucking scared. I remember when I started dating Noah... he promised me he'd never hurt me. And I immediately told him "Don't promise me that. You WILL hurt me. You'll break my heart and break your promise". Then he said something about trying to not but point is... When Matt told me he'd never hurt me, my immediate response was "I know." I should have just trusted my gut instinct. I brought all this shit on MYSELF by not believing in my precious little boy. Noah was just fucking me over so bad. Matt should not have had to hurt because of Noah fucking me over and hurting me. Guh. I'm such a bastard. I SHOULD be beating myself up over this because I DID know, dammit. I just didn't listen to my heart cuz I was too fucking scared. I let my fear rule me and now Matt has to pay for my mistakes. Ugh. I can't believe that I am the one to hurt him first. The first time a boy does not hurt me, I break his fuckin heart. Some would say that I do not deserve him. Although I will be the first to admit my mistakes, I disagree with that assertion. I do deserve him. Because even I deserve to be happy. And I make him happy, too. I am hurting him right now but ANYONE who has been ANYWHERE near me and Matt together knows that I make that boy happy, too. I make him VERY happy. And you don't even know the extent of it due to behind-closed-doors love. I was so blind... and now I am in a world of pain. I can only wish one day my little boy will forgive me and that my pain will ebb. When he is happy, I am so happy. When he is hurt, I am devastated. But unlike with Noah... THIS is right.... THIS will be all worth it in the end. Matt is worth fighting for where I should have given up on Noah long before I did. Stupid kitty... All this pain that I am going through right now... it'll be worth it in the end. And I will be DAMNED if I don't make it worth it for Matt, too.
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�MY 5 MOST RECENT ENTRIES�
August 02, 2004 [3:29 AM] - Took the HELL test again...
July 29, 2004 [3:57 AM] - Forgiveness... Meh. Lol
July 28, 2004 [4:54 PM] - Emotional Limbo... *bends over backwards*
July 28, 2004 [1:29 PM] - the miracle of Moo
July 28, 2004 [3:05 AM] - The sound of the ocean....