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Random tears born of a constant pain....
May 28, 2004 ~ 10:13 AM
So I couldn't sleep last night. I think too much. I dunno wuts wrong with me. Matt loves me. And yet I feel like shit. When he is mad at me I know I deserve it but it still hurts and feels like shit. But when he isn't mad at me, I still hurt and feel like shit. I took my mom to my gramma's this morning and on the way back I was listening to "love songs on the coast- KOST 103.5" and tears just start sliding down my face. It had nothing to do with any of the lyrics. I just hate myself cuz I hurt Matt.... I refuse to let him go and I plan on spending the rest of my LIFE making it up to him. But I still hate myself for being so fuckin stupid and gullible. I wish I'd never met Adam Geller. UGH. I fucking HATE myself. WHY!?!?! Why was I so stupid. Granted he was the first guy I was with after losing my virginity unwillingly... He was still a fucker and I should have known it. He admitted to me that he used me for sex. I mean I should have gotten a clue then not to follow his advice. I hate this. I wish I could just erase EVERYONE. But I can't. I decided to make myself something I'm not. And though I hated every single moment of it, I made it seem like I had fun, something to be PROUD of. Brushed it off. The icky feelings. I tore myself apart in the shower. Scrubbed myself RAW. Every single fucking night since losing my virginity... up until I met Noah. My skin is fairly rough because of that. I've never hated my past more than in this month and these moments when my hatred for myself and the pain my past has caused Matt brings me to tears. I am hurting so much. I've hurt Matt and there is NOTHING I can do to erase everything. I deluded myself. I believed that sex=love. And I'd started to realize that was wrong before I met Noah. And I've hated myself even before then... but know, it HURTS. My mom says it hurts cuz I love Matt; not because I hate me. But I dunno. She also tells me I'm stupid because I'm sad even though I'm seeing Matt in two days and HE LOVES ME. I am SO happy he loves me and I am eternally grateful to him for giving me another chance. All the stars in the heavens know that I love this boy more than anything in the whole entire WORLD. I can't ever let him go... even though staying with him means a constant pain... in my heart in the pit of my stomach. I can't erase my past... but I can make sure my future is devoted to making this boy happy and making this up to him. Maybe one day he will forgive me. I don't know if I will ever forgive myself.
I don't understand why I stopped talkin to Jon. He's actually very insightful... for a boy. Good to talk to; makes me laugh. He tells me to just think about Matt's love for me... and not to think about all the shit that's happened and all the shit I've done in the past cuz it'll jus bring me down. That is so much easier said that done... as I *randomly* cry on the 101 freeway.
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�MY 5 MOST RECENT ENTRIES�
August 02, 2004 [3:29 AM] - Took the HELL test again...
July 29, 2004 [3:57 AM] - Forgiveness... Meh. Lol
July 28, 2004 [4:54 PM] - Emotional Limbo... *bends over backwards*
July 28, 2004 [1:29 PM] - the miracle of Moo
July 28, 2004 [3:05 AM] - The sound of the ocean....