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childish fantasies
June 02, 2003 ~ 9:36 PM
If Noah John Dekkers asked me to marry him right now, I would say yes. How juvenile and immature of me... bullheaded... that I cannot get over this boy... I am still so very much in love with me that it tears me up inside... I'm still waiting for him! Here I've got Auriel and Isaac who both very much love and adore me... And I hate myself because I am incomplete without some stupid Chemistry geek who promised me he wouldn't break my heart. I'm holding onto a fucking illusion... Still hoping that Noah will come back to me... EVEN THOUGH I KNOW HE FUCKING WON'T. Yeah, I know. I totally know. He was serious when he told me that we're never getting back together again... I believe him now. As my tears fill with tears and my throat clenches, as my stomach turns and my soul screams in torment... my mind calmly tells me to get the fuck over him. I can't. My whole being will not allow it. I can't. Auriel is having trouble being good... Being in such close proximity must be so fucking hard on him... And poor Isaac, he was awake at 3AM thinking about me with a midterm at 8AM. I could never be a good girlfriend to them... I'm not good enough for them... Especially NOT in the emotional state that I'm in!!! I don't know what the fuck I'm gonna do... I love them both so much... And Auriel knows how to turn me on, that fucker. He does it as often as he can just to make me squirm. Behind Teresa's back... And we all know me, never to back down from a contest of sexual flirtations... I drive him crazy as much as I can... I was talking to Auriel right now and he told me that he's trying to not do anything with me but it's hard cuz he's never felt this way about anyone before... That's my fault. I TOOK HIS VIRGINITY. Of course he's always gonna have a thing for me... Same with anyone who's lost their virginity to anyone... {willingly, that is}. And regardless of consent, you never ever forget the person you lose your virginity to... And he definitely lost his to me willingly... Me and him... Me and Isaac... we're all kindred spirits. That goes without saying... Me and Auriel get along so fucking well that it's creepy. He's just so much LIKE ME. Loud and weird and super friendly and super liberal and super. And I love his taste in music. Beautiful. Auriel is so fucking PERFECTION. And I don't want to date him... I have no desire at ALL. I wouldn't have set him up with my cousin otherwise... I mean, he turns me on... that goes without saying... but I still won't date him... I don't understand these things... I hate myself so fucking much right now... I have so much love. And I definitely have no trouble giving it out to people... but I'm still so hung up over Noah it's ridiculous. I mean, I won't let myself fall in love with anyone else... I can't because I won't let myself. I feel like if I did I'd be cheating on Noah... I'm just so very much in love with him... it's pathetic. I know it. I can't help but think how much it would suck for Auriel to fall in love with me while he's dating my cousin. Isaac... Ugh. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO! I love them so much... I don't want to hurt either of them cuz I love them both so much. Both of them have become my best friends ever... My best friends: Auriel, Charlie, Daniel, Isaac, Ricky, Yoshi. Out of them, I think I love Isaac and Auriel the most; equally. They have made my life seem almost worth living... And I honestly can say that if given the choice at this moment, I'd choose life over death... With the help of Yoshi and Isaac and Auriel, I've achieved a state which, before, Noah helped me reach. This time I did it without him... WHen I found Noah, that was the first time in my life that I could remember when I didn't want to die... And right now, he's gone... and I don't want to die. Because if I had, I wouldn't have gotten to know Auriel, I wouldn't have gone role-playing with Yoshi, I wouldn't have been hitch-hiking near Grace's to be picked up by Isaac. When I'm with them, when I talk to them, when I'm near these people who love me... I'm happy... even though the pain is still there... And I wish with all my being that Noah Dekkers would come back to me... Even though I won't let myself get over him, they just LOVE me. It's... amazing... and very encouraging... Revitalizes my faith in human beings... I love them so much and I am so thankful for their presence in my life... but neither Isaac nor Auriel nor Bob nor Nigel nor Kasey can replace Noah... they can't replace my heart... and without my heart, I can't even begin to do their love justice. I don't deserve the love they give me... I don't deserve what they are offering because I cannot give them back even half of what they will give me... That's so unfair. Auriel is so cute... Lol. I love singing real loud with him. And Isaac, he makes me feel like I mean the world to him... as I did once to Noah... I love people... But I can't love them as they deserve. Just cuz my stubborn ass won't get over stupid Noah. Have I mentioned yet that I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK TO DO?!?!?! No matter what I do, someone will end up hurt. Someone will get their heart broken. Someone will end up alone. Me and everyone else.
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�MY 5 MOST RECENT ENTRIES�
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