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God damn my back hurts
June 05, 2003 ~ 1:39 AM
So I guess I'm gonna fail all of my fucking classes... Oh well. More important things like getting a job and paying rent and figuring out my insurance shit. Getting that fucking desk here from San Jose. Ugh. Getting Auriel to get the fuck over me. I LOVE THAT BOY. But... eh... He's like... Teresa's. Lol. I dunno what to do about that... I can't wait til Teresa and Auriel are gone and I don't have to think about this anymore. So the kid just happens to be one of the very few people out of the tons that hit on me that I would actually have sex with and I set him up with my cousin... Lol. I'm always gonna have that affect on him, though... He lost his virginity to me... Just like how I'll always love Josh Cook cuz he was my first kiss... First fuck. Eh. There will always be that connection... Especially since it was totally consensual. I don't know what I would do if I ever saw Emilio again... Maybe I'll cry. Maybe I'll cuss him out? Beat him up? Ignore him. I'll recognize him for sure. I don't think I hate him... He's a huge part in making me who I am today... same with my parents, my shitty life, my unpopularity in high school.. eh. I'm talking to Isaac right now on the phone... I really don't know what to do with him. He wants to be my boyfriend... I... love him so fucking much but just as a friend... The boy insists that I'll become his girlfriend eventually cuz he's got nothing but time... Sweet kid... Wishful thinking? He might win, though... And then I don't know what I'll do. I can't have a boyfriend. I can't be a girlfriend. Ugh. Stress. So much fucking stress. And then there's Sean. Who doesn't like me. Why? I have no fucking clue. He won't tell ME. Lol. I hate it when people do that... it's like high school all over again... When I think about Isaac I get depressed... I want so much to be his girlfriend... but the thing is, I really don't want to be sexual with him at all... I just want to love him. I want him to love me and just leave it at that... Like Ricky. I honestly love Isaac more than anyone I know right now... Yet I'm still in love with Noah. I don't want to date Isaac. I just want to be his friend. I want to be Sean's friend. I want to be Nigel's friend. I had to explain to Nigel tonight that no I won't have sex with him and don't want to and never will... he's 37. I mean, come on. He's closer in age to my father than to me. He's an awesome person though... I'm tired so I'm gonna be just jumping around and stuff. Totally stream of concious. I wonder if I'll ever be able to view Noah's diary again. I want to know how he is. Where he is... Whether or not he still loves me. Whether or not I can have my fucking soap back. I can't find my Our Lady Peace CD. Makes me so sad. I made a friend in WI. His name is Josh. He's a real sweetie. OMFG I'm still talking to Isaac and he just said that in the past few days he's only been thinking about one thing and that's me. Ugh. At least he's not falling in love with me. Maybe he's just intrigued? Infatuated? Maybe it's cuz I love him but don't want to date him and he sees it as a challenge, huh? I called Travis tonight. I had him join Friendster, yay. He's so adorable. I don't know why I thought he was older when I met him on FTJ. It turns out, he's just graduating from HS this year. Cute... He's a real sweetie, though. I want to meet him. I can't wait... I still need to meet Jaeson from FL. I still love that boy even though he doesn't know it. He prolly thinks that I forgot about him... he still means the world to me.. so does Ricky. So does Allysha, that girl I found on diaryland who takes my breath away. I love Isaac's voice... just hearing it makes me feel good inside... it really soothes me... I wish he lived in Santa Cruz so I could call him when I need him... Sometimes I just need someone, you know? And there's not always someone around... crying alone in the dark is somethign that I've become accustomed to... I hate bothering my friends with my problems... I can't believe I won't get to see my psychiatrist til the 10th. Ugh. I dont' wanna wait that long. I can't believe the fucking mental hospital charged me $600 for keeping me there against my will. Mother fuckers. What happens if I can't pay rent? I'll have bad credit. Be homeless. Blah blah blah. I need a fucking job. I have too much shit to take care of right now. My life is going to shit. Huh. I'm happier... but I've let my responsibility suffer. I have all this crap to take care of and on top of it I have to deal with BOYS. Fucking boys. I wish Brian would move up here and take the choice away. Just come and sweep me off my feet. I don't understand why I would date Brian but not Isaac. It's cuz I love Isaac more... enough that it scares me. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. I can't think of a good way out of this... I don't want to hurt him. I don't want to hurt. I'm attached, he's attached. We both love each other. What the fuck?!?! So yeah me and Teresa go groceries today and we got these two guys to give us a ride back. Joe and Marcus. Both pretty good looking guys as if I needed any more males in my life. Fuckin Aye. Got their numbers. Promised to chill with them sometime this week. Ugh. As if I have time, I have to study for chem final. I'm taking time off tomorrow cuz I really wanted to see Isaac and now I'm not even sure if I actually wanna see him cuz wouldn't it make him more attached to see me again and spend time with me? But I wanna go see the kids so bad... I love kids... I miss being around kids... they make me happy... so real and innocent and happy... dirty... but I love them, you know? I put my lights up in my room... looks really pink... Isaac would love my room right now. It's a pink tint cuz the purple lights show up pink... I wish I could find black light christmas lights cuz that would actually show purple. Mhmm... yeah... Isaac is just somthing that I don't need right now. A ton of extra stress on top of too much stress. Yet I can hardly just kick him out of my life. I can easily do so but I don't want to... nah... I can't... Geez. I'm pathetic. but then, we knew that. Gr. I need to get to bed... Gotta wake up early tomorrow. Ew. But it's worth it. I get to see my darling Isaac... I love holding hands with him... It's just so comforting... I miss... sparkles. I miss being with Noah and just feeling bubbly and in love and seeing all the sparkles when we kiss and hold hands and hold each other... The magic... All a pretty illusion.. much like hope... When I see him again... I don't want to see him again. I don't wanna see Emilio again. I don't want pain anymore. Isaac can hurt me. If I give him anything, any part of me, that's giving him that much ability to hurt me... Ugh. Life fucking sucks.
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