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Tears fall down my face; the taste is nothing new....
June 03, 2004 ~ 7:43 PM
My mom was bitching at me earlier tonight. She's doing one of her little power trip things right now. Ordering ppl around and such. Anyone who knows me in person, knows I sleep with a big pillow between my legs... Always... For some weird reason I can't sleep without it. Even if I'm with Matt, that pillow is still between my legs. Well the pillow case has dried blood on it. My mom always bitches at me to wash it off. And I didn't want to. But tonight she's sorta really perturbed so I took off the pillow case and went to the bathroom sink. And I started crying. I can't wash it off. On May 17th... A part of me died. Matt had come down to visit me... {God, I have not been able to talk about this with ANYONE... Not even MATT cuz he hates when I get emotional and cry and shit so I never bring up the subject with him but god damn it kills me inside. If you've ever noticed my away messages on AIM that say I'm in pain but it has nothing to do with Matt... THIS IS IT. And I'm already crying just THINKING about writing it down here...} *gasps for air* Anyway... Matt had come down to see me... drove down... we'd gotten a hotel room. Okay... me and him have been suspecting I was pregnant for a while. We just weren't sure. Kept wanting to get a pregnancy test but I didn't wanna do it alone and he's so far away. I hadn't had my period for 4 or 5 months. But that night, I was suddenly in immense pain. Lots and lots and lots of pain. Like menstrual cramps but 100 times WORSE. It hurt so bad I could barely breathe... {I hurt a lot, don't I? And very frequently am unable to breathe properly} Me and Matt went to a Denny's and he made me eat food... somethin I hadn't really done for a long while... But he came down so we could go to a clinic to get me tested... that's the reason why he came to see me. But that night... on the 17th... I'd started to bleed. Excrutiating pain... and blood... so much blood. Miscarriage. {crying right now... god it still hurts so fucking much} Not only was blood coming out of me... but also this weird lookin clearish tissue... there was so much of it. So much blood... so much tissue. That should have been MY BABY. When it came out... iono... Matt was grossed out and sorta freaked... I was just... god I was in so much fucking pain. I didn't think I was ever gonna be able to get pregnant because I had already gone through a miscarriage... a forced one... I had been pregnant with Noah's baby... and I'd killed it by taking like 6 birth control pills each day. I felt like SHIT for killing MY BABY. Noah had disappeared and I had gotten 5 different pregnancy tests and all were positive... I didn't know what to do and at that time I HATED Noah... I didn't want anything to do with him and there I was pregnant with his baby... I just... freaked... I killed it. I didn't think I'd be able to get pregnant again but I'd FELT pregnant... Matt's baby this time... I'd sell my soul to turn back time... And gotten prenatal care... something.. ANYTHING. That was my second baby. And Matt flushed it down the toilet at a Motel 6. He said that it would hurt less but when he flushed all that blood and tissue down the toilet I felt my heart being ripped out of me. I LOVED THAT BABY. I wasn't even sure if I had it but I already LOVED it. It was a part of me... inside me... And it hurt like fuck coming out. We knew that I'd lost it. And I couldn't stop crying. I couldn't stop hurting. Matt was emotionless as usual. And I tried not to cry cuz I know it annoys him. EVERY DAY. IT HURTS. I remember it like it was a few hours ago. I wanted this baby so bad. I know I wasn't ready. And I have no money or ANYTHING. But dammit I loved that baby and I wanted it. I wanted to be a mommy. Of course if I hadn't been pregnant that would have been best... but the fact is that I WAS. I had a little life growing inside of me. Half me and half Matt... And I KILLED IT. {I think my sister is wondering why I'm crying... she'll prolly jus assume Matt is being mean to me again... which he is... cuz he won't talk to me and is frustrated with me again. I'm crying so hard I can't really see the computer screen so if there're any typos I'm sorry} I had a baby inside of me and I fucked up. I should have told Matt sooner... but I just kept waiting. Telling myself my period would come soon. Kept telling myself that- even though I had a feeling that it wasn't gonna come. I never pushed Matt to take me to go tested... I couldn't do it by myself... God when I did it by myself with Noah's baby... I felt so fucking alone and abandoned and desolate and I held my breath waiting for the fucking results each test cuz I didn't have anyone's hand to hold onto. I should have made Matt come sooner and gotten me tested. He wouldn't come that saturday even though we'd gotten him a plane ticket... I don't know if it woulda been too late by then... GOD DAMN it hurts SO fucking much. That blood on my pillow was from my miscarriage... Me and Matt's baby's DNA. I can't wash it off. And I won't tell my mom about this she'll kill me. She'll hate Matt. She'd say like if he'd only come on Saturday when he was supposed to you coulda gotten checked out and maybe you wouldn't have lost the baby 2 days later. But I think it woulda been too late anyway. I don't know if doctors coulda helped me. Even if we had found out sooner. Like the week before at IHOP when we went to Longs afterwards to get one and Matt decided last minute that we'll just get tested on Saturday when he came down. I can't wash it off. I couldn't. I watched Matt flush the remnants of my BABY down a fucking toilet. This is the only thing I have. I hope this helps you to step into my shoes a little. Why I can't lose Matt. Why I can't stand to have him leave me and go 2000 miles away to Costa Rica and do god knows what out there. I need him with me right now. I just lost something... priceless and precious and so tragically irreplaceable. I know if I hadn't been pregnant, I would have been relieved but also disappointed. Now- I am devasted and disappointed. I just lost a baby. I can't lose Matt, dammit. I mean, I can't even talk about it with him cuz he just gets annoyed by my tears... by me in general... but being with him has always made me feel better. His presence sooths the open wound of my loss. Our love eases some of my pain. But not all of it. You don't have any idea... every single fucking day I hurt. Everytime I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror... whenever I see Matt or pix of him... whenever I see other pplz children... I wonder about MINE. What would it have looked like? What kinda personality would it have had? Green eyes like Matt? Brown eyes like me? Dark hair, light hair. Boy or girl... OMG. If I still had my Gold Membership this would be in my private folder... I've never written about any of this... I just... I can't even begin to try and convey all the pain I am in... all the loss I feel. And how alone I am right now without Matt. I NEED HIM. As long as I have him... I don't feel so fucking alone. I felt my heart ripped out of me when he flushed that toilet. I have this huge gaping hole inside of me and I wouldn't let anyone know. I felt like this is something that is just between me and Matt. And then he tried to use it as a bargaining chip... My pregnancy... He'd promised me he wouldn't go to Costa Rica. But he was gonna go anyway cuz I went to see Noah. But after the loss of the baby... the next night... I BEGGED him not to and he promised me once again that he wouldn't. And he decided he's gonna tell everyone I'm pregnant and use it as a reason to not go... But now he's decided that he "HAS TO" go... And he's using my miscarriage as a sympathy chip to convince his friend Trevor to let me go with. So as it turns out... I guess all of his friends know. I just... I can't let him go on his own... at first I thought if he married me before he went I'd be okay. I would have been. BUT THEN I LOST OUR BABY. I know I won't be okay. It hurts every day. I'm in pain. I still feel the affects of the loss and even though he doesn't seem to give a shit he was there that night and being in his arms makes me feel better. I HURT. From hurting Matt, from my parents' pending divorce, from losing my baby and from killing my and Noah's baby... it just all comes back and it all ties in together and god I am so fucked and I'm in so much pain. I'm so scared of losing Matt; I just can't DEAL with this right now. His not talking to me cuz he's frustrated. Though he promised not to let his frustration get in the way of our love anymore. My parents are going through a divorce and my sister is just ugh and me I'm here and I'm everyone's shrink and everyone's scapegoat and Matt's treating me like a fucking yo-yo or a flower to tear apart{I love you, I love you not, I love you, I love you not}. He gets frustrated everytime I am sad. And I am always sad when he's not around because I miss my BABY and I miss HIM. Anyone who tells me that I should let him go to Costa Rica anyway can go fuck themselves backwards cuz I CAN'T and I WON'T. I'm tired of ppl telling me I can cuz I CAN'T. It'll feel like another loss and I will NEVER stop hurting. It will break my fucking heart. Yes, the same one that got ripped out of me when Matt flushed the toilet on May 17, 2004. I am trying SO HARD to be strong. And I don't cry so very much anymore. But Matt insists on going to Costa Rica, and now he's threatening to go without me. And unlike him, I'd hate to use my baby as a bargaining chip. I tell him I don't want him to go because it will break my heart but I don't tell him HOW. Or WHY. And I doubt he really thinks about it. But I did use our baby in an email to him last night. Makes me feel like shit to USE our baby. I'm not sure if I did... I was crying last night cuz of so much stress. My mother is transferring legal guardianship of my lil sis to me. I'm gonna hafta be a mom. Basically. To a 17 year old but still... Makes me miss my baby... {Hopefully she'll turn out less fucked up than if she lived alone with my mother} So while I was looking for 2 bedroom apartments last night I emailed Matt with one of the listings and I think I mentioned something about the baby... it was on my mind. I'm only gonna be raising Jen for a year before she goes off to college. I'll never get to see my baby grow up and go to college. I'll never even know if it was a boy or girl. And I am now less important to Matt than a stupid trip. Cuz I fucked up in the past and I can't erase it. I lost my baby and I can't erase it. I killed myself cuz Noah didn't want me; I can't erase it. I hate a lot of things that I've done in my past. I've fucked up royally. Many, many times. Depression-driven... I'm too emotional. Follow my heart and not my logic. And I sometimes tried too hard to protect myself. But I would sell my bruised and battered soul, I'd give up everything in the world... I'd give my fucking LIFE and my future with Matt if I could save that baby. I'm a terrible person, Matt tells me that. I've hurt him so much and I've killed two innocent babies who should have had their chance to LIVE and make something of themselves. I'd do anything to turn back time. To have a healthy baby. I would give my god-fucking-forsaken life to hold that baby in my arms for even a second. But I can't. And I'll never be able to. And Matt wants to go to Costa Rica without me. And he won't pick up my phone calls. And he doesn't say "I love you". And he is the only one who can fill my void. I have to move back up to Santa Cruz. My heart is on the line. My sanity and my livelihood and my life- all on the fucking line. My and Matt's baby... or whatever it was... it was no longer a baby... it's never gonna get a chance. I want a chance. But Matt didn't want to be a father, anyway.
So why does it still kill me? Why does my baby haunt me? Why am I dying inside whenever I don't have Matt by my side?
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�MY 5 MOST RECENT ENTRIES�
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July 28, 2004 [3:05 AM] - The sound of the ocean....