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"Go kill yourself you psycho bitch" - Matt
June 05, 2004 ~ 11:30 AM
Matt told me to kill myself. I guess that means I don't hafta keep my promise to him to ... not. He's still angry and I don't really know why. But the same thing applies as before. He's 400 miles away and I'm sure he can easily say these things. If I were up there in his arms... in his arms like I was 4 days ago... he'd feel our love. And he wouldn't try to deny us our future anymore. He claims he came down here and he didn't love me. That it was just horniness. Well.. I've been used for sex before. And Matt wasn't. Little things he does. Like the way he looks at me sometimes. Like when he holds my hand when I drive, sometimes he jus kiss the back of my hand... no reason. Like when I'm lyin in his arms at night bout to go to bed and he kisses the back of my head and my shoulder. Like when we're sitting together at the movie and he's rubbing my arm. Yeah, that's not lust. That's love. He can't deny his love for me when we're together. He jus likes to do it when we're so far apart. Iono. Power trip maybe? Knowin that no matter how much he hurts me Imma still beg him to take me back. Unconditional love... it'll be the death of me. If I go up there and he's still angry and he can hold me in his arms and kiss me but feel NOTHING then okay. That's different. If he's not angry that'd be even better... He tends to block out our love when he's mad or frustrated. The pain of my loss overwhelms me. Stress makes it worse. I am desolate and desperate and I need Matt by my side right now. I need him to be here for me and love me and support me because he is the only one who can ease my pain. Once me and Matt move in together everything will be perfect. The only reasons why I had break downs before stem from Matt not moving in with me. And the reasons why I have breakdowns now stem from this incredible pain that is soothed only by Matt's presence. So once we move in together, things will be perfect again. Better than it was four days ago for the much too brief two days. Better it was before I moved down here even because back then I was lonely cuz he wouldn't move in with me. Him and me living together eradicates any reason for me to break down. And I won't because I'll finally have the stability and love that Matt always promised me. I just lost my baby. I can't lose Matt. He's what I have left. He was there that night. And he held me. And he kissed me and he loved me and he told me it would be okay. Me and him, we're so in love. I wish he could stop just grow up and push away the anger and find the love inside. If I'm psycho, it's cuz I'm mad with grief. If he translates my devotion and faith into "bitch" then so be it. I won't give up on him. I can't. He's the only thing in the world that really matters to me in the world. At the risk of sounding extremely redundant: I just lost my baby; I refuse to lose the love of my life. Me and matt have something SO special. It is truly beautiful and amazing and awesome. He just... needs help finding him through this fuckin red haze he creates. Anger... he says that I'm emotionally unstable. Least I don't get so pissed off I can't see love at a drop of a hat. My pain... it's not irrational. His anger... IS. He's angry cuz I call him all the time. Well if he talks to me the FIRST time I wouldn't call him all the time. He's angry cuz I call his friends. Well if he'd pick up HIS phone when I call it {I ALWAYS CALL HIS PHONE FIRST... MANY TIMES} then I wouldn't hafta call his friends to get a hold of him. I am not psycho and anyone who has ever loved a baby, expected a baby, wanted a baby and LOST the baby would understand. I NEED Matt right now. More than EVER. And here he is he flips his lid for NO apparent reason. And to top it off... I dunno WHAT Matt told Rough but Rough seems to hate me too. I always thought of him as such a good friend. He's always believed in me and Matt. I thought he was MY friend too. Guess not. Nikki said that Rough just believes whatever his friends tell him to believe and does whatever his friends tell him to do. So iono... I guess Matt convinced Rough I'm psycho? He, of all people, I'd think would understand. He used to read my diary. I thought he cared. I miss Matt. I need Matt. And I will never give up on him no matter how much he hurts me. Not when we're so far apart. Not if he doesn't ever give us a chance to be HAPPY by moving in with me. Cuz that takes away all the problems and only leaves love and happiness. Him moving in with me. No more breakdowns. No more pain. If Matt is gonna try to ditch me without giving me and him a real chance at happiness, I'm never gonna give up on him. Oh, unless he tells me again in person to kill myself. In which case... yeah... remember how I'd do anything for him so long as it doesn't break my heart? *weak, wan, humorless smile*
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�MY 5 MOST RECENT ENTRIES�
August 02, 2004 [3:29 AM] - Took the HELL test again...
July 29, 2004 [3:57 AM] - Forgiveness... Meh. Lol
July 28, 2004 [4:54 PM] - Emotional Limbo... *bends over backwards*
July 28, 2004 [1:29 PM] - the miracle of Moo
July 28, 2004 [3:05 AM] - The sound of the ocean....