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Friends or not?
June 06, 2004 ~ 1:53 AM
I just finished writing a very long email to cai5fnatux in reply to her email to me titled "I want you to live!!!" {give or take a few exclamation points} Pathetically, I admit that took a whole fuckin lot outta me. Jus emotionally. Today did. I found out today that my good friend Rough is no longer my friend. Hurts. Does. Others, too. Matt prolly convinced them that I'm a psycho bitch. I think it's easier for him to convince himself that when he has support. He is annoyed that I call his friends. Now, if he didn't have me estrange all of my friends, now I'd have someone else to call in my time of need wouldn't I? Truth be told, I thought of his friends as my friends. And my friends as the past. All of his friends know me. None of mine know who I am anymore, let alone who Matt is. No one to talk to. When I really need someone to talk to. I need a friend. I thought Rough was my friend. I called him. I guess... he's not. I talked to Aaron last night. And I told him thank you for listening. And he told me "sure, anytime". I know that's a casual response so I told him, are you sure? Anytime? Cuz I'll take that literally. And he told me yes. I thanked him profusely, think I had found a friend. This morning I'd tried to talk to Matt. He kept hangin up on me. I hate when people hang up on me. Especially when I'm trying to save our relationship. Especially when my heart is on the line. I still don't really know WHY he, within four days, decided to go from loving me to hating me with a passion. I needed an answer. He told me... quite a few times, to kill myself. When I asked him if he meant it, he'd told me yes; so long as I am out of his life. He calls me all kinds of immature/stupid names... bitch. whore. stupid bitch. stupid whore. psycho bitch. crazy bitch. dumb bitch. People tell me that he doesn't love me. Harsh words those are... but I see through that. He only says shit like that because he's trying to convince ME he doesn't love me. Which I will refuse to believe until the day I die. Day I die as in... before I die... not WHEN I die. I feel what we have when we're together. He does too. We felt it just a lil over four days ago. The reason why I call his friends is because I no longer have friends. None that wouldn't require three hours of background info just on Matt himself. I would never be able to get out my grief because too much explanation would be needed. I felt like Rough was such a good friend. And Aaron, I loved Aaron I thought he was awesome. But when push came to shove, Matt was friends with them first. And now I find that {quoting Matt} "no one loves [me]". Now, I just feel sorta betrayed. I can't let Matt go. And if that means I hafta call him 30 times every single fucking day, so be it. I will not and cannot give up on trying to find out what I did wrong, trying to explain myself. They think I am crazy but there is a method to my madness. I need him to see that. I am hurt. Over something that boys just think of as blood and fetal tissue. To me, that was a child. But Matt doesn't care. He doesn't care that my parents are getting a divorce and it is hurting me. Cuz he doesn't think that I should care. OH and then there was me callin his gramma. I'd been trying to get a holda Kathy, Matt's mom cuz I'd wanted to go to Matt's graduation and I didn't want his family to blow a gasket. So I was actually gonna ask his mom for permission to go. Free country, I know, but I do respect them more than they think. Well I couldn't get a hold of Kathy so I called Matt's gramma to ask her to ask Kathy for me. Well gramma wanted to talk about other things. And I didn't jus wanna like... ignore her questions n such... I would have loved to... but I really do like her lots and if she wanted to talk okay... I mean, she's 90 I wasn't jus gonna say okay well I didn't call to talk to you I called jus to ask u a question so shut up. And even if she WEREN'T 90... I wouldn't do that ANYWAY. So yeah I jus tried to humor her and answer her questions all the while trying to change the subject to graduation. Then she asked if I was pregnant and I'm sorry if I flipped but I did and I broke down and started cryin and I dint really think of wut I was saying and at some point I told her I was scared of Matt going to Costa Rica and getting drunk and sleepin with other women. So Matt's mad at me cuz he thinks I called his gramma to tell her he's goin to Costa to get drunk and high and sleep with whores. Which he is... but I didn't mean to get him in trouble. I was just... in my sadness and despair, trying to express my paranoia cuz for some weird reason she wanted to know why I didn't want him to go even though I wasn't pregnant. So hmmm... I even offered to call her back and apologize and explain my paranoia but Matt didn't want me to. Mer.
And now I'm talkin to Abel and I'm calmer now... yay
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�MY 5 MOST RECENT ENTRIES�
August 02, 2004 [3:29 AM] - Took the HELL test again...
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July 28, 2004 [4:54 PM] - Emotional Limbo... *bends over backwards*
July 28, 2004 [1:29 PM] - the miracle of Moo
July 28, 2004 [3:05 AM] - The sound of the ocean....