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He's doing it again... I guess I fucked up again...
June 04, 2004 ~ 8:43 PM
I hate not having gold. I hate not being able to write in my diary whenever I want because the fucking servers are too busy. Ugh.
So Matt hates me. According to him. He says that he never wants to see me again and doesn't want a relationship with me and doesn't want anything to do with me. This does NOT ease my pain. He tried to do this before... God it hurts so much. He calls me bitch and tells me to fuck off. And he thinks I'm psycho. I may be a whole lotta things, but PSYCHO is not one of them. God can't he see that I'm just reacting to HIM? If he's gonna try to push me away, I'm gonna get scared and hurt. I had something very important to ask him cuz my mom wanted to sign Jen over to me TODAY. I mean, I put it off by pissing her off a lot.. cuz I couldn't get an answer from Matt.. but I needed to get a hold of him. Cuz my future is with him. And if he didn't want me to have legal guardianship of my lil sis then I would have told my mom and my sister too bad... to their disappointment. But I don't want my sister to get as fucked up as me... living with my mother alone cuz my dad can't take care of her. He can't take care of himself. My mom is gonna move in with my aunt May and uncle Hank and there's no room for Jen. So I get her. Or she's stuck with my mother alone. But the thing is, if Matt didn't want it I didn't wanna do it. Problem was... I couldn't get a hold of Matt. So I called his friend Aaron Alexander[I like that kid] during their break and asked for Matt. I mean... it's a little stalker-like... but it was IMPORTANT. I needed to know. You know? Cuz my mom wants to do it now. I mean... he doesn't pick up my phone calls. And then complains that I call him a million times a day. If he actually TALKED TO ME I wouldn't. *sigh* Oh, and then I did something to piss him off... I was trying to get a hold of Kathy {his mom} cuz I wanna go to Matt's graduation... I mean I was always the one telling him to graduate and do good in school and stuff. So I really wanted to be there too see him walk, you know? But I couldn't get a hold of his mom... so I called his gramma. Who really didn't especially let me get a word in edge-wise and just kept asking me questions. I wasn't gonna jus not answer them and I kept trying to change the subject "So the reason why I called..." but she'd just interject with another question... That was a little frustrating but I don't especially get too annoyed with very old people or very young people so I jus tried my best to answer her questions n such. But then she asked a bad question. Ppl always told you in school that there is no such thing as a bad question but... this was a bad question. She asked if I was pregnant. Tears... Immediately. An onslaught. Torrents. Ouchies... Ugh. I told her about my miscarriage. And she asked me well if you're not pregnant why don't you want Matt to go to Costa Rica. So I tried to explain my feeling of loss and how I need Matt's love and support more now than ever before. Because it was HIS and such, you know? Well, if you read my other entry, you'd know. She didn't understand that and she told me that if I loved him I'd let him go... but it's the fact that I LOVE him that I CAN'T. I told her I was scared that he'd get drunk, smoke weed, and sleep with other women. Which I am scared of. But I shouldn't have said that to HER. That was my bad. I mean... I was a little on edge, though. And a bit over emotional cuz I was crying over my baby and here is Matt's GRANDMOTHER telling me I should send him off to Costa Rica to sin like a mother fucker without me. I know I shouldn't have expressed those fears to her. But iono... the answer I'd given her, which is my MAIN reason... did not suffice. It wasn't enough for her and she wanted more of an explanation. I tried asking her about Matt's graduation and she'd just change the subject back to Costa Rica. And now Matt thinks I'm psycho. I mean, I didn't mean to get him in trouble. I was very overly emotional cuz she'd hit my button... my baby... I still can't believe that Matt doesn't give a shit. Madman said that Matt does... but he's wrong. Cuz Matt's like "It wasn't even born. Of course I don't give a shit about it". Here I am my heart is breaking, I'm desolate and empty, cuz I lost this baby and Matt doesn't give a fuck. To him, it was just some gross blood and tissue to flush down the toilet. I mentioned that Madman said Matt had sounded depressed when tellin him about the miscarriage and Matt's like "I don't know why he thought I was depressed cuz I wasn't". I don't care if it was never born. It was mine and it was Matt's and I loved it. I mean everytime I flush the toilet {when I take a shit, I usually get away with not flushin when I jus piss... I HATE the sound} I think about my baby... or the DNA, the blood, the tissue floating around with feces and urine and toilet paper and tampon applicators. It SERIOUSLY hurts like fuck. But not when Matt was down here with me. Like I said before... he helps fill the void. And now he supposedly hates me. He says he doesn't love me at all anymore. And that he doesn't want a future with me. That all he sees in his future is Costa Rica and lots n lots of naked women. I'm no longer "kitty" or "snookiewaffle" or "kitten". Now I'm "bitch" or "fucker" or "whore" or something else hurtful and derogatory. I mean- it's like he's going out of his WAY to hurt me and break my heart. Even though I know he loves me. Cuz I was WITH him three days ago, dammit. I was in his arms and in his heart and he loved me and still was planning on marrying me on June 1st when I last saw him. He LOVES me and love doesn't jus fucking disappear. Not unless you DIE. Three days ago. I know he's angry right now. But he also won't let me call his gramma and explain. Cuz I can easily call her and blame it on my earlier obvious emotional distress, saying that I said that out of paranoia. That they don't hafta worry about that. I am in love with Matt why would I want to get him in trouble. That was a stupid thing for me to say but I was all worked up and not thinkin straight. Excuses I know, but still... she asked about my baby... and that's a hell of a touchy subject for me. I won't cut. I won't break my promise even though Matt's trying to break every single promise he's ever made to me. I'm so fucking scared of losing him. Same mentality as before though... I don't believe I've lost him. Cuz it's easy for him to say all this shit over the phone when he's pissed off at me and 400 miles away. When I'm in his arms, there is no way he can honestly say that he doesn't love me. I mean with Noah I kept telling people, including Noah, that he still loved me and that love doesn't just disappear. No one believed me and guess who was RIGHT. I mean, too little too late but still. I was right the whole time. Noah was still in love with me. And he was still in love with me up until last month when I mind-fucked him enough to make him stop. {or claim to} I mean... his game... I won. He loved to fuck with my head and toy with me so I did it to him and hey it worked. Ha. Me and Matt... there's something there. And when he's 400 miles away and pissed as a drunken rhino he has no problem denying our love. But it still hurts like fuck, you know? What if? What if he really doesn't love me anymore? I mean, I have so much faith in him. I have so much faith in me and Matt and our future together. He was here three days ago and we were so much in love. He can't just decide to throw away our future. Even if he DOESN'T understand my pain over the baby... even if he DIDN'T give a shit about it... STILL... I don't even need him to necessarily console me about it I just need him to be by my side. And the pain will eventually go away. Right now, my pain is doubled... the loss of my baby with the fear of losing my heart. And on top of that the fear of being unable to get UP to Santa Cruz and the stress of my parents and the unrelenting strain of not having MONEY is just pushin me down so low I'm kissin dirt. And here's Matt jumpin up and down on my back. Lol. That laugh... Iono it wasn't funny... a picture of Matt jumpin up and down on my back with my face in the dirt... I'd rather he do that, than deny us the love we share. He's frustrated, sure. He's mad as hell, okay. But I didn't mean to get him in trouble and I only called his friends cuz I couldn't get a hold of him directly. Matt says that he thinks I'm psycho. But dude... even his friend Aaron.. who is like... the most even tempered, chill guy I've ever met that isn't perma-stoned... even HE said that if he were in MY situation, he'd be ALL pissed. And you see, me... I don't get angry, I get hurt. I just need to be up there with him, you know? I need to BE with him right now. I woulda loved to just marry him and let him go to Costa Rica alone... but after losing the baby... I realized I CAN'T. I need him here by my side. He doesn't need to do jack shit. He just needs to be HERE. I'd still be his slave and his sex toy and whatever. No complaints there... so long as I have him by my side... I cannot lose this boy. Not EVER but especially not now. Can't. Won't. I feel so bad for Aaron... I feel like I bother him... But I feel closer to him than any of my guy friends just cuz I was unable to talk to my guy friends for so long. And Aaron knows Matt... he knew me and Matt when we were together and I'd hafta try to explain to my friends cuz they dunno anything about me and Matt. Madman gave me his phone number a while back and told me to call him anytime I needed to talk and that he'd be there for me. Said his phone is always on. I really needed to talk today. His phone was off. My luck is like that. Or maybe Matt told him to ignore me. Matt keeps threatening to put a restraining order on me. I don't think he will... but if he does, that will effectively end our relationship. Cuz as long as he's not with me he can hold tightly onto his anger and ignore our love. I can't let him do that. I need him to feel our love and to be with me and to love me like he did three days ago, like he did three months ago. So much love. Aaron thinks Matt loves me and he's just being a jerk right now for whatever reasons. It just fucking hurts. I know he loves me. I know we're in love. And here he is telling me he doesn't want me. That he doesn't want US and that he wants me to fuck off. I can't believe him. Because I fell asleep in his arms the nights of May 30th and May 31st; I woke up in his arms the mornings of May 31st and June 1st. Because his love is so evident in ever tender moment his eyes meet mine. Because he randomly kissed the top of my head and murmered "I love you". Because we watched Stargate and he held me in his arms. Because we ate animal together and I could kiss him afterwards. Because he'd put his hand on me when I drove. Because he'd take my hand and kiss the back of it just out of no where. Because the boy is fuckin in love with me. He just likes to throw his lil hissy fits, hurting me deeply, and I always beg him to take me back. He gets so angry. I'm not used to angry Matt. I'm used to loving Matt. He's not angry like this when we're together. Only when there's 400 miles between us. Because out there, away from me, he can claim to not love me, he can convince HIMSELF that he doesn't love me. He can hate me and call me a bitch and tell me he never wants to see me ever again. But with Jen as my witness, three days ago I was with this boy and he was head over heels in love with me. He can't just IGNORE that. He can't just erase that. Me and him can be real damned happy together. Cuz with him by my side, I will have no more break downs and the loss of my baby will seem less significant because I have MATT. I've already promised never to cut again and not to try to kill myself again. All of these problems would not even have arised had he moved in when he'd promised to... when he turned 18. But he didn't. And I had breakdowns. Three. He didn't like em. Couldn't take em. Now he keeps threatening to leave me... on top of my killing my baby... it's real damned hard NOT to just give up and rip the shit out of my arm. My old scars aren't even gone yet. They are totally noticeable against my pale ass skin. But I'm doing it cuz I promised Matt I wouldn't. I'm being stronger than I'd ever imagine myself to be. I wish he could jus put aside his anger... Just LOVE me. Let the love happen. Get over his anger and frustration. I won't HAVE any more breakdowns after we're livin together. He knows this. He should have known this. The reason why I had breakdowns before... his definition of a breakdown being me crying... is because he wouldn't move in with me and it made me feel sad and unwanted. Once he moves in... I'll be fine. When he was down here for the two days I was SO fucking happy. I mean, still thought about my baby a bit and my mom did stress me out but it was still beautiful and I loved it. Cuz I was loved... and that's really all I ever needed. Feel loved. Feel like I belong. All I ever needed... Matt Duncan. I'm so close... and yet so far. It was gonna happen this month. Next week. And now he claims he doesn't ever want it to happen. It'll be perfection. I just need to be by his side. He needs to be by mine.
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�MY 5 MOST RECENT ENTRIES�
August 02, 2004 [3:29 AM] - Took the HELL test again...
July 29, 2004 [3:57 AM] - Forgiveness... Meh. Lol
July 28, 2004 [4:54 PM] - Emotional Limbo... *bends over backwards*
July 28, 2004 [1:29 PM] - the miracle of Moo
July 28, 2004 [3:05 AM] - The sound of the ocean....