Last Entry - Next Entry - Newest Entry Matt talked to me. I'm A LOT calmer now. June 06, 2004 ~ 9:43 PM I couldn't sleep last night. After I spoke to Abel... he went to bed... and I was in bed... thinkin. Abel told me that he knows I won't give up on Matt because I am too stupid and stubborn to realize Matt treats me like shit. I love that about Abel... he won't try to talk me out of tryin to get Matt back. Cuz he KNOWS it won't work. I guess I haven't changed too much. He said he knows I'm in love or think I am and I'm a woman with a goal that refuses to go unmet. That even though I might seem hysterical {which I do get sometimes... and have gotten in the past five days} and insane at times, there is a definite clear cut method to my madness. I am only irrational to those who choose not to understand. So I thunk a lot last night. And I watched my clock. And sometime when when birds started to sing, I took to watching the service light on my phone flash... I have a flip phone... and when it's closed, there's a light on the front that flashes if I have service... watched that... read a little more Grapes of Wrath when the sunlight broke through early morning smog/fog. I was watching my phone and checking the time and thinking to myself "Matt should be wakin up right now" "He's prolly in the shower" "Maybe he's takin a shit rite now, maybe grabbin a bite to eat" "He's at work openin right now... turnin on lights and takin displays out to the front" It was weird... but I was loving him. And I was sad. And I was thinking about what Matt said. And what I would do, when I go up to Santa Cruz, if he actually told me that in person. I don't think I have the guts to give up on love; but also, I do not have the stamina/will-power/desire to go on living in pain... under this dark shadow of my lost baby. Well before I start going TOO deep into my early morning sleep-starved thoughts enough depress myself... Imma just say that I was not happy and I was very tempted to take my dad's gun when I moved up to Santa Cruz... Irrational thoughts. SLeep deprived, irrational thoughts. I'd asked if he'd meant it. He'd said yes, so long as I'm out of his life. "GO KILL YOURSELF." Who says that? To someone who has depression AND has been sent to mental hospitals for attempted suicide? So much anger. SO much pain. But at least that was the worst he could do. Nothing after that could hurt me more. I've settled into this... crux of pain. It feels like a vise-like pressure coming in on all sides. Sorry I got more into my thoughts again... I'm gonna stop. Anyway I was watching my phone and Matt- he text messaged me this morning {for once the thought "goddammit I don't have text messaging that was ten cents" did not run through my head} at 8:47AM. Are you ok... on calls in the last couple hours... i dont want you to kill your self... i just dont want you to call... give me space and time He meant "no calls" of course... not "on calls". And... Iono... Some of the pressure stopped and suddenly my head was cleared of all my rampant thoughts. I got to talk to him. And he didn't hang up on me. He told me he doesn't really hate me. And that he feels like our love is dying. Rekindling is what I need to do then. No problem. I can do that. My problem... is getting through the three weeks he's in Costa Rica... and now... pain pain pain pain pain apian pain pain pain pain pain painpain pain painpainpainpainpain... lots and lots and lots. And I refuse to live in such pain... but I think... ugh. I hafta keep my promise still. He told me he didn't want me to kill myself. So now I know even if he DOES tell me that again, he won't mean it. That's good cuz I didn't wanna kill myself anyway. The problem is... while he's in Costa Rica... that's a different story. I am already in a WORLD of pain... It wears me down. It crushes me. It's very weird because right now the only thing driving me is my desperation. I need to get Matt back. I mean, I don't get hungry and not only that but I feel nauseous when I see or smell food. I don't get thirsty. I don't really sleep. I shouldn't have ANY energy... and yet... I put so much time/energy/effort into getting through to Matthew. I mean I'm sitting here at the computer and I black out sometimes. I mean I'll juss be talkin on AIM and I'll black out. Come to and ppl r going "where r u?". Everytime I stand up I feel like Imma fall flat onto my face. I just hurt so much... Matt can't hurt me any more. But the pain will strip me down. It will tear me apart. It's already starting. It took me almost two hours to do the dishes tonight... there weren't too many dishes. I didn't want anyone to help because it hurt to have anyone near me... who isn't Matt. Matt wants me to believe that he fucked some girl two nights ago. I don't believe him. Because I believe IN him. And our love. And our future. I just dunno what kinda person he'll be coming home to when he comes back to SC from Costa. I can't kill myself. But the pain might just swallow me whole from the inside. At this point... the pain is attacking me and it is constant and it is relentless. But I can still muster perkiness when required to do so. In a week I might not. When Matt leaves for Costa Rica, breaking his promise to me and betraying my trust/faith in him... I'll die inside. I just hope to hell that I can still hold a job cuz I'll need to. If I'm gonna raise Jen... ugh. I need him so bad right now. I just need him to love me. He doesn't even need to actively comfort me. He just needs to be by my side and love me n support me. He won't understand that it was a baby and not just a mess of tissue and blood. It was when it came out of course, my body broke it down... but that was OUR BABY. He doesn't understand that. It didn't mean jack shit to him. He was so... sweet that night though. I thought he understood. My back hurts... Two hours of standin up and washin the dishes... more hours of sittin here online... I'm spent. The sad thing is I won't go to sleep. Prolly not anyway. Jus my back hurts. A lot. It's really been buggin me. I think it's my posture sittin on the floor in front of my computer cuz it's on a coffee table. You gotta be proud tho... most of the time, even in my grief n delirium I remember to drink things... {I totally forgot today.. dint drink anything all day til like now when I realized I haven't drank anything all day... =P } and in the past five days, I have eaten. I've eaten exactly, once small piece of hard boiled egg white with ranch on it... it was chopped up on Jen's salad... I had a whole hard boiled egg minus the yolk... two dinosaur chicken nuggets... a scoop of ice cream... a muffin... and four bites of hash brown with cheese on it... that is SO much food. For me bein depressed I'm doing a damned good job forcin myself to eat! I'm very proud of myself. Also cuz I haven't picked up any sharp object... haven't even been tempted to cut... AND I haven't wanted to kill myself... I mean there was the thing where Matt told me... that's different.. me wanting to kill myself is different from Matt wanting me to kill myself. That wasn't my suicidal tendencies... that was Matt's anger. Nothin to do with me so even if everyone thinks I'm crazy I am damned proud of me. But I gotta admit... if Matt goes to Costa Rica... I won't make any guarantees about that promise Matt told me to break. I want to live. But not without him. I want to live. But not in this ridiculous world of pain. I feel like it's not even real. My world right now. Too much pain. I feel like I'm fake. The butt of a cruel joke. All this pain... as I continue to go to that tanning salon cuz Matt likes tans. As I continue to not wear skirts. As I continue to extend my period of sobriety. Yeah... I love him. I'm his bitch or at least everyone thinks so. But it's not like that. I am his KITTY and I, being in love with him, am ready and willing and eager to do anything I possibly can to make him happy. Noah told me once... as an insult... or a discouragement... or a fear... or a warning... "Kat- you are SO accomodating". And that I am. And I don't care because I love him. Like Abel said: too stupid; too stubborn. Too much in LOVE. "nearly everything great which comes into being does so in spite of something - in spite of sorrow or suffering, poverty, destitution, physical weakness, depravity, passion or a thousand other handicaps." Me and Matt will have a great relationship. Amazing. Perfect. Peace at last. Sanctuary. Last Entry - Next Entry - Newest Entry ~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~ �MY 5 MOST RECENT ENTRIES� August 02, 2004 [3:29 AM] - Took the HELL test again... July 29, 2004 [3:57 AM] - Forgiveness... Meh. Lol July 28, 2004 [4:54 PM] - Emotional Limbo... *bends over backwards* July 28, 2004 [1:29 PM] - the miracle of Moo July 28, 2004 [3:05 AM] - The sound of the ocean.... .