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i hate everything is a piece of shit. cept matt... and a few choice ppl...
June 09, 2004 ~ 3:32 AM
omg... wow... i jus wrote like a whole lot. tons. n jen's computer like... sed it performed an illegal operation and closed the whole thing. i am SO pissed. but not really. cuz i don't have the energy to be pissed... too hurt to be pissed i spose. well now, since i'm more tired than earlier, u jus get a summary.
talked to matt online. he said mean things. trying to make me stop loving him/stop trying/ something iono. he's not gonna succeed i love him too much i'm never gonna give up on him.
if diaryland does the stupid "u can't write cuz yer not a gold member" shit agn imma sign up for livejournal. cuz this is bullshit.
elson and john from college ten last yr are tryin to convince their housemates to let me and jen stay with em. n i love ppl and have so much faith in human beings agn cuz they really dunno me very well elson jus lived down the hall from me for 6 months n john came by a few times said hello. they jus doin it outta the goodness of their hearts and i love that so much.
i wanted to shove one of my dad's huge cuttin knives upwards into my tummy today matt told me he wanted to be fuck buddies... the man i wanna marry told me he only wants me to be a fuck buddy among many others. fuck him. he needs to stop tryin to hurt me. cuz i don't work like him. when i get hurt i do not get angry n put up walls n forget about my love. my love for him is unconditional. disgustingly unconditional and i don't care if he fucks his sister i'll still love him. he can hurt me all he wants but he can't ever make me stop loving him. i won't ever leave him alone and i won't ever give up on him. he's left me no choice and no hope down here so i gotta go up there. and when i'm up there i'm not gonna rest til he's mine again. i love him and i will til the day i die. i know i can be fine without him. i can live without him perfectly. but I DON'T WANT TO. i'm not gonna give up on love. i won't ever give up on him. i still love him just as much i still have the same faith in him and i'm even MORE determined to get through to him now. but right after he sed it- scared me shitless cuz i have so much faith in love and it's never faltered and when matt sed that my faith in love wavered. scared me. thats never happened before. very very scary. doesn't affect me and matt it's sorta a different thing for me. Love is my RELIGION. like yer god. that's wut love is to me. that thing i've always held onto. madman mad me feel better about that tho. he's a good talker.
I don't feel so alone anymore. there are actually a lot of ppl who care and sympathize and love and believe in love. ppl who think matt's gonna come back to me. i know he is. if he don't, i'll make him. I have the handcuffs, now. *evil laff* nah i'm jus kidding. he loves me. ijus need to be there so he cant' try to deny it anymore. i dunno if he's tryin to convince himself or me. cuz he aint'doin a good job of talkin to me. he's never being serious. jus always lashin out. hmmm... i love him. imma marry him jus u wait. i'm very thankful for all the support i've been getting tho. n ppl who wanna help me find a place to live n find a job. yay for ppl and yay for not being alone.
everytime i laff i feel like i'm lying to myself or betraying myself or something. and it makes me hate myself more.
i hate my mom. but we all knew that already.
zac came by took me and jen to his friend chase's. he pets me a lot like how matt does. it's really weird but i don't care cuz it doesn't matter to me. i think if brad pitt stuck his tongue up my pussy i still would be unaffected... i jus want matt dammit. zac bought me froot loops... *yay*
i love this song:
I crawled out from the pain of yesterday
I crawled to you and
I said all the things that you said to say
Have I said enough
Do you like it yeah e yeah
Do you like it yeah e yeah
I know how you love these dirty games
But They're killing me and
I know how you love to watch me beg
So here I am
Do you like it yeah e yeah
And do you like it yeah e yeah
And do you like it yeah e yeah, yeah e yeah, yeah e yeah
I don't wanna be a puppet for you
Don't wanna bite the hand that's feeding
I don't wanna be a sucker for you, oh yes you
I hate myself for begging
I hate myself for staying
I hate myself for listening to,
You
It's too little too late
Well I can't escape
So beggin' you please
I changed all the things that you told me to change
I'm on my knees
Do you like it yeah e yeah
And do you like it yeah e yeah
And do you like it yeah e yeah, yeah e yeah, yeah e yeah
I don't wanna be a puppet for you
Don't wanna bite the hand that's feeding
I don't wanna be a sucker for you, ah yes you
I hate myself for begging
I hate myself for staying
I hate myself for listening to you
I just wanna get out
Stuck inside of this
Waiting for something else
Waiting to exist
Can you offer me help
Help from what I missed, I missed, I
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~
�MY 5 MOST RECENT ENTRIES�
August 02, 2004 [3:29 AM] - Took the HELL test again...
July 29, 2004 [3:57 AM] - Forgiveness... Meh. Lol
July 28, 2004 [4:54 PM] - Emotional Limbo... *bends over backwards*
July 28, 2004 [1:29 PM] - the miracle of Moo
July 28, 2004 [3:05 AM] - The sound of the ocean....