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the day
June 29, 2003 ~ 3:00 AM
So I guess Noah has been writing in his diary. The diary that I used to be able to read. The diary he started for me. The diary that I read to find out that Noah Dekkers iswas in love with me. That night, I felt something inside of me lift from my chest... something cold and dark and scared something... the material that created a sheild around my heart. I'll never win. Because I don't think I will get him back... and now... I don't even have my heart.
Mike from Orange County... I like him. I am thankful for him because he told me some things tonight that made me grateful for people like him. Wanna know what he said? Here:
OnTheRitz: you know, you really have my heart - i wanted to write you a long ass letter after I read your diary about tom, auriel, and zach.Auto response from OMFG Noah sucks: I'm at work at the Santa Cruz Boardwalk. Come visit me if you can! I work games, means I'm wearing a dark teal/sea green shirt and NO CAT EARS cuz they anal there at the Boardwalk. =P Call the cell if you can't find me. Don't have my #? Ask my lil sis for it. {Xlamationpoint}
OnTheRitz: we're so alike in so many ways you don't even know
OnTheRitz: its sad but I'm thinking maybe we shouldn't meet each other anymore though - i'm almost 100% sure i'd get attached to you too from what I know
OnTheRitz: i wrote a song a long time ago called "Over Now" thats basically what you're feeling and I'm so sorry sweetheart
OnTheRitz: if it makes you feel any better - I've started writing a song for you called "Always, You are Here"
OnTheRitz: a girl from china whos heart I broke unintentionally used to tell me, "Always, you are here, in my heart"
OnTheRitz: somehow I feel that way about you because I think I relate to your pain alot, you're such a wonderful person, and yes of course you're so so so cute
OnTheRitz: i'm sorry I'm clogging your away message but I saw your 'crying myself to sleep' away message, then the diary entry, and now I can't do anything but try to tell you how wonderful a person you are - and that I promise you one day soon you will be happy again
OnTheRitz: he'll be the farthest thing from your mind and new people, new things, new friends will hold your heart
OnTheRitz: ok again sorry for clogging your box
OnTheRitz: all my love
He's wrong, though. About my being happy again. About my being happy and Noah being to furthest thing from my mind. Cuz if I am every to be truly happy again. It will be when Noah comes back to me. When I can fall asleep listening to him breathe and feel his heat against my skin again. When I can just be myself and do something silly and see that look of adoration in his eyes again. Then I will be truly happy again. When I have my heart back. My Noah back.
I had fun today. I saw Charlie's Angels 2 with Andy. Then I went to the Boardwalk to hunt down Brandon. I found him. No one knew him. I had to ask around like five different stores or something to find him. He doesn't work with the same company that I work with, he works with Whiting's. No one knew him, though. I had to see him in a kitchen behind some cashier ppl. He was flipping burgers. It was like... ew. Heh. Then he went on his break and we chilled on the beach. Marveled at the deep blue of the ocean that day... Well, maybe that was just me; I thought of the dark blue ring that lines Noah's light blue eyes sometimes. So beautiful. I don't even think that Brandon's green eyes can compare. Lol. Maybe it's just cuz I'm in love with Noah, though. =P and stuff. Brandon's got cute hair but it's just not as nice as Noah's. No one can ever compare, huh. I wonder if Noah did to me what he did to Jen. I wonder if he's in love with some other girl right now. Ouch. Pain in my chest. Stinging in my eyes. Don't think about that, Kat. Mhmm. So Seaside Company... that's the people I work for. Santa Cruz Seaside Company. They call me and tell me oh by the way, you are working today. So yeah. Work til 5-11. Fun stuff. Except they tried to KILL me. Me. Kat. All by myself. Working three different games!!! OMG!!! Ugh. It was hectic. This doesn't work. That's not up. You didn't gimme the balls. I want that other prize. What kinda prize is this. How come it ate my money. Here lemme juss jam these dollar bills into this little slot next to which there is a sign saying "insert coins" Gra!!! Yeah. And then getting off work I had to make Andy wait cuz they gave me that WRONG KEY. And that was stupid. And then I felt bad cuz he came down here to pick me up and take me home and Brandon sez that we gotta chill at his place cuz his mom's got the car so Andy's gotta drive me all the way to Capitola. I felt so bad. Andy's really a great guy. I seriously dunno what I'd do without him. Walk, prolly. Get attacked, get robbed, get raped, get killed. I dunno. What the fuck. He's prolly preventatively saved me ass a few times by now. I wish I knew what I could do to pay him back... I hope he knows how grateful I am to him and how sorry I am when I'm a bad housemate and when I make him go out of his way to do something for me. I can't really think of any way to show him but to tell him and it's so hard to express it like that. He'd prolly freak if I tried to hug him or something. When I simply tell him, which is all I can do at this point... I feel redundant and young. So me and Brandon watch Ever AFter... I love that movie. It's such a pretty movie. No blood no goriness. Just... beauty. Even in the people who are ugly inside. Brandon gives me a ride home and we eat some ice cream then he leaves. I hope we didn't wake Andy up... =/ Meh I'm going to sleep.
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�MY 5 MOST RECENT ENTRIES�
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