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*shivers*
June 29, 2003 ~ 9:30 PM
I cried today at work. I was watching the ocean. My yearn for yesterday became overwhelming. I got back from my break wiping Noah from my eyes. How do they expect me to smile? To joke around? To be helpful and friendly and cheerful? Don't they know I am dying inside? Don't they know I hurt? Does Noah?
I'm worried about Trent Kitty... I dunno why. I really shouldn't be... but I so am. Hella worried for a guy that I've never met before. A guy that I developed a crush for while talking on the internet and on the telephone. I came to care for him a lot. It scared me. But he's gone now. He disappeared like Noah did. I just haven't heard from him. He was gonna come on Friday. And he didn't. I didn't think he would? Too good to be true. I knew Noah was too good to be true. I've never been that happy before in my life than when I was with Noah. *cry* Prozac... I need to take my Prozac. I forgot to last night. Oops. Bad kitty. Trent kitty. Bad Trent kitty, too. Where did he go? I worry about him because I wonder if he got stabbed or died in a fire or drowned or something. But he prolly juss decided that he didn't want to see my anymore. Just like Noah decided that he wanted me to fall out of love with me and disappeared. Trent kitty is juss gone. I don't know what's worse. If he's hurt. Or if he's just... gone to me. When people do this, I worry... People that I love, I can't lose. I've lost so many of the ones I "loved". They didn't deserve my love. Noah does. That's why he has it. Trent does. That's why I'm so fucking worried about where he is. He hasn't been online, he doesn't pick up his phone, he's obviously not here with me... I don't know what to do about that. Not like I could drive out to San Jose and hunt him down. Knock on his parents' door. "Hi, I'm some random ass chick who your son met over the internet. He hasn't signed on in three days; could you tell me where he is?" I'm sore everywhere. Especially my heart-area. That emptiness in my chest that only Noah can fill. I'm very exhausted. Emotionally, physically, mentally. Crush on Brandon. I think I have a crush on Brandon. Andy was wondering if me and Brandon were fuck buddies. Or at least, that's what he assumed. Nah. Brandon... he's in another category. I explained to Brandon my categories:
Types of Relationships
1~Boyfriend {Noah}
2a~Guy friend that I'll kiss, have sex with, and love {attached}
2b~Guy friends that I'll kiss and have sex with {unattached}
3~Guy friends that I'll kiss but won't have sex with
4~Guys that I won't kiss or have sex with
5~Random one night stand guyTypes of Attractive
1~Guys I wanna fuck
2~Someone I want to date {develop a crush on}
3~Someone who I want to befriend
4~People who are simply physically beautiful
And Brandon, you see is someone that I'd prolly like to date. But he's just gonna stay with as my friend. Cuz that's what I don't need right now, another boyfriend. To remind me how much I miss Noah. No one will ever compare. I couldn't concentrate on the movie I was watching with Andy tonight... I was just spacing out. I think I'm tired. But I also have my mind on a million other things. There's Trent Kitty... he represented hope to me. Now he's gone. Plus I'm almost finished with my Snickers ice cream and I feel bad. And I don't get to try my Twix ice cream cuz I promised Trent we'd try it together. I really really really really really hope he's okay. He's such a great person.... The world needs more like him. I hope he's safe and alive and well and just ignoring me because or like lost my number or lost his internet connection or something. Iono. The there's Noah... I still miss Noah. Every single fucking little thing reminds me of Noah. Now that Andy's talking to me, he's prolly getting tired of talking to Noah, too! He doesn't know anything about Noah so he just talks about whatever and shit I feel like crying cuz I think of Noah. I see the ocean I think of Noah. I see the ocean I think of Noah. I see a dark shade of green and I fucking think of Noah cuz we bought a bunch of Coleman equipment for camping and it was all dark green. I think of him when I put on my fucking socks; I used to fold his socks cuz they were always in my laundry and I did his laundry sometimes. And when I wash my hands in my bathroom, the vanilla soap I have, Noah has my original one and I had to get another one. When I look at my covers... When I look at my pillow case, when I look at my fucking computer! Noah used to fight over my computer with me. When I see my Brita filter... he used to fill it up and it was his "duty" and he got all pretend pissy when I'd fill it myself. "But it's MY job!!!" *pouty face* I miss him so fucking much and I'm not ever gonna be _____ again. Not until I get him back. The there's Brandon. Who is a cool friend. But since Trent kitty never showed, I did the cat thing and lost interest. Well, I don't think I lost interest in Trent kitty... Not at all... But now I'm also developing a crush on Brandon. Who'll just fuck me over and break my heart? No. He won't. He can't. I don't have my heart. Duh. What am I worried about getting hurt? Shiet. I'm like a masochist. I go looking for trouble if none comes to me. Brandon... I really like him... Not just cuz of his hair. It's also the way he looks at me and his voice... I'm not gonna start into his aura... His aura is sorta iffy. I need more time to figure him out completely. I need to see what this guy is all about. As it is, though, I think I am definitely developing a crush on him. I must be. I gave him my star ring. Refuse to take it back from him. I fucking love that ring. LOVE IT. Like I love my cat or something. Cept my cat didn't cost me any money. =P Me and Brandon traded jewelry... I gave him my ring. He gave me one of the bracelets that he wears everyday but wasn't wearing in this photo. That's the picture that caught my eye. Such pretty hair. His hair is just as pretty. And his eyes... green. Almost prettier. Then there's Mike. This is Mike by the way if I haven't shown you yet. He made a diary here. I read Mike's diary; more and more I come to realize that he might not have the foggiest idea what I'm going through. He's trying so hard to understand. He loves me. He cares. I matter. But... he doesn't see what I feel. No one can. Only I can. It's killing me. It's making me hate myself more and more. Hating the way that I am. Liking Trent and then just moving on to Brandon. I would never have been able to do that when I had my heart. I was so careful... I tried so hard to keep my heart guarded. Doesn't work. I'm sad. I think I just needed to unload. I am exhausted. No sleeping pills tonight. I'm out.
Oh, and Noah is on my wall... it was the picture that used to be on my bulletin board when I lived on campus. It makes me smile. It makes me cry. It makes me hurt. It makes me die.
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�MY 5 MOST RECENT ENTRIES�
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