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Here, kitty kitty... Now, shoo! Sorry kitty. Come here, kitty... Now shoo!
July 03, 2003 ~ 5:46 PM
He's right, you know. Mike's right. I know it. I read his diary. I was reading it and the whole time I'm going... yeah, I know. I do that. I do that, too. Yeah, I just did that to Trent Kitty. I pushed him away. I did it with Isaac. I want to be with him, he was gonna give me a chance, he seems so perfect. That's where he went wrong. He was too good to be true. Which is why I destroyed any chance of a relationship with him? Any chance of happiness? Lol. I dunno. I'm fucked up. I know I did it on purpose... And now I want him to forgive me. But I hurt his feelings. I found the lamest reason, and just shut the door because of that. Stephanie in Isaac's case. Cigarettes in Trent's case. What else with who else? I find reasons. I start falling so I grab desperately for something... anything.. that I can hold onto and shove in their face and go "Here! See? This is why we can't be together!" Hurt them so they never get the chance to hurt me. I don't think about, what if they don't hurt me? Bryan, you're too far away. Robbie, you smoke. Trent, you smoke. Brandon, you smoke. Vin, you smoke. That's the easiest thing. Whenever a guy hits on me: "Sorry, I don't socialize with people who smoke." "Sorry, I don't date people who smoke." It's just insurance. In case they are jerks. Or in case they are too perfect. Easiest thing is that. Second is age. "Sorry. You're too young. I like dating older men." Another one, very superficial: "Sorry, I like long hair on guys... I just don't find you attractive..." Even if Trent does decide to remember that he promised me he'd quit smoking cigarettes... {and that he agreed that he really should, anyway} and even if I beg for forgivness and he finally wants me again... I'd just do something else. I'd do something else to push him away. I'll never meet him. Cuz he'll never come. He's over me. It's over. Game over. Kitty loses. Masochistic... emotionally... I've tried before. To be happy. It doesn't work. Why did I try to fool myself into believing that maybe it would? I didn't just push Trent Kitty away. I shoved him away. Cuz he forgot that he told me he'd quit cigarettes one time while we were talking at 4AM. Love it or leave it. He said that twice. I hate it. I do. But I love him. I couldn't date him, though... if he smokes cigarettes. I had to leave him. Valid point. But I could have at least explained it to him. It's not you, it's me. My dad, actually. But me. You know? It's not a preference. It's a health issue. And I don't tell a lot of people about it. And I don't remember if I told you about it. But I'm pretty sure I did. The reason why I hate cigarettes... remember? I'm pretty sure I told you... That's why if we're gonna be together, you hafta quit. Cuz cigarettes for some weird reason have the power to make my heart murmer worse. Maybe as bad as it used to be when my daddy smoked. When I was younger. Cigarettes will make you die earlier but you'll still have 20-60 years before you get really effected by cigarettes. See, me, if I'm around people who smoke cigarettes... if I inhale too much cigarette smoke, I'll die in about 10-20 years. I might pass out one day and just never wake up. I stay very far away from cigarette smoke. I haven't passed out in a long time. Only when I go to Las Vegas cuz everyone is smoking. Only when I lived in China where it's legal to smoke anywhere. See, I've wanted to die since I was 9. But if I had you, I wouldn't want to die. So if I had you, you can't smoke cigarettes. You see? I'm not just being stubborn. I can't date people who smoke cigarettes. Everyone smokes cigarettes... there are a ton of awesome guys who smoke cigarettes. But I can't date them... It's not that I don't want to... it's that I can't. I can't date people who smoke cigarettes and I can't go around and explain all this shit to every single guy who asks me out and I tell them no "because you smoke cigarettes". I simply say well I hate cigarettes. And that's not good enough. That's not good enough for Trent or Robbie or Brandon or Vin or Nicolas or anyone. Just not good enough. Cigarettes are too important. I'm just some girl. There are more girls out there. Girls who smoke cigarettes. Girls who don't have depression even. Girls who don't have a severe heart murmur. And yes, girls who know where their hearts are. Trent deserves better. Brandon... I don't think he deserves better but he deserves someone else. Robbie is just a friend and I feel bad for telling him not to smoke around me. I always feel bad. I'm sorry, I feel bad, I shouldn't. I really shouldn't. It's bad for them, it might be fatal for me. I mean if I inhale some cigarette smoke I'm not gonna drop dead. But if I am around someone who smokes... you know what? Nevermind. I don't know what to do. I want Trent Kitty back. But I don't. Cuz he won't quit smoking cigarettes anymore. But not like I'll see him a lot anyway. We're both broke and car-less. It could have worked. Eventually I would have explained more thoroughly to what extent I hate cigarettes- with all of my heart and the rest of my circulatory system and all of my respiratory system. Maybe he would have quit eventually. Maybe I could have been happy. Maybe I should just listen to Andy and forget about Trent Kitty. Forget about Noah. Forget about Brandon. I'm gonna forget about relationships altogether. Concentrate on paying rent every month and paying utilities every month. Concentrate on... I don't know. Something other than Trent. Why am I so fucking emo. Cried river, built a bridge, but burned it just before I crossed it. I'm such a fucking idiot. I am so fucked.
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