Last Entry - Next Entry - Newest Entry Rollercoaster ride called Matt. July 21, 2004 ~ 1:52 PM The last few days have been quite a whirlwind of a rollercoaster. Matt's still throwing his hissy fits. I'm still making him talk about it. Communicate. I'm still getting upset with him. I'm still not taking shit from him. It's no good cuz he gets even more pissed. Just cuz I won't take his shit anymore like a little bitch. He can be such perfection one moment and then an instant later he's a royal jerk. I don't know why he pulls that shit. I call him on it so he knows when he does it. But he's jus... iono. He's a fuckin asshole sometimes. I take it because I love him. BUT! When he's good... man is he ever good. That kid is the sweeter than sugar type when he wants to be. He jus likes to pick fights I think. Gets pissed over NOTHING. Example: When I lived in Soquel before, Matt used to grab tampons for me. His sister's tampons. And one day she came and asked about it. She wanted me to buy her another box. So I was like okay. But then I moved. And a few nights ago she was asking about it again so I went and got her tampons. Me and Matt went and bought a box and I asked him to give em to her. They have been sitting in his car for the past 4 days. So yeah when he dropped me off in the morning yesterday I got the tampons from the back and put em up front and reminded him "Don't forget to give these to your sister". When he came back a few hours later they were in the backseat again. I was like "How come you didn't give the tampons to your sister?" And he got all huffy. And said he was lazy. So I pointed out that he has to go into his house anyway and that it isn't too taxing to take the box in. Yeah he threw a little hissy fit about that one cuz I was "lecturing" him and "talking down" to him. What the fuck. Lol. I was trying to have a conversation with him. To figure out why the heck he seemingly enjoys having a random box of tampons in his car all the time. And then he had the audacity to say "I should have just thrown them away". I mean, it's the same distance from his car to the trash can as it is from his car to his house. He was just bein really dumb and irrational and mean and calling me a bitch and a whore and psycho and shit. And getting butt-hurt about how I "always talk down to" him. Which... I don't. I love that kid to death. And believe it or not {yes I'm crazy}, I respect him. It's all in his head. He just wants to think that way so he hears it like that. I don't know why. As far as I knew, I was just talking to my boyfriend about something REALLY stupid and he sorta jus... got all pissed. Ugh. That kid can be so mean. OMG when he's nice he's so sweet. The other day he was jus driving and he looks over and he MEOWS at me. Lol. It was SOOO CUTE!!! I was like "OMG did you jus meow at me?!?!?!" And he's like "Maybe." *smirk* and meowed at me again. Hahaha. That so made my day. It was adorable. And he was jus smiling all cute and loving-like. He never meows at me. Lol. Cept that one day. It was so random and so sweet and cute and stuff. My babydollie is so fucking adorable. I love that kid. One evening we were walking in the Boardwalk parking lot over to his car and he found a stuffed rose on the floor; when he saw it he told me to "look over there", ran over, and held it behind his back before revealing it to me. Of course I hadn't looked away and instead watched him pick it up off the floor but it's still cute. Lol. It has a little tag that says "I Love You" on it and the other side says "Te Amo". Lol. Someone prolly spent like $30 to win that stupid rose and Matt got to delight me with it for free! =D We went to the beach the other day and I got attacked by the ocean. It was HORRIBLE. I went under and the water scraped my back on the little rock-sand. Hella scary. I don't really wanna get into it... It was fucking terrifying and I don't wanna think about it. Take into account that I've died in the ocean. And that I've ended up in hospitals twice from drowning. I have nightmares about it. Well... I have daydreams at night about it. Cuz I can't really sleep. It really sucks. And I wake up all terrified and Matt isn't there to love me. *sigh* He'd tried to get to me but he couldn't reach me in time. And he held me for a long time after cuz I sorta freaked out and went into semi-shock. It was sweet and I loved feeling his body against mine. It made me feel safe. That's why I was willing to go into the water at all. I was scared shitless but Matt made me feel safe. Needless to say I'm not going into the ocean again for the remainder of my sanity. We still haven't moved out but we will. To a house in Las Lomas. It's in Monterey County I think... Right smack dab in between Watsonville and Salinas/Prunedale. Supposedly pretty nice. Iono when we get to move in though. Hopefully real soon! I wanna get outta here already. And I want Matt to be coming home after work to me. I love him so much I just want him to be mine. It sucks cuz I always feel like I'm walkin on eggshells with Matt. Cuz we'll be awesome one moment and then he'll be a jerk the next. It's like... without warning. I'm so scared he's gonna like change his mind again and decide to hate me. And I can't go through that shit again. God damn that wore on me. Just stripped me down and down and down. It hurt so bad. I just don't know how strong I could stay if I needed to do it again. He stresses the little shit. Or imagines stuff like I'm talking down to him or something. He's the one calling me things like whore and bitch when he gets all pissy. And then he gets mad when I defend myself. I never start shit with him. I finish shit. I resolve the shit he starts. If he's a dick, I'm a dick. If he's a fucker, I'm a fucker. I'm hoping this way he'll learn. I mean, he dishes all this bullshit real good but he can't seem to take it with any good grace at all. He hates the fact that I don't take his bullshit anymore and that I fight back. And no matter what, I won't ever give up on him. I don't care how much of an immature asshole he's gonna be. He knows he's an immature asshole. That's the first step. Now he's just gotta do something about it. I know he will. He's working on it. He's trying. He doesn't try as hard to get away when we need to talk shit thru. He doesn't call me as many names. He doesn't go for as many low blows to hurt me. He's trying. He really is. And when we succeed, it's gonna be wonderful cuz we won't have these pointlessly stupid little spats anymore. I can't WAIT but I gotta. And I'm happy to do it right here by his side. He most definitely won't do it on his own. I mean, even ROUGH says Matt is immature. Lol. The other day, Matt was being a jackass and Rough's like, "Wow you are REALLY immature, Matt" and he put one of his hands up saying "This is mature" and he puts his other hand about a foot point five below the other hand and says "and here's your maturity". Lol. I was like... go Rough! Yeah Matt can be really dumb at times but then again, so can I. I've picked up mostly everything I hated about Matt. I incorporated his faults into my personality so as to better deal with his bullshit. Which sorta sucks. Cuz I say things now that are really mean and then I feel REALLY bad for not feeling bad about saying it. ERG. All in all... I'm head over heels and deliriously in love with my immature, crass little asshole of a boyfriend. *yay*. Lol. I'm becoming more and more like him all the time and it makes him laugh while it makes me cringe. I choose to be on this emotional rollercoaster cuz I kno in the end it'll be worth it. Plus, god damn is he ever fun to ride. OH MY GOD the noises he makes... HAHAHAHA. TMI. Imma stop now before I spill all. When it comes down to it: I just need reassurance. That he won't leave me again. That he won't ever hurt me to that degree again. I need a promise that he can't ever break. I need to know that forever is real this time. Last Entry - Next Entry - Newest Entry ~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~ �MY 5 MOST RECENT ENTRIES� August 02, 2004 [3:29 AM] - Took the HELL test again... July 29, 2004 [3:57 AM] - Forgiveness... Meh. Lol July 28, 2004 [4:54 PM] - Emotional Limbo... *bends over backwards* July 28, 2004 [1:29 PM] - the miracle of Moo July 28, 2004 [3:05 AM] - The sound of the ocean.... .