Last Entry - Next Entry - Newest Entry
Grand Semi-reopening.... =P
July 22, 2004 ~ 1:04 AM
Well I'm letting notifylist members in again. As you can see. Lol. Like my new color scheme? I spent hours makign it believe it or not. Lol. I kno I'm a dork but dammit it takes a while to get all the coordinates right so that the buttons will actually be where they're spose to be. I hope Matt doesn't get overly upset. I'm just tired of having to tell ppl the same thing over and over and over when I can jus tell it to my diary and tell them to come here and read it. Lol. ANYWHO.
Today went by without a hitch. Matt worked most of it. And I missed him lots. Still don't sleep much. Still don't eat unless I'm with Matt. I saw him around 4ish today. I mean I miss him all day and he gets off at 2 but usually doesn't come around til 4 and I wud get upset cept I really think that he tries to get here as soon as he can. And he really doesn't need to he just does it cuz he knows that I'm lonely and I want him to. He's a good boyfriend, you kno? Believe it or not. That boy loves me and he does a good job of it most times. HE came over, we went and picked up his sister {who supposedly doesn't hate me anymore...} took her home and went to Rough's. We went to Costco to pick up "supplies" for Rough's party this weekend. Went back to Rough's. I did my laundry!!! *yay*. But yeah. Aside from lonliness while Matt's at work... after we met up, everything was awesome. I felt very loved. He wasn't overly affectionate, either. And I still was ok. I mean usually I get scared. I mean I'm always scared that he'll up and change his mind again. Just decide that he doesn't wanna be with me or that he hates me, etc etc. So anytime I sense anything is amiss I worry. Sometimes I imagine it. But today I was sorta ok. I didn't freak even tho he wasn't overly affectionate. And when he was pissed off at traffic I made him smile. =) I mean I'm still scared. I was text messaging him today and he wasn't replying so I sorta got really worried. Kept asking him if anything was wrong. Cuz if he ever starts to doubt I'm gonna eradicate them before they can fester and develop into the cause of a BAD decision on his part. I just need him to be as much in love with me as I am with him. And as devoted. I don't think he'll cheat on me again but god damn I'd be lying if I say it's not on my mind. Like the two hours between getting off work and getting to me. Why he gets so moody sometimes. Iono. I'm just a scaredy Kat. I have nothing to fear. I just do it anyway I think. But yeah. Today was good. Sorta boring. But good. No sex. Nothing sexual at all really. And yet, it was a good day. See, my life does NOT revolve around sex, dammit.
I'm sorta looking forward to Rough's party. I kno I prolly won't drink a lot. And plus it'll throw me back into the high school scene I used to hate. But Iono. I think I'll have a good time of it.
I wish I could meet K Stan's girlfriend Malia. She's pretty cool I talk to her online all the time. High school relationships are so weird. Malia is K Stan's best friend Cameron's ex gf. And Cam is now dating Malia's best friend Felicia who used to hate both K Stan and Cameron. Eeesh!!!
Matt says that Rough still thinks I'm bad for Matt. I mean, it doesn't matter what Rough thinks. What matters is Matt knows I'm perfect for him. But still. Mean. Iono. Any of my friends {ppl who KNOW ME WELL} kno that not only am I not bad for Matt, but that I'm prolly too good for Matt. But it's really my and Matt's decision. Our friends can live their own lives. The thing that upsets me about Rough, is that he used to read my diary... And it's not the fact that he read it that bothers me, it's the fact that he has been inside my head... yet doesn't understand. And that hurts. Plus I really thought of him as a friend. I felt almost betrayed by him. {On a side note... Rough's name is pronouced to rhyme with now and how. Not huff and puff} Rough can think I'm bad for Matt all he wants. I know I'm not bad for Matt. Matt knows I'm not bad for Matt. I mean I won't take his shit anymore, but it doesn't mean I love him any less.
I just believe that if Matt Duncan needs to be able to take what he dishes out. If he's gonna be an asshole, I'll be an asshole back. I'm not gonna jus sit there and cry about it anymore. Fight back. I'm only ever as bad for him as he is for me. Eventually he'll get over his own medicine and we'll reach an equilibrium ruled only by our love. And that makes us perfect for each other. Everything will be perfect in the end. It's more definitely not the end yet.
And no, even with all my faith, I will NOT stop worrying about him goin jerk on me agn until I have an engagement ring on my fucking finger. ;-P
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~
�MY 5 MOST RECENT ENTRIES�
August 02, 2004 [3:29 AM] - Took the HELL test again...
July 29, 2004 [3:57 AM] - Forgiveness... Meh. Lol
July 28, 2004 [4:54 PM] - Emotional Limbo... *bends over backwards*
July 28, 2004 [1:29 PM] - the miracle of Moo
July 28, 2004 [3:05 AM] - The sound of the ocean....