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Noah got smarter. =]
July 27, 2003 ~ 4:41 AM
He called me. I can't post the conversation, can I? Lol. Yes, I seem to be in good spirits. I am. Not only did he become smarter, he's nicer. Some of that Noah that I once knew back. Very very good. Comforting. I won't tell you all that we talked about. Let's just say he called me at 2 and I don't want to dictate a 2.75 hour conversation. Plus it was so amazing I really want to keep it to myself. Stunning revelations. Comforting validations. He proved me right on many accounts. It's heart warming. I won't tell you what, though. Lol. That's for me to know and you to not. It's almost five. I figure I can just stay up and help Matt help set up for the wharf to wharf thingy, you know? May as well. I don't work til 2:30. Yeah Noah... he has had sex with someone else. Ouch. Yeah. But hey, you know. Lol. I've had sex with a whole bunch of people. The difference is, he won't have sex with someone unless he loves them. Hurts, but now that I think about it... who gives a fuck. Ha. He makes me hurt all the time. It'll all go away when I see my little boy again. It always does. Yeah I still want Noah back. Of course I do. But I like what I have with Matt. Nah. I LOVE what I have with Matt. It's beautiful. That first day at Knock Down I told him I think this is gonna be the beginning of a beautiful relationship. By relationship, I'm sure I meant friendship at the time. But yeah. I like what we have now. And just thinking about Matt makes me smile. Eh, of course I did cry. Talkign to Noah. Duh, of course I'm gonna cry. Whatevers. What's a few more tear drops into that sea of pain? I won't drown because I'm safely sailing on my little boat. Go boat! I miss Noah's goats. I miss Noah more. Lol. Well, not really. As a matter of fact, I don't think I miss him at all. I only thought I missed him cuz I figured I should? But I really don't. And I haven't ever since I asked Matt on July 12th if he's ever kissed anyone before and he answered that I was gonna be the second and I hadn't even tried to kiss him yet. Lol. Cute boy. Very cute. Gah! He so adores me. He adores me like I love Noah Dekkers. It sucks. I'm so fucking happy with Matt. I couldn't ask for anything more. I mean, I don't even HIT on other guys anymore. Cept for once in a while in front of Matt to keep him in line... Well... not really... more like to see how jealous he'll get. And to get him used to the idea that I'm not his girlfriend though I'm dating him exclusively. Shhh... don't tell him... he doesn't know that I'm seeing just him and no one else and I don't plan on seeing anyone else. That'll make him too cocky. ;) My little boy. =D Yeah. About the sucking thing. It sucks what I found out tonight. I asked Noah, just curious cuz I'm a fucking cat {and now I know that it's prolly gonna kill me someday cuz this just frustrated me half to death tonight}, what I could do that would give me another chance with him. And he told me. What I'm doing now. Lol. Which is stupid. Cuz what I'm doing now is loving my relationship with Matt. Which makes it so that I don't WANT a chance with Noah. Does that make sense? Viscous ass cycle. Oh and I am proud to announce that Noah John Dekkers is STILL A VEGETARIAN so BOO YA TO YA'LL FUCKERS WHO SED THAT'S WHY HE BROKE UP WITH ME!!! {I knew it all along that wasn't the reason but hey, you guys were planting them seeds of doubt in my head!!! jk jk} Hahahaha. And I don't know why I'm in such a fucking great mood but it's confusing me. I posed a question to myself one night. About four or five nights ago to be exact. While I was lying in bed. I asked myself: "If Noah were to come back right now and ask me to leave Matt and be with him again, what would I do?" I argued with myself with this dilemna for a while. I did come up with an answer. And after talking to Noah tonight. Hearing his voice again, remembering "I love you" from that mouth, and just hearing him laugh... After being given that little spark of hope, that "what you're doing right now gives you the chance to be with me again in the future".... my answer still stands. I don't think there is any way to change my mind. I once told Matt that he does always win. He won against Emmett, didn't he? Yeah. He'd win against Noah, too. He'd win against my heart. {I am SUCH a writer... oh yeah. You KNOW that was hella dramatic and you had them oohs and aahs and such. =] Teehee!} Matt needs to know that he is one lucky ass bastard. Everyone just IM at some time and tell him that he's a lucky ass bastard, okay? Lol. And I'm not even in love with the kid.
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�MY 5 MOST RECENT ENTRIES�
August 02, 2004 [3:29 AM] - Took the HELL test again...
July 29, 2004 [3:57 AM] - Forgiveness... Meh. Lol
July 28, 2004 [4:54 PM] - Emotional Limbo... *bends over backwards*
July 28, 2004 [1:29 PM] - the miracle of Moo
July 28, 2004 [3:05 AM] - The sound of the ocean....