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Another sleepless night alone.
August 19, 2003 ~ 10:21 PM
Why do I so desperately need to feel loved? I haven't been sleeping at night. I can't. Can't sleep alone again. Now I'm crying because I can't spend the night at Matt's and he can't spend the night here. Of course. I mean, I've known this. It's always been the case. But I just really needed to fall asleep with someone tonight. I needed good sleep. I needed to feel loved. I needed to not have nightmares. I remember when I was dating Noah, he'd tell me to just get over it. Whatever it was that I needed, to just bite it in the bud. Just stop it. How do you stop needing something? By realizing that you merely desire it. So I told Matt to leave. Just leave. I wanted so bad to beg him to stay. Beg him to let me stay over at his place. Something. Just be with him. Be near him. Comfort and love. He tells me "I love you, too" when I tell him I love him. It sounds so sweet to me. I'm crying now because I'm sad. I'm sad and lonely and I hope Matt doesn't think that I'm angry with him. I'm more angry with myself. I love the boy so much... It is amazing. It's all I can do not to drink myself into a stupor. I haven't been too healthy, constantly feeling like I need to heave out my insides. Literally. I wouldn't drink now if my life depended on it... So alone. And I won't let myself get drunk. Cutting seems oh-so-tempting. I promised myself I would never cut again. Not for depression purposes, of course. I promised Noah I would never cut again. I promised Yoshi. Most important is that promise to myself. To my complete chagrin, I have broken my self promise to stop smoking weed. After Noah broke up with me, promises seemed to carry little weight. I simply had wanted to die. Or perhaps, I was dead. My heart aches right now. Falling asleep in his arms. His scent drifting to me over my shoulder. His light snoring and hairy legs. His scent, oh how I miss his scent. I was talking to Deacon last night he told me that he is single because he doesn't want to settle. And though he is not looking for perfection, he wants something close enough that it's uncanny. Many people think that I am settling with Matt. Because I can't find anything better? I don't know. I don't think that's it. I can find much better. I can find a 27 year old who makes 14,000 a paycheck, who has no curfew, who can fall asleep next to me at night, who can take me out clubbing, who can buy me alcohol, who can show me a thing or two about the art of sex. Someone who doesn't have any... limits. Noah is perfection to me. Perfect for me; everything I've ever wanted in a mate. He's gone. But that doesn't mean that I'm settling. Matthew George Duncan is the best thing that has happened to me since Noah John Dekkers. I knew that he would be when I met him. I was wary of the relationship due to his age... but I always get past things. No matter what I think about someone {too young, really hot, too chubby, etc} I always get past it as soon as the person reveals their aura and personality to me. I didn't have a chance when it came to Matt. He was so innocent. A boy who was truly pure and has never experienced the state of "jaded". Disarming and playful and loving. I love him. I was so sure that I could never fall in love with him. That I could never fall in love with anyone except for Noah again. But it happened. I'm just rambling cuz it makes me forget about crying. I guess I am to have yet another sleepless night. It hurts so much. That tight feeling in my chest. I can't help but cry because everything is just so unfair. Cruel fate is testing me once again. Fucker. Lol. Hand over to me this perfect boy in a perfectly wrapped package with a perfectly tied bow on top. With a perfect little tag that says "Do not open until March 02, 2004". Someone told me today that I'm way too hot to be with Matt. That is mean. They don't know Matt. They don't know me. They don't know that I'm a fucked up and ugly person inside and Matt is a gorgeous angel. {Sexy, too} Me and Deacon were wondering if in the afterlife we no longer keep our physical forms but instead, the physical attributes reflect our personalities. Like if some trendy, gorgeous girl were a bitch, in the afterlife she'd be hideous. I wonder what I'd look like? Heartless... I still can't believe I've kicked a cat. I'm fucked up beyond all mental repair. I'm not proud of it, of course not, but I'm learning to accept it. Matt is helping me out, being... him... He reminds me of all the high school kid things I wasn't when I was in high school. I missed out. I was too busy wishing I were dead to even realize that out there was hope. And somewhere out there, there was a little 6th grader named Matt Duncan who would one day fly me out of a ditch. I think too much. Everyone tells me that. I've always thought too much. Matt thinks, {he does do that sometimes, you know} that if I hadn't thought so much when I was younger, I may have had a happier childhood. Maybe. But I wouldn't have become the loving, caring, honest, friendly person that I became. The person that Noah killed. I don't know what I am now. Sort of a ghost of my former self. The self that I liked will never be back again, even if Noah wanted me back, that Kat is gone. The person I am now... I wouldn't care if I have those pigeons a heart attack so long as I get to catch them. I guess the word ruthless comes to mind. So long as I get what I want. Right? I'm just upset because I can't get what I want right now. I can't have Matt fall asleep in my bed every night. I'm just so lonely. Sex isn't everything. But I need the... companionship. Kitty Kat: always so alone. Meh. I used to have it way worse than I do now. At least I have someone who loves me somewhere out there.
BTW today was my housemate Andy's bday. Happy 24th bday, Andy!!! You are now officially my favorite number!
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�MY 5 MOST RECENT ENTRIES�
August 02, 2004 [3:29 AM] - Took the HELL test again...
July 29, 2004 [3:57 AM] - Forgiveness... Meh. Lol
July 28, 2004 [4:54 PM] - Emotional Limbo... *bends over backwards*
July 28, 2004 [1:29 PM] - the miracle of Moo
July 28, 2004 [3:05 AM] - The sound of the ocean....