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And just when I thought this story was over, they write a sequel
August 22, 2003 ~ 9:50 AM
For three months I agonized and hurt and hoped and cried and loved and waited and died. All for Noah. For three months I clung onto the hope that one day the love of my life would come back to me. And then I gave up. Because there was no hope. Because he was dead and he was never coming back. I closed the book on Noah. I moved on. I found love again. I found Matt. I was happy. I was content. And then Noah unblocked me on AIM. I talked to him on AIM and it was like talking to a ghost. He was dead to me. I HAD MOURNED for this boy who'd basically DIED in any and all aspects concerning my life. I had gone through denial and isolation. I had experienced the fiery anger. I had pored over all the "If only"s and "Shoulda"s. I definitely went through the deep, mind-draining depression that sucked me down and threatened never to let me back up again. That stage sent me careening into any type of physical or emotional comfort I could find whether I wanted it or not, whether I enjoyed it or not I just needed something. And then, when I ran that race and started losing momentum, started losing my breath and feeling the aches and sweat... I hit the only stage left to enter. Acceptance. And for a wonderful small period of time, I didn't need anyone. And I was over Noah though I still made thoughts at him once in a while. I asked him on the telephone, how could all that love disappear? Where did all of that love go? He told me he'd turned it into anger against me. That's when I realized I think, that no matter how much of a romantic I am, "If you love somebody let them go, if they come back they yours fo sho" just wasn't gonna cut it in real life. That true love, all that love that me and Noah had... It was gone. That there might not be such a thing as true love or the one or a soulmate. Because if those things existed, Noah would have been with me. He wasn't. And then I found Matt. The perfect love. Everything I could ever ask for. Gorgeous, sweet tempered, openly affectionate, innocent, loving. I was wont for nothing. I had everything I wanted in one little Matt Duncan package and I was happy. Noah called once. We talked. But that was that. It was Noah and he stirred up shit but hey, I was absolutely content with my little boy Matt and there was nothing that anyone could do to change my mind about being with the kid no matter what. Then Noah came here. That's different. Noah came here to win my heart back. I didn't think he could do it. I didn't think I believed in the love that we had anymore. I didn't think he could have that much of an affect on me. I was wrong. The love that we had... we still have it. And there's no denying it. That is the love that drove me through life. That's the love that I was waiting for the return to me because it was the only real true love I would ever feel. Noah is the one for me. I've knew that. I made myself forget. But when he came back and I saw him and there he was, my heart... I had my heart back. It was right there. I don't know how to begin to describe him. But I'll have the rest of my life to do that. Me and him, we're meant for each other. We have tons in common... and he's head over heels in love with me. I want to tell all those people out there "I told you so." But I won't. Because I lost faith, too. But without that, I would not be where I am today. I would not have found love with Matt and found happiness in my life without Noah who was the world to me. I don't know what to do. I love Noah so much... But I don't want to hurt Matt. Me and Matt could have had a perfect relationship. It started perfect, once he's 18, he woulda moved in. And it wouldn't have ended, the relationship, cuz it was perfect. It was comfortable. It was so always there to hold and love and cuddle. And now I'm gonna stop seeing him. Because my heart came back. I wanted to choose Matt. I wanted to choose Matt because he is so fucking awesome and perfect and I didn't wanna hurt him and jade him and plus I LOVE HIM. But Noah... He's Noah. And even though he shaved his head and I don't think he's gorgeous anymore. He's still my Noah and physical appearance doesn't even matter. Noah is the love of my life. I just wish he had better timing. Now I have to break the heart of a perfect angel of a boy who never did anything to me but love me and make me happy and feed me and make me believe in life. My sunshine. I have to block out my sunshine. I'd love to be friends with him... But I don't think he'd do it. Wouldn't it hurt too much? I don't know. I'm his first a lot of things. I'd wanted to be his only. I'd asked to be his only and I'd asked to be his last. But that can't happen. So what do I do now? I love him so much. I don't want him to hurt. What do I do? I wish there were two of me... I wish... a lot of things. I wish that I could have just broken it off with Matt when I did. I wish I hadn't fallen in love with him. No. I'm glad I did. It is an amazing feeling. But I do wish with all my now present heart and my ever present soul that I didn't have to hurt him. My babydoll little boy Matt.
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�MY 5 MOST RECENT ENTRIES�
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