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Isn't it ironic? Don't you think. A little too ironic...
August 23, 2003 ~ 4:35 AM
I feel bad for doing what I did to Matt. I feel even worse for being so happy to have Noah back. Matt has been so good to me. He didn't deserve all this hurt. Every single thing I told him, I meant it with all my soul. But not my heart. Noah's my heart he's always been my heart. I love Matt. I do. But Noah is that guy I want to spend the rest of my life with. No matter what joys Matt or anyone can bring me... I can't get past the fact that they are not Noah. Matt made me cry tonight. When we were talking. He was lashing out with all the pain and hurt that I had put inside him. I know he must feel so betrayed. And I cried and cried when he told me this:
MattGenuineDraft: yea
MattGenuineDraft: welll
MattGenuineDraft: u really did fuck me
MattGenuineDraft: u know how confident in u i was
MattGenuineDraft: when u said
MattGenuineDraft: u would never hurt me
MattGenuineDraft: u would be mine as long as i wanted
MattGenuineDraft: and no one could get u to leave me for them
MattGenuineDraft: to think
MattGenuineDraft: i actually believed it all
I could not stop crying. I did to Matt exactly what I felt Noah did to me. He'd promised he wouldn't hurt me. That he'd be mine. You know? I really did mean it when I said it. I was so sure that I wouldn't leave Matt for ANYONE. I even told Noah that on the phone. He asked me if he wanted me back if I'd leave Matt... I told him no. Because I did mean it. I love Matt so much. He's such a joy to be around and such a love. I didn't want to leave Matt. I didn't want to hurt Matt. I knew I would not have been hurt by Matt. I knew he is everything that I could ever ask for in a boyfriend. But he's not Noah. And when Noah came here. When I saw him again. I put up a hundred walls. I put up that barrier. I didn't want to be affected. I didn't want to lose what I had with Matt. I had seen Matt earlier that morning! I had held him in my arms and told him I love him and kissed him. He'd told me he was nervous about me seeing Noah... I had assured him that there is nothing that Noah could do to take me away. You know when I gave up on Noah? When I gave up on love? It didn't fit. With the picture I'd wanted to paint for myself. No matter what and no matter who... Matt will never be Noah and seeing Noah again made me realize this. Me and Noah had so much. I broke Matt's heart. I did it to get my own back. How selfish of me. I won't be talking about Noah at all anymore in here. This was more about Matt than anyone else. I'm hand-writing in a journal now. That's where Noah will be. I hope that Matt will forgive me someday... and be happy that I'm happy and get some new girl who's his age and get over me. I felt like I just stabbed a puppy in the back. But to save my own life? Maybe. Maybe not. All I know is Noah is where my future lies. I've always known that. Even his sister had known that... that fateful night... I thought she was full of shit... she wasn't. I should have believed in Noah and my love for each other more, I wouldn't have had to hurt Matt. I'm deleting all of my FTJ profiles. Noah doesn't like the FTJ profiles. He never did. He's always hated it. I'm still gonna stay on Friendster, though. I like Friendster. Guess who I found on there? Or she found me... Lol. Valerie Lachica. That pretty Japanese girl... Everyone always said that I looked like her but dude... she is so GORGEOUS. And no one ever thought that I was gorgeous. Lol. Popular people. I'm adding her as a friend. Who woulda thunk that in two years after high school Valerie Lachica would friendster Kaitlyn Ho.
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�MY 5 MOST RECENT ENTRIES�
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