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Beauty is so hard to attain...
September 13, 2003 ~ 2:40 AM
My insomnia is driving me crazy. I can't sleep. And I need to get up early today to get ready for a photo shoot. EW!!! Gah. I look like such crap in pictures unless I spend hours making myself pretty. Noah thinks I'm gorgeous. I can never be gorgeous. Even with make-up and cute clothes and losing a few pounds I might find myself pretty even... cute usually... but gorgeous? I could never be gorgeous. And especially with NO SLEEP. Lol. Ew. I should not have eaten Sabieng with Noah today. I forgot my rule of no eating a day before a shoot. It's supposed to be 12 hours... but I do a day because I'm chubby already. Gah! Oh I was poking around Noah's friend Julian's website and I came across pictures that he's taken. He is a very good photographer, actually. I'd love to do a shoot with him. I'll bet he could make me look pretty? Meh. Prolly not. Lol. Not to insult him... I honestly don't think anyone could "make" me look pretty. And even if someone could, I still wouldn't BE pretty. Ew. But anyway, I found this picture and this is the gorgeous I wish I could be:
::sigh:: But alas... I think that type of beauty can only be found inside of people; something that I probably cannot ever begin to grasp. Inner beauty. I'm too busy being me to develop inner beauty. Sometimes I feel like I'm selling my body. Photographers ask me "How much do you charge for your services?" Modeling services, of course... but... makes me feel... queasy. And yet I do it. So when my utilities check bounces, I can pay it back. So I can buy food. So I can pay for the DSL. So I can see Trapt play at the Catalyst on October 2nd. So I can pay rent. So I don't feel so helpless when I go out with friends. So I can pay my parents back. So I can do this thing that most people do with such ease called "survive". I'm reading Notes from the Underground right now at Noah's recommendation. I've barely started and it already makes me think. It's frustrating when I try to make Matt think and talk to me. He just hides. I know how Noah feels when I do that. My thoughts are only mine until I speak them aloud. And then, they belong to anyone to belittle and criticize and shun as they wish. Life is such a beautiful thing.
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�MY 5 MOST RECENT ENTRIES�
August 02, 2004 [3:29 AM] - Took the HELL test again...
July 29, 2004 [3:57 AM] - Forgiveness... Meh. Lol
July 28, 2004 [4:54 PM] - Emotional Limbo... *bends over backwards*
July 28, 2004 [1:29 PM] - the miracle of Moo
July 28, 2004 [3:05 AM] - The sound of the ocean....