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yak. yak, yak, yak.
September 22, 2003 ~ 1:21 AM
HAHAHAHAHA. Wow. Have you heard the new radio advertisement for cupid.com? There's a yak on it. Named Jack. And some woman named Itsy... WOW. HAHAHA. I'd join dating sites if I were able to meet people who herd yaks!!! =] Fuzzy cows at county fairs come to mind. I sure do miss that fuzzy cow.
I took The Pregnancy Test on The Spark and they told me that I'm pregnant. Shitty shit. Oh... And I found my wedding ring. The one that I say whoever proposes to me with it I'll marry. Yeah. It was in the wrong file in my folder. I found it when I was looking for icons. Lol. Yeah. Good stuff. It's pretty. Noah sed it was gaudy and tacky. =P I like it. It's amethyst and diamond. And platinum but I'd like silver better. I think. I don't know if the ring means too much anymore. Since the person I wanan marry doesn't wanna get married. And Matt... lol... I don't think he wants to get married, either. Kaitlyn Duncan? Hahahaha. Well... it works. Heh. I'm gonna use the ring as my AIM icon. Lol. AND my MSN icon. Yahoo doesn't have icons... but if it did, I'd make it the icon, also. Lol. I doubt ppl will ask. There are pretty random icons out there. But yeah.
I've been thinking about Noah a whole lot. I hang around people; boys especially.. and they juss remind me why I love Noah. Lol. Today was okay. Hung out with Tiffani and a friend of hers. Kelly. OMG that Kelly girl is FINE. Lol. Skinny little white girls. I go for older guys but for some weird reason I always go for younger girls. They are so fucking cute. I kissed her even though she smokes cigs and was drinking beer. Like... ew. Meh. She's cute, though. Lol. And hey, she kissed me. I keep my bisexuality tamped down unless I'm hella drunk or high or both. And I've been stayin away from both lately. I pulled away, though when some guy Nathan tried to get in on the action. Ew. That was hard. Lol. I was in the middle and we were on a couch. LOL. Wow. And Nathan's friend.. I don't even remember his name but dayam. That boy would NOT stop touching my ass. Lol. I was getting all weirded out. We were all chilling at Keith's new place. It's pretty cute. Him and his friend Chris live right next to the Boardwalk. This guy Bobby- I totally took a liking to him cuz HE DIDN'T HIT ON ME. And Keith's roomate Chris didn't either cuz he has a gf. So I like them two. Lol. I love Keith, of course. Tons. He tried kissing me. That was... WEIRD. I was like... wow. I mean, I didn't even kiss back. And he was trying to get me into it. I'm glad there are no hard feelings, though... it was a really ackward sitch. Then I threw Tif at him and it was all good. Keith is HOT. And a total sweet talker OMG he's almost as bad as Josh Cook. Lol. I was in love with Noah the first time I met him. I'm in love with Noah now. Lol. Good stuff, dude. Good stuff. It's weird. Kissing Matt... makes me miss Noah's tongue... LOL. Actually, I'm sure kissing anyone will make me miss Noah's tongue. Don't ask. I'm weird. After that, Matt came and rescued me from ass-grabbage and lewd comments and blatant ogling. Matt is wonderful. I can't help but smile. Lol. I can't even be serious around him. Well... I can. But he juss needs to gimme that doofy confused look and then I burst out laffing. Heh. Damn kid being so damned cute.
Okay. There is a song that I actually DON'T LIKE. Wow. I juss heard it right now. It's some girl and she sez "shut up, shut up, shut up, just shut up" a whole lot. Yeah. AGRAVATTING!!!
Yeah Andy is being weird again. He says he's gonna pretend I'm not here again... Lol. Like when I first moved in... Um... Okay. But I know that if he really does love me like he's said then he'll come around. And for sure he'll miss me when I'm gone. =D Lol.
I wonder what Noah is doing RIGHT NOW. Prolly not sitting in front of a computer? Lol. I wish I had Civ. I miss it. Even thought it was hella frustrating. It was... no mindey. And then I get to stop thinking all the time. Lol. We all know that if you wait around for someone to come back to you they won't. You gotta "know" that they won't come back for months before they actually do get a clue and come back. Lol. My Noah. I love him so fucking much. I wish I didn't love Matt so much. I wish I wasn't as affectionate as I am. I wish he'd ask out that girl. Lol. So I don't think that I'm depriving him of something valuable? I mean, Iono. Meh. Gra. I don't think it'll matter. He is SO in love with me. Lol. For some weird reason... that makes me happy. But... it shouldn't. Cuz even if I did get over Noah again, which will enable me to love Matt and juss Matt, I'm moving down to LA. My parents want me to start looking for a sublettee, NOW. And move as soon as possible. That's... ew. Makes me sad. All my friends are coming back. Matt and Keith and Tif and Kelly and Dink and Robbie and Lauren and Auriel and Isaac and well... everyone. It sucks that I'm leaving.
Oh... I got a message from MATTY today. Matty... The most amazing person I've ever fucked. And the most amazing fuck, too. Well... then Noah happened. And now no one can compare. But then again... I haven't had sex with Matty again. And he definitely wants to. He made that very very clear. And me, I made it clear that it was not gonna happen. But... I'm not too sure myself. I told him that we could hang out. But juss as friends. I dunno. I throw purely platonic vibes at Keith and he tries to kiss me. Matty... I don't even think any vibes I have around him will be purely platonic. =/ I mean... in my mind.. he's like.. a legend? Lol. Not really. But man he's hot. And his body is so fucking tight. Fucking sexy ass six-pack shit. Gorgeous everything. His arms and shoulders are perfect. Gah. He's just perfect. Physically, that is. Surfer boy. He's near perfect in personality, etc, too... He's one of the sweetest most charismatic people in the world! I mean, he's better than ME! ::growl:: Kat, what the FUCK are you getting yerself into? Lol. I don't think I'm gonna let myself get into it. I prolly won't hang out with him. Least not unless I have a boyfriend. Cuz I don't cheat.
Matty's sorta gf juss recently broke it off with him. Kat's sorta bf juss recently broke it off with her. Matty is sorta sad and bummed etc. Kat is sorta sad and bummed etc. Matty doesn't really wanna get over his sorta ex gf. Kat doesn't really wanna get over her sorta ex bf. Matty is still in love with said sorta ex gf. Kat is still in love with said sorta ex bf. Matty remembers how Kat is amazing in bed. Kat remembers how Matty is amazing in bed.
Curiosity? I dunno. I juss know that from the moment I passed him on the street downtown SC that one fateful night... me and him have had KILLER chemistry. Like blow shit up chemistry. Kat, as a hot blooded woman who has one hell of a sex drive, is talking outta her ass right now cuz she knows that when it comes down to it, she won't have sex with anyone right now. Matt might have been an exception. He's not 18, though. So yeah. Kat has learned how to masturbate. So she gets by. Matty... wants to watch. LOL. Oh god. The last thing I needed right now is for Matty Umstead to reappear in my life. Gah! I definitely would have fallen in love with him had he given me a chance. But I was always juss a casual fuck to him. And I knew it. And it hurt. And that's why I knew that I wanted more than just that from him. Cuz I was fucking guys casually a lot back then. And loving them. And connecting. And just being a casual fuck. But a good friend. And I was fine. When Matty happened... it hurt that I wasn't more. I admitted this to him today... and it surprised him. He didn't know I guess... I dunno.
I wish I could juss be in love with one person and belong with that person and live with them and have them be a part of my life instead of taking me away from my life or jeopardizing my way of life. See Noah's got this whole spiel about how I'm not ready for him cuzza the choices I make like moving back down to LA. He's got my halfway convinced not to go to LA anymore. I mean, shit. Andy thinks he's got a right to tell me what I think and how I feel and who I hate. And here Noah is telling me what I want and where I wanna go and whether or not I'm ready for shit. OMFG. Doesn't Kat have a say, here? I mean, I do. I say. But they don't listen. GOD IT'S FRUSTRATING!!! Do you know how aggravating it is for people to think they can be YOU.
ATTENTION: SORRY!!! YOU ARE NOT KAT. YOU WILL NEVER BE KAT. YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M THINKING OR WHY I DO THINGS OR HOW I FEEL OR WHAT I'M READY FOR!!!!!! AND IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME WHEN I TELL YOU ABOUT ME, YOU GO AHEAD, BUT DON'T BREAK MY HEART OVER IT! DON'T HURT ME BECAUSE OF IT!
Does anyone see how this is unfair? Lol. That was.. really a laugh. Outloud. But there was no humor in it. Now Andy won't be my friend, and Noah won't be my anything. Cuz they think they know me better than I do... HAH! Fuck them. I don't need people like them. They can do their thing and I just wait around and hope they get a clue and come around. Lol. My parents used to be like that. A whole fucking lot. Only difference is I hated their guts for it. And I still love Noah and Andy to no end. And anyone else who does it...
I was on my new MSN messenger 6.0 today. And someone messaged me asking me who I am. Branden is his name. It turns out I had found him and added him from FTJ months ago. He told me that he has an FTJ profile. "Yeah, that's not the real me..." And then he left. But it got me thinking. Is anyone on there the real them? I mean... you are there to be your best, to impress, to be pretty, and hot, and perfect and witty. Clever and intelligent. To catch attention. To be different. To be able to keep someone's attention in hopes that they will talk to you. Or seem impassive about it and hope that no one talks to you. Or be a certain something so that other people, the viewers, will get some sort of impression of you. No one there is real. Cept maybe Matt and my sister. And Travis. But that's it. I wasn't either. I was... just not. I was me but trying to be something sensational. And I'm not. I don't like how my room stays messy. I don't like how I don't want any responsibilities anymore cuz I had so many when I was growing up. I don't like that I can't find any job that will let me wear my cat ears. I don't like that Longs told me that they aren't hiring and then hire some pubescent 16 year old a week later. I don't like how money makes the world go around and love doesn't mean a thing to anyone anymore. It simply exists. Fuck love, what you need is money. Then you'll be happy.
So my boobs still hurt. And it sucks.
And I love this "sugar, sugar" song by Baby Beesh. It's SO awesome.
My hands are still peeling. Well, my fingers... it's craziness. And gross. And when I rub my face it hurts. And my face is all red from the friction of the dead skin chipping off of my fingers. It's GROSS!!! Gah!! Lotion does not help. Makes me hella sadness! Gra! That did not make sense. And me... I'm gonna go clean my room. *rubs face* Ow. I need... to feel alive again. I need to sit at Love's truck stop and wear my heart on my arm in all it's gory {that was not a typo and I know it's shitty grammer but hey, it flowed.} I want to feel... tingling with everything that I say. I wanna take a deep breath and forget to let it out because stillness means so much. I want to feel that rush. The joy. The love and excitement and necessary hurt. I want to put more bricks down. And build a fucking house with LOVE. I want a future.
That's something that bothers me. Matt doesn't want a future. he doesn't wanna go to college. He doesn't wanna be anything. Or do anything. He wants the easy way out of everything. He just wants to snowboard all day. He actually said "well, Kat, YOU could get a job and support me and my snowboarding!" He was only 20% kidding. There is no way that would work. Oh, and he doesn't want a family. Never wants kids. Okay now that's REALLY not gonna work. And yet, I love him from here to the moon. Prolly over to Venus, too. Wut a bum. Lol. OH wellz.
Wow radio is repetitive. If I hear Genuwine sing about those fucking jeans one more time {I've heard it X6 now thus far} I'm gonna scream. And put in a CD. Lol.
One day, I'm gonna be able to make decisions to Noah's liking. And he'll come back to me. One day, Matt will realize that no matter how much in love with someone you are, sometimes fate doesn't have a place for them with you in the future. It's like a big fuck you. This person here, is PERFECT for you. But guess what? In six months, they won't be! HAHA! I can hear fate taunting us. Heh. Matt wants me to move to Whistler with him when he turns 18. I'd love to. Cept... I wanna get a teaching degree. ANd teaching credentials for California. Not Canada. I mean, I'm sure that kids are the same everywhere, but still. I wanna learn how to snowboard, though. THAT'S for sure. I just... poor baby. I can't do it. When it comes down to it... I won't go up there and throw away my life for him. I want my companion to be a huge part of my life. But not so much that it isn't my life anymore. Not so much that I have to leave my life. My path. I oculd change my mind by then. Maybe I'll hate LA. Maybe it'll hurt too much being so close to Noah yet so far away? Maybe I'll leave on a whim and be happy with Matt. Me and Matt can certainly be happy together. We've got that down to a T. I just don't want to do things that deviate from my path that I will spend the rest of my life regretting. Matt needs to find a girl who doesn't wanna do anything with her life, either. One who doesn't like to think too much. Or talk about feelings. Or need to hear "I love you" once in a while. And doesn't like to dance. And doesn't wanna get married. Or want a family. Or likes kids. Basically... duh-doi. Like Matt. He needs a skinny blonde cheerleader chick who'll be a snow bunny and be happy to live off of mommy and daddy's monthly allowance check. Someone more like him. Someone he won't call "Crazy" all the time. "Crazy Kat". He says it all the time. More than he says "Funny Kat". And yet... I don't really wanna let him go. Even though I know there is someone out there who is perfect for him. He thinks that I am. Perfect for him. And I think he's old enough, but not experienced enough to know what kinda girl is good for him. I am definitely... =] Eesh. I love that kid so much. Lol.
I want a Ferrari 575M Maranello. I black one. Okay? If someone could go get it for me, that would be awesome. I don't want leather seats, though. Of course, I NEED a car. But I don't NEED a Ferrari 575M Maranello. I just WANT one. I need to get a car. And then insurance. Shittish. I have a headache. And my back hurts. And I don't really want to sleep. Though I should... it's 4:29 AM. Good stuff. Fine fine. Imma try to go to bed.
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�MY 5 MOST RECENT ENTRIES�
August 02, 2004 [3:29 AM] - Took the HELL test again...
July 29, 2004 [3:57 AM] - Forgiveness... Meh. Lol
July 28, 2004 [4:54 PM] - Emotional Limbo... *bends over backwards*
July 28, 2004 [1:29 PM] - the miracle of Moo
July 28, 2004 [3:05 AM] - The sound of the ocean....