Last Entry - Next Entry - Newest Entry my heart smells like vomit September 26, 2003 ~ 5:07 AM Sometimes I wonder what the FUCK Noah is thinking... for him to do the things he does. I mean, you've got the orb. It looks smooth but there's a hundred million fucking facets on him! I can't even begin to see why he's ignoring me again for a second time. Whatever it was he was trying to acheive, he obviously DIDN'T. FUCK! I don't even know WHAT to think. It's like he wishes I didn't exist or something. Meh. I dunno. Fuck him. Fuck love. Whatever. Fuck it. People are always tell me OMG you are SO OBSESSED WITH NOAH. ANd I tell him {it's is always a male} that I'm not obsessed, I'm in love. So really... Is the line between love and obsession really that fine? Because... I'm obsessed with cats. And rainbows. And I obsess over long hair on guys. But I am NOT obsessed with Noah. I'm just completely in love with him. in love -Deeply or passionately enamored -Highly or immoderately fond -A feeling of strong attachment induced by that which delights or commands admiration; preeminent kindness or devotion to another; affection; tenderness -Marked by foolish or unreasoning fondness obsessed -having or showing excessive or compulsive concern with something -influenced or controlled by a powerful force such as a strong emotion Okay, so I might seem obsessed... but even if I am, it could be DRIVEN by my being in love. It could be one and the same. Count on the English language to make "in love" and "obsessed" so fucking complimentary of each other. Sometimes I wonder what the FUCK Matt is thinking... for him to do the things he does. Then I wonder why the fuck I'm wondering that cuz- Oh yeah, he doesn't think period. Duh. He needs to keep telling me that because I keep forgetting that it is possible for some people to just NOT USE THEIR BRAIN CELLS. Pisses me off he keeps saying how he never thinks and the kid is OBVIOUSLY smart. What a waste of fucking brains. He needs to realize that life is more than just about how to get your next laugh. NEEDS to learn how to think deeper than "I want Taco Bell". I am going to be SINGLE. And just that. Not see ANYONE. I am so fucking tired of well.. everything. What the point of relationships? Finding someone, right? The "one". What if the people that you end up with always run away from conflict instead of trying to work it out. Maybe, if he's the "one", there shouldn't be anything to work out? Maybe, there really isn't such thing as "the one" and there is just no one. There are tons of things in my life that I would be FINE without but prefer to have. Like alcohol and chocolate. I love alcohol. It makes me... forget. It makes me woozy and not care and temporarily happy. {puts me in the same state of mind as Matt...} And chocolate... everyone KNOWS that's a comfort food. But hey, I don't need either to live my life and be happy. Noah is alcohol and chocolate. Cept he isn't bad for my body and he doesn't make me fat. He's bad for my security and makes me... whole lotta things. *achoo* *achoo* *achoo* *achoo* Wow that was a whole lotta sneezage. Now I feel all *achoo* miserable and crappy and shit. *achoo* This sucks. Love is not a funny thing. It is not a wonderful thing. It is a retarded thing that needs drugs to stabalize it. Love just bring stress and hassle and pain. And every time I fall in love I think it's the most wonderful thing. Then reality smacks me in the face and my heart throws up. Cuz it's just sick. What I do to my heart is sick and disgusting. well this time I'm not going to watch myself die I think I made it a game to play your game and let myself cry I buried myself alive on the inside so I could shut you out and let you go away for a long time I'm talking to someone on AIM right now. It's making me sick and disgusted even more. The world is such a shitty place. I'm putting the convo in my private folder, sorry. Ugh. Disgusting. And sad. So so sad. I talked to Jon Kuzma this morning. From Wisconsin. That was... very nice. And soft. And just... warm. I needed that very much. I asked him if he had really been in love with me all those months ago. It was a yes. His love was something of a miracle for me. At that time in my life... well.. in most times in my life... I'd just wanted to die. And there he was... I don't even know how to describe it. And I haven't been asleep for like... days... so I'm not even gonna try... I won't do it justice. The person that I'm talking to on AIM is disgusting the fuck outta me. Definitely twisted. God. Makes me queasy that ppl like this exist. I mean, jeez. I really really like blueberry muffins. The first thing I did, though, when I got them was peel the price and nutrition facts off the box. I love blueberry muffins. I love too many things and too many people and whatever and what does any of it do? Nothing but make my life MISERABLE. Love fucking sucks. I was playing Mario Sunshine tonight. I gots 74 shines now! *yay*! I woulda continued but I realized that if I kept walking off cliffs, I'd run outta lives. Ha! Sleep deprivation does not make for a good video game player. I need Matt. To beat the stupid secrets and get red *achoo* coins. Dammit not again with the sneezes. I put on SOCKS for pete's sake! WOW. It's 9 AM. Jeez. Time FLIES when you don't sleep! Eesh. I have the inexplicable to get drunk off my ass. And play Mario Party. Or maybe juss one. Mario Party makes me miss Noah, though. God damn I do miss him sometimes. I miss Matt sometimes, too. I wanna meet Jon someday. Hopefully I WON'T fall in love with him. =P I miss Abel all the time. I miss cookies and cream ice cream. I miss... my kitty... I REALLY miss my kitty. Yeah.. me go now. <3 Last Entry - Next Entry - Newest Entry ~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~ �MY 5 MOST RECENT ENTRIES� August 02, 2004 [3:29 AM] - Took the HELL test again... July 29, 2004 [3:57 AM] - Forgiveness... Meh. Lol July 28, 2004 [4:54 PM] - Emotional Limbo... *bends over backwards* July 28, 2004 [1:29 PM] - the miracle of Moo July 28, 2004 [3:05 AM] - The sound of the ocean.... .