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today is my FAVORITE DAY ever
September 28, 2003 ~ 3:38 AM
Noah called me tonight. We had a very LOVELY conversation with no drama, minimal crying, and ... welll... there was a whole lot of bitterness in the beginning but it faded away gradually. It was, overall, an amazingly wonderful conversation and now I'm all HAPPY and satiated. I was talking to Matt on the phone once and I told him that I missed intelligent conversation.. What I actually meant was intellectual conversation. Lol. It's nice. A good change for me. Makes me use them rusty wheels in me brain. I've found out that me and Matt have absolutely no conflict in our relationship... if we don't TALK. Like really talk. Never do that. Eesh. It's awesome that Noah's not ignoring me. Being friends. That's gonna be cool. Well. Iono. I think he wants to be friends cuz he wants to get over me. I don't think... meh. I'm not even sure if I want him to any longer. I'm just so tired of waiting. Lol. I think that if we tried it'll work. I just need to fix myself. I mean... if he tells me my mistakes, of COURSE I'm gonna try to fix it. So I'm his little secret once again. Oh well. Least he's talkin to me. I can't have everything, right? Lol. Like my email unblocked. Gah. It's his thing, though. He needs to do his thing on his own time.
So I did NOT see Matt today. Again. I dunno I was so used to seeing him everyday. This is very very strange. It's for the best I guess. Detachment. Noah says that I'm bad for Matt. This may very well be true. He also thinks that I should break it off cleanly with Matt and break his heart sooner or later. Something about my only not doing so because I don't wanna feel guilty. I love him. I mean, I'm leaving and there is no way for a relationship to happen... and I KNOW this. And Matt can vouch for me when I say that I've tried to break it off with him. I'm just not doing a very good job. I like how I feel when I'm sitting in front of him playing Mario Party and his hand is softly caressing my neck and shoulder. It's jus... comforting. And Matt isn't complaining. He knows I'm leaving. I honestly think that he should be able to make the decision. If he broke it off with me I would understand... with my inevitable move to So Cal in the not so distant future. There was a time when I woulda loved to mean the whole world to that boy. And now... things have changed and I wish we meant a little less to each other. Imma miss him. I am. Imma miss hanging out with him. My little *sweetheart*. Sad!!! I'm leavin him... Iono. I wanna go to LA even though I found out that it WAS Noah who came into my room. What a bastard! Tracked dirt all over my floor. Lol. He came in and took his shirt and read my diary and left his flashlight. Good stuff. Not. Meh. Still wanna move. I'm so sick and tired of doing NOTHING. Oh Imma do something, though next week. I'm gonna go to SF with Aaron on Monday. And I'm gonna hafta clean up my fucking room. And DiNk is gonna teach me how to use his turntables!!! Yeah!!! I'm so fuckin excited!!! *weeeeeee* I'm gonna miss DiNk like you don't even KNOW. I mean... sure I've only met him in person once {ah, the wonders of Friendster} but he's one of my most favoritest people in the entire world. Just this awesome positive and purely platonic vibe. Cool cool guy. He's so great. And his gf is very pretty. <3 He loves her tons, I'm sure. She's very lucky to have him. A bit too many piercings for me, though. Lol. 15! Wow!I'm sure the music he makes is great, too. He has yet to burn me a CD of his stuff. Um.. what else to talk about... there was something else... What was it? Oh yeah I've never been so happy to start my period. Lol. For a bit there I thought I could be pregnant. Yeah I have no been drinking and I dunno why... And now taht I know that I can start with my Prozac again. But really... do I need to? I've been okay. Not nearly as bad as before. Even when it ocmes to Noah. I mean he sed some hurtful things tonight on the phone and I shed a few tears but nothing really serious. I think it hurt more that he was so angry when I hurt him. I guess I just forgive too easily. And I wish other poeple would forgive me, too. When I say things out of anger... people should know that it's simply angry words. Matt does sometimes. Noah... Iono. He's easily hurt. I thought I wasn't... but he can hurt me. I remember this little tiny incident... when he was driving me home... he was speeding and he got a ticket. When the cop went to run his driver's license, I tried to put my hand on Noah's to comfort him and he jerked it away and told me not to touch him. That hurt a whole fucking lot. And I didn't really cry. I mean... yeah... I think I can do this. If I start taking em... I'll juss get dependant on them, again... And that would SUCK. Not be able to be happy without them. I like this. I feel sadness but I feel joy, too. And though I don't really sleep... I'm fine. I don't have nightmares that much anymore... Just that ONE. The one that feels like a past life. I get sad but not depressed. I no longer have any desire to die or hurt myself. NONE. And it is AWESOME. I need to find a replacement word for "awesome" I say it too much. Okay... let's see... synonyms... so next time I wanna say "awesome" remind me to say something like magnificent or marvelous or smashing or splendid or... FANTASMO. Lol. I think that's really a word... Iono. Imma say that anyway... even if it ISN'T! So =P . Yes. Marvelous. A new word to use excessively and get tired of! Hella cool. I am actually... tired. I think I'm gonna go to sleep, now. Um.. yeah let's see if it works... That's weird.. I never sleep... It's not even 5Am yet! Okay... wait, it is... it's 5:05AM. Damn. But I'm actually feeling like I need to sleep... and so I shall!!!
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�MY 5 MOST RECENT ENTRIES�
August 02, 2004 [3:29 AM] - Took the HELL test again...
July 29, 2004 [3:57 AM] - Forgiveness... Meh. Lol
July 28, 2004 [4:54 PM] - Emotional Limbo... *bends over backwards*
July 28, 2004 [1:29 PM] - the miracle of Moo
July 28, 2004 [3:05 AM] - The sound of the ocean....