Last Entry - Next Entry - Newest Entry
Reading older shit...
October 15, 2003 ~ 8:20 AM
I almost wanna delete my entry from Monday the 13th. All the drama just seems... unimportant and my anger seems very unjustified, not to mention the anger and spite. It was in the moment, though... lashing out was needed and my diary would suck if I took things like that out. I always change my mind about such things. Cuz eventually I will forgive. That's the first step. And then I see where he's coming from or I realize that it didn't really matter so much. And then I love him again. I think that's a pattern that occurs whenever conflict happens. Me and Noah are on better terms yet again. It will always happen like that. There's too much love and if he wants to think it's not real that's his problem. We still have this platonic love to hang onto, though. Friends is good. I used to say things like I don't want a serious relationship. I don't think I want any relationship at all right now. I've found, however, that platonic vibes, sent to the wrong guys could make me, instead of a flirt, more akin to a challenge. Josh sed something about some girls being more easily convinced than others. And then something about sex not being a relationship. I told him, only half joking, "Oh, fuck off." Noah brought up the idea that I want people to wanna have sex with me cuz it makes me feel like Noah's a lucky guy and boosts my self confidence, etc... {Aaron asked me in his letter to tell Noah he's lucky so I did. I guess Noah doesn't understand that that was Aaron's sentiment and not mine} I don't know if deep down inside my twisted and manipulative/delusional psyche this is true. As far as I know, however, I'd be fine if no one ever wanted to fuck me again. {I'm lying... there's Matt... he's a different story} I'd love for people to just wanna be friends with me. I've never thought of Noah as lucky to have me. It didn't occur to me that I was something to be treasured or revered. I just loved him, you know? And at times, feel more an encumbrance than any treasure. And my self confidence is *checks esteem meter* just as low as ever. Meh. I'm going home today. In like an hour. Watch as mommy and daddy... hate me. I think... whatever choice I make will be a good one. And if not, I'll make the best of it. Suck the situation dry. I think getting a job and an apt would be a great way of proving to my parents that I am fully capable of getting my shit together.
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~
�MY 5 MOST RECENT ENTRIES�
August 02, 2004 [3:29 AM] - Took the HELL test again...
July 29, 2004 [3:57 AM] - Forgiveness... Meh. Lol
July 28, 2004 [4:54 PM] - Emotional Limbo... *bends over backwards*
July 28, 2004 [1:29 PM] - the miracle of Moo
July 28, 2004 [3:05 AM] - The sound of the ocean....