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Life sucks. Fuck everything. And everyone.
October 17, 2003 ~ 3:13 PM
Noah treats me like a fuckin yo-yo. He jerks me around by a leash hooked to my heart. He takes advantage of the fact that I am SO MUCH IN LOVE WITH HIM that he can do anything to my emotions/disposition and I'll juss take it. And still want him back. He's a paranoid, bitter, hateful, misleading, bipolar asshole. If I try to get him back {I'm in love w/ him, mind you}, SHOOT ME! Really. Or him. Do him, too. He wants to die anyway. He told me so the other day. He told me he wanted to leave this world and take just me with him. And now he's changed his mind and tells me that I'm the one who makes him wanna die. Me & Noah are OVER. Declared by ME so it counts. We all know HIS words don't mean jack shit; he'd jus change his mind again and again and again and again. I HAVE TO extract my heart from his twisted, fucked up, conditional love. Oh, yeah, me and Noah had sorta gotten back together. I juss didn't tell anyone. And the only reason why I'm telling you all this shit now {why this isn't gonna be a private entry} is cuz Noah told me to tell all my friends what happened. Not because I wanna bitch. Cuz Noah expected me to. And I wasn't gonna. But now I did. {Why do I do that? I almost went and fucked Josh Cook juss cuz my MOM was SO convinced that I am or did or whatever. I've never fucked Josh Cook.} Noah is SUCH a fucking DICK sometimes. Arg. He's got problems. Like flipping out over the smallest things. Blows shit up and out of the water, makes mountains out of little ant hill problems. The example he used for why he can't date me is some text messages we exchanged. I texted him asking if he'd decided yet if he's gonna date other people. Cuz I'd asked him while I was in Westwood with him and he told me he needs to think about it. And instead of answering, he jumped to conclusions and texted me back with something along the lines of "Who do you want to date?" I mean, come on. If I wanted to date other people I'd be dating other people, dammit. I was wondering what HE wanted. And he juss automatically assumed the worse of me. That I'd asked because I personally wanted to date other people. Maybe HE works like that, but I don't. Though he seems to think I do cuz he makes assumptions like that a whole lot. Anyway I told him "YOU" and then something like "Just answer the question before I jump to conclusions and freak out. jk. meh" cuz that's exactly what HE'D done. Jumped to conclusions. I was mocking him.... So he didn't reply to that one. And he tried to file it under reasons why I can't date Kat- cuz she'll freak out about stupid shit. Or something. He LOVES his double standards, man! Does anyone see why I want to spend the rest of my life with this guy? Ugh. I mean, we were so fucking happy. He even told me. I went and sat in his Physics class. He told me afterwards that he's never felt so great about life and classes and stuff. He even offered to let me live with him so I can get the fuck away from my parents. And then he comes out with this you make me wanna die shit when the night before I'd addressed that and he said ... well... here:
KatLikesStars (12:44:43 AM): noah i was IN YOUR ARMS and you wanted to die... that tears me up.
NoahDekkers (12:45:00 AM): i wanted to leave this place with you
NoahDekkers (12:45:03 AM): to wherever
NoahDekkers (12:45:07 AM): somewhere limitless
NoahDekkers (12:45:23 AM): its just is
He wanted to stop existing, but he'd wanted me to go with him. I was there. He meant that. He can't take that back. He's juss blowing it off. He focuses on all the negative shit and then it's too much for him. If he focused on both the negative AND positive he'd prolly be just as happy as I with the relationship. Which is not TOO happy, but it's better than what he has. He creates this completely negative environment. He can't do it too well when I'm there with him cuz the positive is right there in his face. But when I leave him to do my own thing... he just flips and starts agonizing over the negative shit. All that negative energy kills our relationship. It's exactly what he makes it. He just can't admit it to himself. He likes to think that he knows everything. And if it doesn't fit, it's my fault. Or... something. Ugh. I just know he uses me as an excuse for everything. He'll be in a relationship with someone else and won't focus on the negative shit because he only connects it with ME. I'm the excuse. I'm his scape-goat. There are NO perfect relationships. There will always be conflict. He just won't dwell on it as much and pore over it as intensely because whoever it's with it won't be me. And in his head it'll be awesome. The state of mind he creates when he's away from me but mine... It's a filthy place. But he's the one who puts himself there. But maybe it's good for him, right? To send his scape goat to the slaughter house. In his future relationships then, he'll do much better cuz he WON'T be focusing on all this shit cuz he only identifies it with Kat. He needs to shut the fuck up about "Kat, I can't help you" cuz I never asked him to help me. This only hurts cuz I'm so in love with him. Cuz he's an amazing person and when I'm with him it's just RIGHT. And when I look at him... that's what I wanted to see everyday for the rest of my life. It's okay. I'm over it. I mean, it still hurts like a bitch. But he can only stab me so many times before my nerves die and I stop feeling the pain. I'll find someone better looking to look at for the rest of my life... like Matt. =P Ouch. Lol. Meh. I think Noah's gorgeous but that's cuzza his marvelous personality. Which just doesn't seem to be something to marvel about right now. The REALLY sad thing is, if he asked me to marry him RIGHT NOW, I'd prolly say yes. If he agreed to go to couple therapy or marriage counseling, though. Not otherwise. My point is I still love him enough to want him even though I dun want him anymore. Like I said earlier, if I try getting him back any more, shoot me. I keep on crawling back to him/begging for him to take me back. Or no... the drive to Westwood that night, I wasn't begging. As a matter of fact, I went over cuz I'd almost believed that he really didn't love me for real anymore. And I'd wanted to see it for myself. I didn't know he was gonna fuck me over. I wasn't planning on it. I was actually planning against it. But I have problems saying no to Noah Dekkers. He needs to figure out what the FUCK he wants with me. Or, no. It wouldn't matter anymore. I wouldn't go back to him again. Not without counseling. He used to talk about couple therapy. I didn't believe we'd ever actually go. Any third party would disprove at least 2/3 of his little "theories" about me. He'd be stripped of his excuses. Now that he never wants to be in a relationship with me again {supposedly; he'll prolly change his mind again} he's pretending to be all gung ho about it. Too little too fucking late, Noah. I'm not wasting my time and energy and emotional well being on Noah anymore. If he doesn't wanna be a couple EVER then fuck couple therapy. What's it gonna do NOW? He's already made his choice. Antagonized and backed up in a corner, a cat will still get away, right out from under you all teeth and claws and spit and fur. If under isn't possible, she'll go over you if need be- leaving scratches across yer back. I can't take his paranoia anymore. I can't play his little blame game. I can't deal with his high and mighty "I know everything about you so HA" attitude.
Matt has GOT to be thrilled about this shit. For some weird reason, I'm disgusted by that. Cuz in some weird indirect way, he's deriving joy from my pain. He's forgiven; I think I'm thrilled too, and also disgusted with myself. I wish I hadn't been so fucking needy. I wish I had blocked Noah so he'd never get back into my life. I wish I were with Matt right NOW. Matt doesn't hurt me like Noah does. I'm just scared that he will in the future. Knowing me and my life, Matt will prolly break my heart and fuck me over just like Noah. So I should just avoid him, too. I doubt I'll be able to. I love him too fucking much. I'll prolly get with Matt, even if it means I end up even MORE hurt and alone. *sigh*
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�MY 5 MOST RECENT ENTRIES�
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