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Noah has problems.
October 17, 2003 ~ 4:26 PM
I'd gotten Noah blacklights. Cuz he'd said he wanted some when I was with him in Westwood. Text messaging:
[Do you still want the blacklights? If not I'll go return them or pretend I got it for myself for my birthday sunday. Don't call me. Jus text me yes or no.]
He calls me. I don't pick up. He calls me again. I accidently pick up cuz I was trying to type a text message to him not to call me. I hang up immediately and continue on with my text messaging.
[Don't call me. I don't especially wanna talk to you. Jus tell me yes or no]
He calls me. I pick up.
"What part of Don't CALL me do you NOT understand?"
He laughs. And tells me that it's my choice. What's my choice? Whether or not he wants the fucking blacklights. And he proceeds to tell me that he has nothing to do with whether or not HE wants the blacklights. That it's my choice to make. Well... seeing as I BOUGHT THEM FOR HIM I sorta wanted to know if he WANTS THEM STILL. How does that NOT have to do with him? A simple yes or no. If yes, then okay, I woulda gone over there and given em to him. If no, then I woulda done something else with em. Maybe return them but most likely keep them. My question was if he WANTED it or not. I mean, I did get it for him. How does that have anything NOT to do with him? What a fucking retard. Anywho he hangs up. So I call him back. Decided that fuck it even if he wants it he can't have em. Haha. He hangs up on me or something... sez he's busy? Okay. So I text him another one.
[Imma jus keep em if you don't want em. They'll be brighter than the little ones I'd wanted originally anywho.]
He calls me. I don't pick up. He calls me again. I accidently pick up. He leaves I told him I was gonna text it to him. Er no... I told him I'd already texted it to him. I text him again.
[And I'm not kidding, Noah. Don't call me. If you wanna get in touch use text messaging or email.]
He didn't call me. He texted me.
[K]
*yay* for Noah finally getting the fucking point! We're so proud. We being me and my mother and prolly Matt if he knew... and prolly some of YOU, too.
I'd still like to slice myself up with a dull knife. Or maybe jump off a cliff to be one with the waves crashing on the jagged rocks below.
How I deal with rejection? Find people who DON'T reject me. Meaning: I fuck a whole lot. Hook up with a lot of people. Get drunk a whole lot. I don't know how well that's gonna work this time. I have no desire. It's like my sex drive died. Cept when I'm with Noah. And I miss Matt... I miss always being with Matt. Matt made me happy. He was a happy kid. Until he met me. Then he was pissed and upset all the time. Reality check, baby. I'm not sorry. He hasn't been through anything... he's got no... nm... I'm not gonna go into this.
I don't feel like I love anyone or anything right now. Well, maybe my cat. But my cat's forgotten me. Doesn't love me as much as he used to cuz I was gone for so long. I'm scared Matt will get over me. And then I'll have no one. I want to be back with Matt. Cuz that's what seems logical to my heart and mind. Fucking perfect. I think. I changed my mind. I still love Matt right now.
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�MY 5 MOST RECENT ENTRIES�
August 02, 2004 [3:29 AM] - Took the HELL test again...
July 29, 2004 [3:57 AM] - Forgiveness... Meh. Lol
July 28, 2004 [4:54 PM] - Emotional Limbo... *bends over backwards*
July 28, 2004 [1:29 PM] - the miracle of Moo
July 28, 2004 [3:05 AM] - The sound of the ocean....