Last Entry - Next Entry - Newest Entry I'm spose to be pissed October 20, 2003 ~ 1:25 AM I juss wrote a whole lot. Quoted something that Noah had text messaged me. {Now deleted} Quoted Matt being a grade-A ASSHOLE today. {Making me cry on my birthday, what a jerk}. Quoted Brandon proposing to me today. Talked about my boring 19th birthday that just went by. And explained all my feelings and such about the situations. And then this stupid computer froze and everything I just wrote died. I'm too tired to be pissed, though... Usually I'm cursing at the world and shit right now. However, I'm not writing all that again. Hopefully, I'll remember with the reminders up there... I'm not even gonna start again. I'll juss be up all night and I wanna sleep. Me and Jason are going apt hunting tomorrow. Noah juss upset me right now. I juss did something right now that upset Noah a lot. And he in turn upset me a lot. I asked him {cuz i wanted to know once n for all} if he's ever gonna marry me. I juss needed to hear No cuz he texts me all the time telling me how much he loves me, and he tells me, so I'm not too sure. Iono. It's hard to give up hope. Too much love. Matt's my boyfriend now. I wanna see if we'll still have the problems. Him hurting me usually{prolly} is cuz insecurity. Blowing up on me over Brandon's "proposal" for instance... yeah. I could see that. Love him, though. Maybe this'll work. Give him some peace of mind. Or a piece of mind. I still wanna lash out and call him an idiotic asshole cuz he hurt me so much cussing me out like that. Not juss that but the things he said. Ouch. But I know it's gotta come from somewhere. Mistrust has got to come from something. Love with no faith or trust is no love at all. Is there even really such thing as love? xxPoisonDartxx (4:52:32 PM): so what is love? omFgnoahsUCKs (4:53:25 PM): honesty trust respect a feeling a sensation a haven a way of life intensity insanity beauty security and warmth omFgnoahsUCKs (4:53:35 PM): inexplicable sensation omFgnoahsUCKs (4:54:46 PM): the last one. that's love. love is an inexplicatble sensation. it's a chemical reaction in yer brain. omFgnoahsUCKs (4:56:39 PM): when i'm with matt... i'm not interested in anyone else.... even though he wasn't ever really my boyfriend... i've had boyfriends before i didn't love them and i'd wanna get with other guys even though i didn't cheat... the desire was there. there wasn't any desire to be with anyone else. but then, i'm a hopeless romantic and my concept of love is... well... i don't think it actually exists.... too heartbroken... fuckin Noah. imma shut up now. =P I, personally, don't give a shit anymore. {Or I'll say I don't and prolly go crawling back to Noah again} Matt loves me. Or thinks he does. I thought I loved Richie. I could care less about Richie now. But then... if I saw him again how would I feel? Dammit. I juss dunno anymore. Everything sucks. And Noah is in love with me. And I am in love with Noah. And Matt is in love with me. And I'm in love with Matt. And I'm going to Jen's Homecoming dance with her. And I love Greg. And Greg tells me that my skirt is too short and that it's a turn off. And I love Brandon. And Brandon proposed to me. And Brandon he understood. He's got his ghosts. I'd asked him "Who?" and he was gonna copy/paste the story to me. He wouldn't tell me in person. I didn't wanna read it. For some weird reason I couldn't. It's the difference between reading about the Towers crashing down on 9-11... and being in New York seeing ground zero with your own eyes. The real thing. Raw. Brandon juxtaposed my Noah situation with a heroin addict's plight. Good thought to ponder, really. It is possible that I am not in love with Noah at all, or him with me, and instead we are just both insanely addicted to each other. I mean, I think I get Noah withdrawls. Shit. Or maybe me and Noah really are head over heels in love with each other. I'm gonna fall out of love with Noah eventually. Matt deserves better than me. He deserves someone not ... carrying 170 lbs of emotional baggage. Dammit. I'll get over him. Or I'll die trying. Gonna go sleep now... Dammit forgot to call Matt. Last Entry - Next Entry - Newest Entry ~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~ �MY 5 MOST RECENT ENTRIES� August 02, 2004 [3:29 AM] - Took the HELL test again... July 29, 2004 [3:57 AM] - Forgiveness... Meh. Lol July 28, 2004 [4:54 PM] - Emotional Limbo... *bends over backwards* July 28, 2004 [1:29 PM] - the miracle of Moo July 28, 2004 [3:05 AM] - The sound of the ocean.... .