Last Entry - Next Entry - Newest Entry
Hmmm... yeah. Gr.
November 24, 2002 ~ 4:47 AM
Noah has got this weird idea that I'm tryin' to seduce him. Lol. Weird. Maybe he just needs to get over himself and understand that all my friends are guys and I'm used to subtle flirting just to mess around. And that just because I flirt does not mean I'm interested. And trust me, if I'm interested, I make it CLEAR. Really. Just because I like his hair. He sed something about sexual tension. Like when I pet him it makes him wanna have sex with me or something. What the heck. I dunno. I think he's an awesome person, but come on. Lol. And I guess he thinks that when I meow at him I'm hitting on him. Lol. Really weird. Too bad I meow at everyone, right? And I pet any guy's hair as long as it's pretty? Then there's the thing with his little girlfriend. He sez that she feels threatened by me. Lol. I don't know why. I've never given her any reason to. He told me not to talk to her so I told her that today cuz I accidently started talking to her but I had forgotten who she was. That made no sense. I'm sorry. I'm tired. Anyway I think they are both crazy. Lol. Noah wanted me to pinky swear that I wouldn't seduce him. I didn't do it just to piss him off. Lol. I have no intentions of even kissing him let alone have sex with him. He just doesn't know me very well and he made some wild assumptions. Lol. You know what he said to me today? That why would I be emo cuz I'm the one that breaks hearts not the one who gets heartbroken. It made me so sad. I've spent my whole life trying to make people happy; I've spent my whole life doing my best not to hurt anyone and here this boy who I thought of as a friend tells me that I break hearts. I've gotten my heart broken so many times... that's why I have trouble with rejecting people. That's why I end up doing things that I don't really want to do. Cuz I can't bear to tell them no. That's why I keep the guys that want me (but I don't want) so close and they become my best friends. Because I don't want to break anyone's heart or hurt people in any way. I don't know. I know his opinion shouldn't even really matter anything to me. It's just the fact that I found him to be very intelligent and held him in high esteem. I know I shouldn't let him get to me. He doesn't even know me. It isn't fair how people make these harsh jugdements on me when they barely know me if at all. I hate humanity.
I got to talk to Steve today. It's safe to say that he's still interested in me. Lol. Awesome. Now that is one guy that I do want to have sex with. He's always been rough with me. I don't understand why I never had sex with him. I had been just as bored with gentle guys back then as I am now. I think it was due to the fact that I was still so deeply in love with Abel and he was still so close. I just couldn't have sex with someone else when the boy I loved lived a 10 minute drive away. I still do love him so much.
I got a call from Pat today. My little "fianc�". Yeah. He turned out to be a total dick. I had sex with him cuz I thought I should. How ridiculous is that? Cuz I'm the one who asked him to marry me. Lol. Even though I was just kidding. I felt like it was my fault and I really should have sex with him. He didn't even kiss me. He just had sex with me. We didn't finish cuz I had enough and I told him I needed to go to the bathroom. I just felt so violated. Sex is such and intimate and beautiful thing and he made it seem like routine or a chore or something. HE DIDN'T EVEN KISS ME. There was absolutely no intimacy and no affection. He didn't like me he wanted me. There is such a huge difference if there is only the latter without the former. That hurt me so bad. I couldn't believe that I did that. It's not date rape. Cuz I never said no and I did say yes. Dammit I don't know why I felt like I was obligated to have sex with him, it's not like we were really engaged! I felt so naked and dirty and used and violated after I left him in the car. It was such a horrible feeling. Like when I lost my virginity but without the physical pains. What the hell did I do? How could I let him do that to me? Just cuz he wanted me? Why would I think that I should...? What the smurf is wrong with me.
After we left Pat and his friends we went to Denny's. Steph started talking to these four guys. Yeah, I was just in no mood to be hit on. I lost my appetite. Didn't even finish my potatos! So I was trying to leave. Then we saw the frat boys from DOC. Jordan still wants me. It's kinda nice. Cuz I find him attractive. Not physically attractive but personality-wise. Like I could really like him a lot. Too bad he doesn't seem like the committing type. I kinda wanna commit right now. I wanna feel loved all the time instead of just when I have a guy to sleep next to. I want to feel loved not only physically but emotionally and spiritually. I need someone to raise my spirits and let me believe in happiness again.
Speaking of guys who can make me hella happy but can't/won't: I saw Matty downtown today. That boy is so totally awesome. Kid rocks. He's so beautiful. He kissed me lightly on the mouth. It was really kinda sweet. That boy is so sexy. 24 year old totally my style. I wish he didn't have a girlfriend. I want him for myself. I want him so bad. He would make such a good boyfriend. If I fell in love with him he wouldn't break my heart. As it is, I can't fall in love with him at all. Cuz he's gonna get back with his girlfriend when she comes back from Italy. Makes me sad. Why are the guys that I really want always out of reach? Because Kaitlyn is not allowed to be happy. It just doesn't happen like that. That's not how my life goes. Why do I insist on seeking true happiness if all I get is pain and heartache and nasty rumors and hasty judgements? Why do I still believe in people at all? Why am I still awake? I'm going to sleep.
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~
�MY 5 MOST RECENT ENTRIES�
August 02, 2004 [3:29 AM] - Took the HELL test again...
July 29, 2004 [3:57 AM] - Forgiveness... Meh. Lol
July 28, 2004 [4:54 PM] - Emotional Limbo... *bends over backwards*
July 28, 2004 [1:29 PM] - the miracle of Moo
July 28, 2004 [3:05 AM] - The sound of the ocean....