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damn Adderall
November 26, 2002 ~ 6:33 AM
Mhmm. Peter did end up having sex with me. He's not a virgin anymore. Hehe. He's actually not that bad for a virgin, you know? He'll keep on going even after he's come. How sweet. He's uncircumcised. And he's all hairy down there. Ew. Lol. Oh well. This guy is so freaking adorable. I totally dig him. He's got this kinda possesive thing going on. It bothers him that I sleep with other people. I felt bad. He's such a real sweetheart it's awesome. And he doesn't cuss that much. He's a nerd but he likes cars. And he really is a great kisser. I was planning on cutting down on sex anyway. So I think I'll just play with him and maybe Matty for now. And Jaeson is not even in the picture physically yet. I made him promise not to fall in love with me. I think he may do so anyway. I kinda dunno what to do with him. He doesn't know what to do with me either. It's weird. Like he just can't get comfortable with the fact that I'll prolly sleep with other ppl. And if I stop, he'll be too much like a boyfriend. And I'll get attached. I don't wanna get attached to anyone this young again. It just never works. I do like him. But I can totally tell that I'm not his type. I think I'm too wild for him. I'm pretty sure he thinks the same. He doesn't do anything bad. Ever. He doesn't drink or do drugs or steal etc. Meh. He can be pretty mean though. I saw this other side of him tonight {we all have it}, the cruel side. He was actually talking to Simon on my screen name. He was very mean to Simon and sed some pretty horrible things. I don't know. I know everyone has that in them. It just surprised me somehow that Peter does too. Hey I found DOC Andrew on Hot or Not today. It was funny. He had me for a doublematch. Nice. Lol. That's just hilarious. Dude, I haven't slept since yesterday. I took Adderall so I could do my Chemistry homework and then I'm not doing it. Isn't that horrible? I'm writing in my diary instead. It's like 7 AM. Lenny IMed me, he's off the SCHOOL. Lol. Dang, huh? This is so crazy. It's like doing speed again. I feel all spacey and stuff. It's all bright outside. Peter's cute, he's wrapped up in a cocoon type thing. Aww. It sucks cuz I kept on talking earlier and I didn't let him sleep. I kept on telling myself to stop but I just kept talking and talking and talking. It was horrible; poor thing. And he's got class too. Brad is actually awake right now. He's revising his paper and he hasn't slept either. I am so awake it's not even funny. Oh hey, you haven't met Brad yet. I just met him yesterday, he's Peter's next door neighbor. I slept in his room last night actually. After having sex with Peter. How horrible is that? Cuz Peter needed to sleep and so he kicked me out. Brad was still awake so I went to hang with him and I fell asleep on his floor listening to him type his paper. Then later on he was gonna go to bed so I went onto the bed with him. He's a great person. Very very personable. You know what though? He reminds me so much of Abel that it's scary. They were born 7 days apart. They look nothing alike but they are almost exactly the same. It's crazy. Totally bizarre. He left hickeys all over my neck. It felt good while he was doing it though. I think the guy is awesome. I'd prolly have sex with him if he weren't such good friends with Peter. Peter really doesn't want me to sleep with other people in the first place. But to have sex with the guy he lives next to could be too much for him. He did, after all, lose his virginity to me. So no matter what promises were made, he will still be kinda attached to me. He thinks I'm so beautiful. And it blows his mind that I'm even with him. I don't know why. I guess it's cuz he's been judged by appearance to much in his life. He's not the most gorgeous guy in the world, you know? And he's most definitely the heaviest guy I've ever been with. Kinda chubby but it's cute. I just really like the person he is. He reminds me {look-wise} a lot of Joe. Cept Joe's got the most gorgeous body ever. I've never been one to judge people strictly by appearance, you know? And I'm so glad for that cuz now I've found this totally wonderful boy that I adore. I need to not get attached though. Cuz I know if I get serious with him, I 'll most definitely end up breaking his heart. Peter Libby deserves way better than me. I know some girl Mary on this floor would agree. She hates me or something just cuz I slept with Peter. Or I think. No one will really tell me anything but it's pretty clear that I'm again disliked by someone who's never gotten to know me at all. Mhmm. Childish. High school all over again, man. Sheesh. Grow up. Talk to me, maybe you'll like me, maybe I have valid reason for what I do. Oh I watched Lord of the Rings with Peter. It was really good. There were some scenes that weren't in the book... I wasn't disappointed though. Not like A Walk To Remember. They just killed that book. Lord of the Rings was good. Some great special effects and it doesn't hurt that Elijah Wood is beautiful. Yeah, Brad just asked me "so you and pete dating now? is that what is going on?". I really don't know. I don't wanna get commited to him. He needs someone more his type. He thinks I'm gorgeous, sure, but I'm still not his type at all. I wouldn't do that to him. It would just end in my hurting him inadvertantly and that is the last thing I would want to do to Peter. He's just so damned wonderful. Lol. Gosh this Adderall is so keeping me up. It's like 7:30 and I am so awake it's not funny. What else happened, lets see. Well I guess these past two days I have just been totally hanging out with Peter and Noah and even Steve Chaay, Noah's roomie, came to visit me. Just a lot of talking. It's so much like just having my guy friends again. Just people that will be there as I do something like clean my room. They don't know it, but I appreciate that so much. Noah comes visit a lot. He's gotten the point about my flirting being totally harmless. Lol. And he's not gonna read my diary anymore. Yeah. I hope that it works out well with him and his girlfriend. They seem to be going through some problems... I'm afraid that I was a catalyst of some sort. Noah is a great guy. He totally deserves to be happy. I wonder if he is happy with his girlfriend? Prolly so. If not, I doubt he would have been so freaked about her freaking out about me. Lol. He knows that I won't seduce him though. That's the good thing. He's just like someone who's off limits. Like Jonny when he was with Beth. By the way, I miss Jonny. I wonder if he still loves her. I know for a fact that the last time I talked to her she still loved him. I could see it in her eyes and feel it in her voice. Poor thing. I know how it's like to be heartbroken. I redid my boy lists. They are now typed and on disks. I have kissed over 50 guys in the course of... 15 months. I keep on forgetting that I got my first kiss the end of my junior year cuz I still wasn't really noticed my senior year until like the end of the second quarter. I can never thank Josh Cook enough though, for changing my life. Giving me self-esteem, giving me hope, and giving me a life. I would be nothing if it hadn't been for him. Literally. If I hadn't gotten that self confidence I would not be the person I am today. I would still be hiding. I wonder how he's doing out in Lancaster. He doesn't write anymore. I never got his new address and he never got mine. One of my best friends in the world. Speaking of, I can't believe I forgot to tell Charlie happy birthday yesterday. November 24th. I'll go find him an e-card right now. And Orry too. Wow, Charlie is finally legal and Orry is finally 16. He can drive! Lol. My little boys are all growing up. I need to go see my Chem teacher tomorrow to see about the midterm. I hella plan on passing my one class right now. I got Ws in core and Calculus. I plan on spreading out my classes better so that I don't have two totally bott-hole classes in one quarter. I just have so much other things to stress about. I really really hope that financial aid comes through. Housing is once again charging me the late fee. Cuz my parents didn't pay them the 3 grand. I don't know when it is that they will start the eviction process, but I hope I have the time to get a job and for my parents to get a loan. My dad is being so anal, he won't sell any of their stocks to pay for my education. He'd like rather get a loan and pay the gov't back with interest. What a loser. Why can't he just pay this now and not pay interest later? We are not rich people. The thing is, they do have stocks and bonds and they do that a partnership in the Golden Lotus. There's really no reason why they couldn't pay. I just do not understand my parents. I think I want to distance myself from Stephanie... I'm such a bad influence on her I think. Plus everywhere we go I get hit on and that depresses her. That cannot be good for ther self esteem. So like, I'll go eat in the dining commons with her or something but I'm gonna try to leave her be when she's partying. You know? Yeah. I love that girl. She's a sweetheart. But sometimes I feel she's not geniune. It makes me kinda sad and stuff. I don't know. And I think I annoy her anyway. I know I can get aggravating. I totally just don't get along too well with girl friends. I like my boys so much better. I don't even have really really good friends here. Prolly Stephanie and Peter now and Noah. And you know who I miss? Andrew Catalano. I still love that boy but he obviously didn't want me around. It just hurt me. Oh, it's funny, Peter has a little phone book like mine. Mine sez "Kittie's Little Black Book" and his sez "Player's Little Black Book". See, mine makes sense, Imma kitty. But Peter is so far from a player it's not even funny. Lol. Ooh. I hate it when my hair feels all tingley when I run my fingers through it. And then I get chills and shivers. It's crazy. Adderall has this in common with E. E makes me feel all tingley too. Peter's gonna burn Jen a CD for me. It's a bunch of songs off the Plea for Peace CD. I'm sure she'll love it. She claims that she misses my Linkin Park, too. I'm hungry now. But I'm so not gonna eat. I'm gonna start eating healthier. Or less. Cuz I have a bunch of unhealthy foods. And I'm not gonna waste food. I guess just when I go to the dining hall I'll eat healthy. I want to lose all that fat on my tummy and thighs and be able to fit in size zero again. Lol. Yeah. Could be wishful thinking, but hey. I wonder how Paul is. I wonder if I should just give up on him? He seems so wonderfully perfect for me, though. And I know for a fact that he likes me. He's told me so. But he sure doesn't show it. He never calls. I wouldn't mind dating him. My mind is spinning. It's totally light now. And I can see stuff. So I'm gonna go pee and then do some more of my Chemistry. Buh bye.
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