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what it's like to be hated
November 28, 2002 ~ 8:35 AM
I am in so much pain. Sore everywhere. Such a headache... I had a bad night. That girl Mary who hates me, she emailed me yesterday with: "your one dumb lying bitch..... you seriously are a pathalogical liar... peter told me you begged him.... peter called u a slut himself.... brad said you slept on the floor.. then got naked and got into his bed... so dont fuckin tell me yo udidnt do anything with them because i saw you lying fuckin naked in peters bed... your a fuckin idiot... leave me alone...if you want to avoid hostility when you come into the basement, dont come in here... because just last night we were gonna open a pool and see who's place you were gonna stay the night at next... your a whore... one night with peter the next with brad, then with peter again... dont tell me there your friends.. you dont know them... other than the size of their penis... and they dont know anything about you other than you like to keep your legs open for all to enjoy. get a fuckin life... i know a lot more about you than what you think.. peter checked out the diary thing on the comp himself... so know your facts before you talk.... get a life and go home" after I had emailed her trying to explain myself. I guess she just won't hear any of it. She just doesn't know me. I'm comfortable with guys and I have no trouble sleeping in the nude in the same bed as a male friend. I also think I felt especially comfortable with Brad cuz he reminds me so much of Abel that it's scary. Like his whole attitude and demeanor. Cuz I usually wouldn't have done that with the friend of a guy I'd just had sex with. And yes, I did beg Peter to have sex with me. I was drunk off my butt. I don't make it a habit of begging people to have sex with me. There was never the need. My problem is usually finding a nice way to tell guys "no". And I obviously don't have sex with everyone who wants to have sex with me. I'd have had sex with over a hundred people by now if that were the case. I know that I'm not a whore. I'm nympho but I choose the people I have sex with. (except for the four cases of date rape i've experienced up here and the date rape that cost me my virginity, of course.) And if I do end up having sex with someone unexpectedly, (like Brant fer example) I'll go with it for a while cuz I don't like one night stands. But I'll just stop when I feel like it. Or when I become too attached like in the case with Brant. With Matty, too. I'm most definitely falling for him and stuff. It sucks that his ex-girlfriend might be coming back in January and they'll get back together... I dunno. There are times when I feel like a slut, like when I had sex with both Justin and Brant in the same night, but not like I planned it. Brant was my official sex buddy at the time and he had sed something about not having sex cuz I was getting too attached, etc. Justin just happened. How was I supposed to know that Brant would change his mind and wanna have sex anyway? I couldn't deny Brant. That's the only time I've had sex with two different guys on the same night. Now, done witht he explaining of myself. I didn't even bother to write her back. I couldn't cuz I was crying too hard. It's just hard on me that someone thinks so little of me. She's reading my diary and using it against me. I've lost hope for her. I was actually hoping that she'll see that I'm really not as bad as she thinks I am and become friends. For Peter's sake and mine. Doesn't look like it's gonna happen. I've been too upset over her lately. I haven't been eating at all. Usually when I'm upset I eat a lot. But when it reaches a certain degree, I just lose my appetite completely. I'm starving but I can't stand the thought of food. That email she sent me was the last straw. How could anyone be so incredibly mean? It made me question my belief of the goodness in all people. Last night, after I read that email, I started making little scratches on myself with my exacto-knife like I usually do when emotional pain overwhelmes me. I am (except for in certain bedroom environments) terrified of pain so the physical pain distracts me from the hurt in my mind and heart. I scared the daylights out of myself last night. Because I guess little scratches didn't cut it anymore(no pun intended). I started cutting deeper. I really don't like blood. Especially when it's coming from me. I was cutting at my wrists by this time and there was blood running down my hand. Very scary for someone who's terrified of pain and doesn't even like the game Counterstrike cuz of the splattering blood. I called the number Lupe Allen (my academic advisor) had suggested I call two weeks ago. It's the number of the school psychologist. She wasn't there of course. It was way after business hours. There was another number on her machine that she sed to call in an emergency if I didn't want to wait for her to call me back. I called that number. I was crying in my room and basically I was hysterical. They kept me on the phone and stuff until they could get someone over here. I don't see how Mary could have said Peter isn't my friend. He came over to see me and was concerned. I wouldn't let him in though. I didn't want to see him or anyone really. Except for the people that I absolutely had to see. Two CERs (I think that's what they are...) and Jamie, my RA came in to talk to me. They calmed me down and stuff. Made me clean up my wrist. I had to hold a wet tissue on it for forever to stop the bleeding. It hurt. Now there's a bandage on it. It's still throbbing with residual pain. As is my heart. One of the CERs, (i'm not even gonna try to spell her name, i'll butcher it) actually suggested my having a one on one talk with Mary and said that maybe Mary would realize she's wrong and apologize. Ha. That's funny. People like her, like my mother, don't believe they can be wrong. Even if they are. If they say that the world is a cube then that's the way it goes. ::sigh:: Peter came in after all the people left. I think I told him that I'd be fine. And that I had to see a psychologist at 8. But he was so sweet. He just stood there and held my hand while I was resting in bed. Being a basket case takes a lot of energy, I guess. I was exhausted. At 8, Jamie came with the psychologist so Peter went back to his room. I talked to the pychologist on call, Yanna, and was given a million phone numbers to call. I am to see another therapist on monday at 9 in the morning. And I promised to see a psychiatrist about my medication. Yanna thinks that Prozac just isn't doing it for me. I promised her that I would eat. She made me promise, like made sure that I actually sed "I promise" as if she knew perfectly well the I would never break a promise to another person. Peter came back to my room again after I finished with the psychologist cuz I was really really thirsty and he has water. I was already undressed and in bed. He poured me a cup of water and just stood there. It was kinda nice to have someone there. I was talking to him about stuff. I told him I was okay. Cuz he needed to get home for Thanksgiving with his family. I wasn't really okay. I don't think I ever am. But I was okay relative to how I was earlier. It eases the pain inside knowing that although two total strangers hate me, when I needed love, there was four total strangers who came to take care of me and one total stranger on the phone who was so worried that she called back just to check up on me. The psychologist has me on watch. They took my exacto-knife. I have 2 more. Lol. Yeah... I'm not gonna be doing that soon though. It scared me a lot. Anyhow, the deal is, that someone will come check on me every once in a while in my room. And if I ever want to leave my room, I need to tell Jamie exactly where I'm going and why, etc. It's kinda like having parents again. But then again, Mary did sound like my mom exactly so I guess I'm used to it? ::grimace:: I was told that if I left without telling Jamie or another RA, they'll send the cops out to find me. I'm that much of a danger to myself sometimes, and I know it, so I agreed to the whole thing. She has me on red alert or something like that. I'm gonna try to make it through this holiday without ever leaving my room. I never did finish my Chemistry cuz I got so upset. I'm only leaving my room to go pee and refill water in my bottles. I'm just drinking the tap water right now. That's how thirsty I am. I hope that my parents don't decide to come up for Thanksgiving. I told them I wouldn't go down there. It won't be above them to come up here to see me. Lame. All I need to do right now is to put up a front and smile and act happy and pretend everything is okay. Cuz if they even had a clue that I was cutting myself, they'd kill me. I'm really tired. I woke up this morning at about 7:30. Not even Froot Loops could cheer me up. But hey, I ate. Like I promised. And I did sleep, like I promised. My whole body is weary and everything hurts. I feel really alone. But I really don't want my friends to worry about me too much. I won't even tell Stephanie if I don't have to. It sucks to have people worrying about me. They've got other things to worry about. Yeah.
So, due to the fact that people have been reading my diary, twisting my words, and using my own thoughts against me, my diary will now be locked. If you do wish to read it, please tell me and we will get you a user name and a password. =) I'll have it locked when I think everyone who wants to read it has gotten usernames and passwords. Only giving you guys a few days, though.
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�MY 5 MOST RECENT ENTRIES�
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