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Dammit Noah.
December 01, 2002 ~ 5:26 AM
Grrr... So of course I'm falling for Noah. Lol. I kinda saw that coming. He was on my bed and I didn't kiss him. Be proud, be very proud. That was so weird. I like him a lot... A lot a lot. He broke up with Jen. So he's single now. And I can't even take advantage of that. I promised him while he was still with her that I wouldn't seduce him. Wait a sec... I never promised him. I never actually promised him. Lol. He said he trusted me not to seduce him. I never did actually promise cuz I didn't think I could do it. And I never make a promise I don't intend to keep. I'm so confused though. He's sending mixed signals. I hate it when guys do that. The one lovely thing is the fact that he willingly lets me pet his hair now. That's wonderful. He's so adorable. ::sigh:: I read his diary tonight. He finally gave me his name on diaryland.com (by the way, I forgot to tell you that you have inspired three other ppl to write in diaries, 2 on diaryland and one in his own personal diary). I can see why he didn't give it to me earlier. He says he's falling in love with me in two of the entries. Can you say wow? And here I thought he didn't want me interested cuz he wasn't interested. I think he's still gonna cut his hair but dude,he loves me. He loves me more than I love him. That's wild. I think that's why he's always so worried about my being a heartbreaker. He doesn't want his own heart to be broken. And he was at one point jealous of Peter. That's insane. I would never wanna break his heart. There's just something about him, you know? Like when older guys think I'm like 24 by talking to me. Noah seems older than he is also. It's just there. Someone who has seen a lot of the wrong things. Grew up faster than he needed to or should... Lame. I would seriously consider him as a boyfriend. So he's a boy that I'll kiss but I won't have sex with until I'm sure he's gonna keep me. It's logical that he prolly won't break my heart; he's so wary about my breaking his... But then, that's the same thing that happened with Abel. He was terrified I'd break his heart, so I didn't think he'd break mine. {sardonic laugh} Sure. That's how it worked. I know I say this a lot, but when I have a boyfriend I give him my all. I give him my heart and soul and body, unconditional love to the end. That boy becomes everything to me. Each one of the boys that I have given myself to has given my heart back in pieces, left my soul torn, and my body ravaged. Maybe I'm really not ready for a boyfriend. I couldn't take the heartache. How pathetic. I don't figure when I'm ready for a boyfriend by whether or not I'm over my ex but by whether or not my heart is ready to be broken once again. That is so sad. Noah and Peter made me sad today... I forgot to say this earlier... yeah... they said something about calling me "Tammy" from now on. Ouch. We all know how not funny that is to even joke about. They didn't though. I forgive them. They just don't understand that Tammy may be my legal name still, but that girl died years ago under the violent hands of her parents. The spirit was beat out of her. I still hafta figure out where to get my name changed legally. I could just wait til I'm down south and do it in West Covina. I know where that Superior Court is. But wouldn't it be so much easier to find one up here and just do it now? Humph. I may not even be here next quarter. I need to find out what's going on with that and I need to find out next week. Otherwise all is lost. I am starting to believe this financial struggle a futile one since so far it surely has been fruitless. It just added more stress to my overly stressful life. But then, if I can't stay, I'll never know what would have happened between me and Noah. If nothing even happens in these next two weeks, I at least want to kiss him once. Just in case I am forced to move back to Glendora. Then there's a high chance that I will never see Noah again. Or Peter for that matter. Or Andrew Catalano. That would make me so sad!!! OMG. Never to see them again. That's horrible. It wouldn't even be worth it to be able to be near Abel again. I'd rather be here with Andrew and Noah whom I love so much... Peter who is such a dear friend and means so much to me... Silly Chris who sends me mixed signals all the time but who's been such a true friend to me it's unbelievable. This is all Charlie and Ricky's love but I have even more here and different. I need to find a way to stay. For me and for my friends. For a chance with Noah and/or a chance with Paul. A chance to love unconditionally and be loved back without the constant fear of heartache.
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�MY 5 MOST RECENT ENTRIES�
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