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I'm not playing hard to get, Kat. You've already got me.
December 02, 2002 ~ 10:35 PM
Noah- "I'm not playing hard to get, Kat. You've already got me."
::Kat is in shock::
~"Really? Since when?!?"
-"Since the first time I met you."
That really blew my mind. Who whudda thunk? I really don't understand that boy. He's just so... I dunno... Not ready. I'm trying to help him get over his ex. Problem is I'm not sure if he really wants to let go. And I doubt he thinks I'm worth it. He has, afterall, had a 2 year relationship with the girl. I'm not gonna say that it was an unhealthy relationship; I'm not one to talk. There is a reason why he finally decided to break it off with her, though. Bleh. I dunno what's up with him. He won't even kiss me. But he wants to. At least he's not set on a platonic relationship anymore. Both of us soon realized that it wouldn't have worked. A platonic relationship. There's too much Chemistry between us. I love when he smiles. He generally looks sad and morose. (Cuz he is?) But when he smiles... it's so nice. I really love that. More than I love his hair. He's such a beautiful person. I guess I'm just gonna hafta be patient. I'm worried that I won't be here next quarter. ::sigh:: I like him a lot. I don't wanna lose him. I don't wanna scare him away but I also don't wanna give him room to run back to his ex. Cuz then I'm screwed. It's so nice to know that he does want me and he does like me and he does wanna kiss me. It frustrates the hell outta me. I don't wanna hurt him. He doesn't deserve it. I wanna make him smile and make him happy. Help him deal with his anger. I'm going to therapy now. I'm trying to fix myself. Healing process and all... I wanna help him heal. Cuz he's got all this pain and anger inside. Peter seems to think that I'll break Noah's heart. I so won't. I don't break hearts. I love people, it's what I do. If Noah does eventually decide to share his heart with me, I'll cherish it. Don't you just hate it when you're falling and you know you're falling but you don't want to fall cuz the person you're falling for keeps pushing you away and annoylingly/surprisingly despite that you feel yourself slowly but surely falling head over heels for them anyway? Oh. Well, I hate it anyway. I need to finish my Chemistry now. I actually understand some of it now. Noah was helping me today. He's a doll. I like cuddling with him and being near him. It just feels so right. When I'm in his arms I never wanna leave. It's like this disgusting warm fuzzy feeling. Lol. Gross. It didn't feel like this the last time I was falling in love...
So I went to the appointment today. I talked to two psychologists at one time. Set an appointment for a permanent psychologist to see from now on. Set an appointment for a psychiatrist. They want to increase my Prozac dosage. I think it'll help. I didn't sleep at all last night. Just changed clothes at about 8:50 and out the door at 9. Lol. Then I came back and stood in front of Noah's door like an idiot, debating whether or not to go in. Decided he's prolly not even there, and came back up to my room. I IMed him. Got no response. Went to turn in my Quiz 5 and two completed homework assignments (still have 2 left) then came back and actually did go in to find him. =) He was in bed sleeping. Fully clothed. Lol. So adorable. He invited me up there with him. It was so nice to just curl up against his body. Stuff to chase nightmares away, man. Fo sheezy. We went to eat then we came back to my room to do my Chemistry. Stuff. I'm really tired. I did take a nap at some point today but it was restless and fitful sleep. I had nightmares but I don't remember them. Shadow dreams. Disappears in the light, once I open my eyes. Yeah. My psychologists are concerned about me. I think I'm gonna hit the Chem again now. Bye.
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