Last Entry - Next Entry - Newest Entry I miss Noah. December 12, 2002 ~ 7:09 PM I miss Noah. I miss Noah. Wait... Yeah... I still miss Noah. =( He's back in Ojai right now. I haven't seen him since noon yesterday. I miss him. Grrr... Lol. Meh. Peter came to visit me and Noah day before yesterday. It was really fun we watched "Bowling For Columbine" at the Nickelodeon. I upset Noah a little cuz I was holding both his and Peter's hands during the movie. I felt Noah withdraw from me when he saw. He's still not used to how affectionate I am with my guy friends and especially Peter. Me and Peter have been intimate, making my love for him even more intense than my usual guy friend I think. I really liked the movie though. It affected me a lot. I dunno if it's in a good way or a bad way. It just reminded me so much of the stuff that I learned through Amnesty International meetings and my government class cuz Mr. Saunders was an amazing teacher... He has passion and drive and the will to make change in a world that needs it. I can't help but be profusely dissapointed in my government. So selfish, so corrupt, so power hungry. At times I wish I didn't know. I wish that I could live in ignorance of the horrible acts of violence committed by the United States government and just live my life chasing after the delusion of the American dream. Thinking that the American government is all about peace and kindness and justice and freedom and love. For all. Maybe then I {and Noah} wouldn't be so down sometimes... just thinking about the wrong occuring in various parts of the world and many of those wrongs being labeled right by our wonderful democratic government. Noah got over the whole thing about my holding Peter's hand; nonetheless, I have vowed to not do it as much anymore and not at all when I'm around Noah. He's got to work on his jealousy issues but that is a problem that I don't want to cause if I can help it. Well after the movie we went to get my car a battery since it was stolen. Sucky. Well then we went to eat. And hung out in Noah's room. Noah kinda sorta fell asleep, the dear boy was exhausted. I think I really need to let down. Maybe we have sex too much. Lol. I'm wearing him out. I feel kinda bad but it's not like he complains about his girlfriend loving sex too much. I love him so much. Even though he kicks me off the bed sometimes. {Good thing we put the mattress on the floor of his room, his actual bed is like 7 feet high up in the air; that would be a bad fall to take}. I don't mind. I don't sleep well at night anyway. And twice he has woken me up during a disturbing dream or a bad nightmare. Good job. Have I mentioned yet how much I love my boyfriend? I want him for keeps. Not just for a small amount of time. This is a genuine relationship and I don't plan on letting him go anywhere for a long long time. I still wish he would shave but he knows that I'll love him regardless. I just don't like facial hair. After he shaved off his beard that one night he hasn't shaven again at all. Meh. So he left me at noon yesterday and I came to Salinas with Peter. Peter's borrowing me for a while I guess. He has confessed that he would love to have sex with me again and have a real relationship with me too. I don't doubt it. He thinks extrememly highly of me. It warms my heart to know he's my friend and I do not stop thanking the fates each day for bringing him to me and dropping him into my life. I'm having fun here. Cuz I like to goof around and Peter loves it. He doesn't mind my hyperactive personality. He loves me fer it I think. I miss Noah so much and Peter is always here to give me a hug and just hold me. We went back to Santa Cruz to rescue my car. Peter got it to work {yay, Peter!} and I followed him to Salinas. Oh we had these really really cool walkie talky type things. So the whole time I was following him in my car I could talk to him anytime. It was so rad. He was making fun of my cuz I love how a ton of black birds will sit on a telephone wire all neatly spaced out and facing the same direction. It's so cute and marvelous. And Peter makes funna me for marvelling. Lol. Oh wellz. Yeah anyway, I pull into the driveway, and my radiator breaks. What the smurf. I want to yell at Melvin so bad!!! {Guy who sold me the car}. He still hasn't given me a pink slip and the car has broken down on me. I don't even have the registration and stuff. Grrr. If I were capable of hating anyone aside from my parents I think it would be Melvin Williams. Who I paid $2000. Cuz he told me the car was in great condition. Which it's not. Plus I also have to get a whole new stereo system and stuff cuz he took it out without telling me he would until the day before he handed me the keys. I'm a little upset with myself for trusting him so completely when I didn't even know him. Anyway. I may be stranded here at Peter's... His parents didn't want me to drive through the storm anyway. They really want me to stay the weekend and stuff. I don't know about that. I miss Noah so so much. I yearn to feel his body against mine again and his arms around me. =(( <--{That's my super-sad face, by the way; not a typo.} I love him and I know he loves me. So I carry him in my heart. But I do miss him physically. And I miss taling to him. And seeing the love in his eyes even though I can see it perfectly clear in my mind's eye. Meh. Hey Peter told me something today. That he can't look me directly in the eyes cuz he sed if he does he woulda fallen in love with me. Weird. It's silly, this whole situation with Noah and Peter. Cuz Noah is jealous of Peter and Peter is jealous of Noah. Noah has me, so Peter is jealous for obvious reasons. Noah shouldn't be jealous at all, cuz despite my affection for Peter, Noah is the one with my heart and he is the one whom I am in love with and the one with whom I can see me spending my life with. {I'm allowed to have horrible syntax and grammar, it's my diary, so be quiet. I know that was a horrible run-on sentence} Yeah I spent all last night reading. And even when I finished the book and was completely exhausted, I couldn't sleep. I could not fall asleep for the lack of Noah's body and presence by my side. I feel like Ojai may as well be a seperate country. I don't know how I could get there. Unless Noah comes to pick me up or Peter drops me off there, you know? This makes me so sad. I won't see my love for such a long time {this is my first time being so far from him since we got togther by the way}. I feel like a kitten whose new owner just left it; giving her to a friend to cat-sit. I need Noah's scent and warmth. Kitties don't like to be left by their owners especially if they have just developed the attachment and loyalty and love and that special cat-and-people bond for them. I'm so sad. I feel like staring out the window and meowing for Noah to come. Oh wait, I already did that last night. It didn't work. I just attracted the attention of the neighborhood dog. Lol. I did look up at the sky {you can't see many stars here} and wonder if Noah was looking at the same sky and thinking of me. Probably not. He's got too many other things to think of. Like his grandfather going in for open-heart surgery. My heart aches when I think of his grandfather in such a serious situation... even though I've never met the man. I don't even know if the guy will like me. At least I know that Peter's parents like me. Or I think they do. They are so kind and so hospitable. I have to send them a card sometime while I'm down south. "Mr. and Mrs. Libby~ I just wanted to thank you once again for your kindness and hospitaility. it was very much appreciated. I wish you and your family a joyous holiday season along with a delightful new year. Yours truly~ Kat" Short sweet simple. As most of my cards are. Mhmm . Well I'm gonna go read now. Noah's diary, then the vampire book Peter's lending me. I've read them before but I barely remember them. I suppose I read them when they first came out during my horror story obsession 7th and 8th grade. Hm... I really miss talking to Jaeson and David and Steve and Joe and Jon and Billy and all my other friends online. Jaeson misses me. I think he should start a diary here so I can keep up with what's going on in his life. I'm sure he would object though. I told Joe today that there will be no sex with me when I go down south. Poor boy was so disappointed. I had to break it to him that I have a boyfriend now. He wasn't surprised. He was expecting it; he actually was surprised why I didn't have a boyfriend already. Lol. He thinks highly of me too. Or maybe he just thinks I'm hot. Oh yeah, he does. I don't understand it but I'm tired of arguing about it. Meh. That kid is wonderful. I hope he does give money for buying those DK tix. Yeah. He totally regrets losing his chance with me. Poor thing... I feel so bad. He was just gonna use me for sex anyway. Arg. I need to find a way to fix my car. I wish Adam would come up here and do it. He'd know what to do. Last Entry - Next Entry - Newest Entry ~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~ �MY 5 MOST RECENT ENTRIES� August 02, 2004 [3:29 AM] - Took the HELL test again... July 29, 2004 [3:57 AM] - Forgiveness... Meh. Lol July 28, 2004 [4:54 PM] - Emotional Limbo... *bends over backwards* July 28, 2004 [1:29 PM] - the miracle of Moo July 28, 2004 [3:05 AM] - The sound of the ocean.... .