Last Entry - Next Entry - Newest Entry
I still miss Noah.
December 13, 2002 ~ 7:19 PM
My poor baby is sick. =( Silly boy. I'm proud of him though. He's stickin' to vegetarianism. Good boy. His family ate meat and he made his own veggie food. That made me so happy to hear. Yay. Yeah last night {this morning?} was really bad for me. I'd missed my Prozac a few days ago and stuff. I haven't gotten the prescription filled for the 30 mg. I'm thinking that would prolly help. I dunno though. Meh. I love Noah so much. More than he even knows. I was thinking all depressed and stuff last night. Thinking about what I would do if he ever leaves me. If Jaeson is right; that Noah's gonna break my heart. The damage would be irreparable. I couldn't imagine living my life without my soulmate. I truly believe that Noah could be my soulmate. I do believe in true love now. I was skeptical for so long... I know it exists because I feel it. I see it whenever I look into Noah's eyes. There is such thing as true love. I've talked to him on the phone 3 times since being here at Peter's. I still feel ackward talking to Noah on the telephone. It just feels wrong. It's there isn't any emotional connection over the phone. So... un-intimate. I hate it. Bleh. Yeah, so I cried last night. For nothing. Because I was crying over possibilities. What could happen and not what will happen. Very stupid and very irrational. And very inconsiderate. My being upset of course upset Peter. Dear Peter for whom I have become the most important person. He told me that last night. That in the past three weeks I have become the most important person to him in his life. That touched me deeply because I could tell that he meant it. He has such a beautiful aura. He is one of the few people that will be dear to my heart til the end of time even though I was never {and never will be} in love with him. I love and I forgive and I empathize in the same manner. Effortlessly. Peter is one person who has truly deserved that. And he cherishes me for it. I'm appreciated. Who doesn't wish to feel loved and cherished and appreciated and special? I don't strive for it like Noah seems to think, but I am grateful for the little sugar that I taste once in a while throughout my bitter life. Noah, my love. He embraces change. I longed for change for so long in my life; now that I have gone through a change, now that my life has changed, that the rules have changed {don't need to listen to parents to some extent}, I really don't know if I want anything else to change. It could change for the better or for the worse. Noah doesn't understand that my feeling like he may be my soulmate, it doesn't constitute stagnation and lack or change or growth. It just means, that no matter how we change, my soul will still be complete with his. He's my soulmate. I don't know why I feel so sure of this but the innate feeling of belonging comes whenever I see him or touch him or hear him. I have been known to follow my heart more so than my gut feeling and my head. {Jaeson, I know yer nodding yer head vigorously =P} In doing this, I end up in heartache. I have no doubt in my mind that Noah is the one for me. My heart still skips a beat when I hear him say "I love you" or "Wuh ai nee"{Mandarin for I love you}. He asked my today over the phone why I love him. I didn't know how I should answer that. Because he is Noah Dekkers. Because he wants to change the world, make it better. Because he used to be a spoiled brat but he is above that now. Because he's so damned smart. Because when I'm near him, I feel like nothing will ever hurt my again. Because when I hear his laugh and see his smile, the pain in my heart ebbs and the pieces of my heart do begin to heal. Because even though he hates country music he listened to my Martina McBride and my "Austin" and my Dixie Chicks. And he didn't complain {not too loudly anyway}. Because even though he knows that Peter Parker Libby is in love with my he trusts me enough to let me live with the guy for two days and three nights. Because when we kiss, I feel as if I could fly and my stomach does flips {good ones!}. Because he didn't cut his hair just cuz he knows that I love long hair and I love his hair especially. And because even though he feels like a 15 year old, he is keeping his beard off for me {I think}. Because he takes care of me. Because he is so focused on me when we make love. Because we make love and it's not having sex or _______ or anything else. Because he is trying so hard to understand me and he tries so hard to make me happy and he tries and tries and tries and I appreciate that to no end. Because he knows what's good for him and he won't let anyone else make decisions for him. Because he is so worried that I will be the one to leave him{silly silly boy}. And because everything in my heart and soul tells me he is the person that I want to spend the rest of my life with. I confessed to Peter last night that I love Noah more than I love my cat. I've never loved anyone of anything or any moment more than I love my cat. I love Noah because he is everything to me. And because he loves me and he gives me something that cannot be replaced. He needs not worry about Peter. Or anyone. Like me. He got upset while talking to me on the phone tonight. I forgave him even while I cried cuz he'd hurt me. By saying me that he didn't want me to go see him. And that he doesn't trust me. I told him later on, he needs to understand something about my unconditional love. That it's unconditional. I miss him and I cannot wait to see him tomorrow night at 7 o'clock.
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~
�MY 5 MOST RECENT ENTRIES�
August 02, 2004 [3:29 AM] - Took the HELL test again...
July 29, 2004 [3:57 AM] - Forgiveness... Meh. Lol
July 28, 2004 [4:54 PM] - Emotional Limbo... *bends over backwards*
July 28, 2004 [1:29 PM] - the miracle of Moo
July 28, 2004 [3:05 AM] - The sound of the ocean....