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It is possible to think too much!
December 26, 2002 ~ 1:26 AM
Ah. Xmas day. Nice nice. Away from my parents for a whole 16 hours. Relief. {Maybe there is a god?}{Ha. Ha. It's okay, it wasn't really spose to be a funny joke.} Me and Jenny are spending the night with May and Uncle Hank. Mhmm. I hate their keyboard. The keys are like split in half and slanted out so it throws off my already not-so-hot typing skills, ya know? Yay I got to talk to Noah again. He's in San Diego right now. To think, I was gonna go to UC San Diego. I woulda never met Noah. How pointless my life would have been. I woulda still been skankin around, huh? Cuz I told myself I didn't want a boyfriend unless I found the absolute perfect guy. Well, I never would have met Noah. But then, he's not absolutely perfect. Mostly in the physical department cuz his damned love of his facial hair. Lol. And of course his insisting on shaving his head. Grrr. His jealousy. His anger inside... spite? He's not perfect. But I'm even further from it. I'm nothing like what he's used to. Nothing like anyone he's ever loved before. And regardless of his apparent imperfections the dear boy is perfect for me. That is what matters. I don't plan on letting him ever give up on this relationship. I love him and I want forever with him. His reasons for breaking up with Jen could all have been fixed. I'm so so so thankful that she didn't fix them. Cuz now I'm living a dream come true. He's the best thing that's ever happened to me. It just sucks that Jen might be hurting. I know that I'm not the reason for their breakup but I can't help but feel like maybe I played a little part in it? Which means I've caused the worst pain to a wonderful person. Selfish kitty. Jen lost the man that she's in love with. I know exactly how that hurts. Noah even told me that he could have married her and had kids with her and been perfectly happy. {Got mad chills right now.. thinking about that} And of course Jen is in love with him. The worst pain is to know that it could have worked but it just wasn't given that one more chance. I'm glad I've never talked to her. Cuz I don't know how I would have reacted to her or her to me. If she were mean, I'd cry and feel like I must have hurt her and she hates me or something. If she were just hurt and cried or something I would have just cried too. And if she even began to tell me how much she loves Noah there is a perfectly good chance that I would have made Noah break up with me somehow. That's twisted cuz I love him more than life itself but if I actually knew and heard how much she's hurting, it doesn't matter that I don't know her, I still wouldn't want her to hurt. Noah misses her. I know he does. And I know he's happy with her. Maybe if I wasn't in the picture they would have worked out their problems, maybe they'd be back together already. Hey you know when I asked Noah if he had a girlfriend that first night? He told me he did. I asked him if he loved her. "More than anything." No hesitation. It's weird how selective my memory is. That's the night that I spoke to her on Noah's AOL account I think. You know? I guess we'll just never know. I still feel so so bad for Jen. The pictures of her only bothered me cuz she looks like such a good person and then I know that I'm in love with the same person that she's in love with or was in love with and in any case, someone who has hurt her by rejecting her. And she prolly knows that I'm with him right now. And the thing is that I never wanted to hurt her. I never want to hurt anyone. I got so upset when Noah got mad at me cuz Jen freaked out etc{way back when}cuz I personally didn't feel like a threat. I try so hard to not hurt anyone. And Jen right now... she's in the same position that I've been in so many times but two hundred times or painful and more intense. My longest relationship ever had been a one month. They'd been together two years. I wouldn't be able to be completely altrusitic and let her have Noah again anymore. I'm too deeply in love with him. When I say forever I mean it with all of my heart and soul. I love with every passion that I have in my being. I'm so glad I never spoke to her and heard her pain. The pictures though, she looks so happy with him. I know that they have wonderful memories together. I know that they had some amazing connection {Have I mentioned that I don't miss Abel anymore? It's weird} that me and Noah don't have. So I know that each time they broke up she died a little inside. I just want to give her a hug. Noah answered the phone tonight with Wuh Ai Nee. I love you in Chinese. It rocked my world and I told my whole family and every single female went "AWWWWW!!!" and every male grunted and scoffed. Lol. But afterwards, I wondered if... Iono. Well actually, I didn't wonder. I know he did but I just thought about it tonight. That he used to answer Jen's phone calls with "I love you" also. People might think that this is Kaitlyn being jealous... but it's not. It just made me realize that it is perfectly possible that at any given time, Noah will stop saying that to me and start saying it to someone else. ::groan:: I think too much. I have every faith in Noah Dekkers. He hurts me at times, but he will never ever break my heart. No matter what my father warns. I love him. I think he believes me that I love him more now. Ha! I win. Iono. Or maybe he got tired of arguing over it? That could be it. He means everything to me. And then some. What makes me nervous is that he may also mean everything to Jen and she still might mean something to her. Blah blah blah. Xmas was kinda boring. We ate. We looked at the pottery we painted {I LOVE my cereal bowl!!!} We told jokes to each other. My parents left and May mixed me some gin and tonic. We ate kettle corn. We watched Bridget Jones's Diary. And now I am here typing on my diary. I had a really good dinner. Vegetable Curry. Yum yum. Water. Rice. Very asian din din. Mhmm. Hey I miss Peter. I just thought about that. I don't have Noah's cellie anymore so he won't be able to call me. =( Makes me sad. Maybe I'll email him. Such a honey, that boy. If only it would work to hang out all together. Cuz it's gonna suck if that doesn't work... Hanging out with them one at a time even though we are all great friends and we love each other so much and stuff. Humph. I read his diary, but I can't read Noah's. This computer doesn't understand the command that makes the sine in screen. GR! So yeah, I'm gonna go to bed now. Or... lemme rephrase that: I'm gonna go toss and turn in bed now. And miss Noah. And wish he were in my arms or I in his. And love him over the 124 miles between us. And of course, think think think. Mmmm. I still remember being in Noah's arms this morning. Such a beautiful beautiful feeling. Yummy. I love him so much. I can't wait to feel it again but for now I can cherish the memory and relive it in my lil ol overworked head. I'm gonna hug his sweater to sleep. Maybe I won't have any totally severe nightmares. It's 2:30 AM. I should sleep anyway. K bye. Oh wait. Duh. I can read Noah's diary cuz I can sign in to edit it. Lol. Der.
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