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there's this boi on FTJ
July 29, 2003 ~ 6:20 AM
When I just began using Face the Jury, I'd found this boy. I thought he was beautiful. This was the picture that used to be the main pic on his profile. The one that I saw. I saw him and I read his profile. And I wanted to talk to him. And I did talk to him this one time. He was very sweet the first time I spoke to him. But when I tried to talk to him again in the future... he was very... mean. It reminded me of high school. When people talked back because otherwise they'd look like a dick or a bitch. But they really didn't wanna talk. And they really didn't give a fuck. And they just wanted me to go away. I fucking hated high school with a passion. How many times did I try to kill myself? Gah. {I've given up on that. It's not gonna fucking happen... I'll die when I fucking die}. Such a blow to... Iono... Kitty. I'm always so nice to people. And... I dunno. Don't gimme a chance. I think it's cuz he's a little goth boy. He's very beautiful, though. I honestly don't know why I find him so intriguing. Way out of my league. A thought I did have many many times in high school but not so often now. Now, if someone is out of my league, I forget about them. Duh. Quick, easy, painless. And yet I keep returning to this boy's profile. Just... looking at him... Trying to see... What? Aura? Soul? Heart? Something. Something that must draw me to him. Because anyone who knows me knows that looks can catch my attention but won't keep my interest. Maybe it is because anyone remotely gothic that I try to socialize with basically shun me. Maybe because I like rainbows and no longer wear all black? Not all the time, anyway. I don't wear enough eye-liner? Just don't interest them. I think he's got himself a girlfriend now. I think that they made an account together because they are dating. I don't know whether I am more envious of him or her. She is very lovely. Gorgeous, really. I like looking at them. Creepy? Yes. Maybe a little. I'm not stalking them. And hey, they're posting all this on the internet. Lol. There are bound to be people like me out there. Everytime I open up my internet explorer it opens to my FTJ page and I click on Sparklz24 on my Favorites list, then sullen on Sparklz24's Favorites list. And I just... Iono. Gaze? Lol. Day dream? Not really. Looking at him trying to see that something. Looking at her and trying to see what I lack? What I want to be? I think about Phil a lot. That's his name. Phil. The boy. The girl's name is Cher. Cher and Phil. Phil and Cher. I wonder if they really are those people who think they are too good for me. Too cool for me? Too goth for me? Too dark for me? Too something than me. Elitist. I am not elite. I am eccentric and weird and quirky. But I am not elite. So I am not to be spoken to. I was not popular. I was sweet and smart and friendly. But I wasn't popular. So I wasn't to be spoken to. Too much fucking politics. Even online, man. I think I want to try to talk to him again. Everytime I try to talk to Phil now, he tells me that he is in a bad mood and that I don't want to talk to him. He won't even try to get to know me I wonder how he knows what I want or don't want? I'm not the expert on that, either. But I shant think him the better. I think I shall try again. Because I'm a stubborn ass and I won't give up trying to befriend this boy that intrigues me so. He won't even talk to me. But he's the boy that I'd fall in love with if I met him. The one that I'll be watching from my corner at lunch all by myself with Anne Rice in my lap. The one I loved from afar but never ever had a chance with. The one that made my heart skip a beat when he walked by and I smelled him. Do you think I'm psycho? I'm not. If I was, they wouldn't have let me out of the mental hospital all three times, would they? They would have kept me the first time if I were psycho. No. I just adore someone. Like when people fall in love with a movie star. But more like a kitten newly discovering another living creature... Looks fun, but what is it? Can I touch it? Is it nice? Can I eat it? Can I keep it? Can I even get it? *meow* I think that I am exhausted. I think that I could look at them and judge them, too. Look at the picture of Phil and go "he must be a cocky ass mother fucker". Look at Cher's picture and think "gah, she must be such a fucking bitch, just LOOK at her". And it might be true. And it might be not. But I won't make any decisions until I talk to them. After I talked to Phil the first time, I've known he's beautiful. So I won't change my mind about him even if he has changed his mind about me, apparently. I know that he is beautiful and stuff. Cuz he's a sweetie. Sometimes. If only I could convince him that maybe this random girl on the internet is worth talking to. And maybe I'm not. Or maybe I never was and he was just being nice. I couldn't sleep by the way. Damned insomnia. I drank two shots of Bacardi 151 straight and it already fucked with my Prozac and fucked me up. There was no way I could have taken my awesome "knock out a fat guy with just one" prescription sleeping pills. Now that would have been a serious risk to my health. And I don't wanna die right now. I wanna be with my little 17 year old boy who's way too young for me... I want to find Noah again and see if anything is in store for me... I want to see if I will ever meet Phil in person and give him a hug because I want to... I want to pet a koala in Australia... I want to go scuba diving somewhere very pretty... I want to learn how to swim... I want the scars on my arm to fade and no longer be seen... I want to actually exclusively date a girl... It's very different. Waking up in the morning and not wanting to die. I think too much. I wonder if this counts as talking behind someone's back. I mean, Phil and Cher don't know about my diary. Most people I write about do. I would hate for people to be writing about me behind my back. That's why I fuckign hate Noah for locking me out of his diary when I must be the majority of his entry content. Gah!!! Any computer hackers able to hack into http://theenkagain.diaryland.com/ I will love you forever and maybe do sexual favors for you. Just kidding. I won't. And I don't have money to give you, either. I don't think I can make rent without borrowing money again. Eep! Um... yeah... I'll try talking to Phil again. And I'll tell him I'm talking shit about him on my online diary. Well... I'm not really talking shit, am I? I don't mean to. I mean, I adore the boy. That's why I'm talking about him in the first place. Cuz I never do when I am thinking about him or looking at his profile. So I may as well just write it all in one entry that I'm admiring the kid all the fuckign time. It's hard to figure someone if they won't talk to you. Gazing at the picture can only tell you so much. Um... my back hurts. I'mg onna try to lie down. If only I were able to sleep. Oh. Matt said that I can call him after 7:30! So I might as well just wait until 7:31 and call Matt. Maybe if he came over, I'd be able to sleep. I always did sleep better with someone else.
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