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recap of mi dia
February 05, 2003 ~ 9:25 PM
Well so last night I felt empty and such after finding out about Noah and Jen. Didn't want to see anyone. Wouldn't let Peter in. Told him I wouldn't. He wrote me a letter and made me read it. He's a good friend. I feel bad for putting him through crap. Noah came back. I heard him knock on my door and my heart skipped a beat. It was about 1:30-40A I didn't even look out the peep hole I knew it was him. When I opened the door, though, it took my breath away. I don't know what it was but he just looked so beautiful and so perfect to me. I didn't want him to move. Time stilled for me and I just wanted to remember him at that very moment forever. Savor the beauty of Noah Dekkers. Then he moved forward. So I let him in. And I just loved him. Anything that I was feeling was just gone. I didn't feel it at all anymore. I don't think I was feeling anything but emptiness. And Noah was there. And I just held him and loved him and loved him. He did his thing where he read my IMs with ppl and he did the thing where he moves my windows on my computer etc. He was tired though so then he just laid on my bed while I did my homework. When I finished. We cuddled. And then it was "Okay, Noah needs to sleep now. Give me at least two inches of space." I dunno... it sorta just felt like all that love and cuddling meant nothing. I'm getting used to it. The closing off of Noah. He does need sleep. I went to both my classes today. I saw Matt {Peter's German Matt} in Chemistry. It's so weird how you never see people you know in class until you find out outside of class that you are in the same class... heh. Anywho. After Calculus, I came up to my room and was promptly visited by Peter. Who told me that they have Froot Loops in the dining hall. Woohoo! Of course I was gonna go to the dining hall then. Noah's class was gonna be out at 4:30 and I knew he'd prolly be hungry so I was gonna wait for him. I went to the health center instead and set an appointment to get a referral for a cardiologist and an optometrist. I'll drop in again tomorrow for a psychologist. I couldn't wait 3 hours just to set an appointment with a psychologist. So I came back here. And I was prepared to leave to the dining hall without Noah when Steve comes walking in. So I got my calculus homework and started doing my homework in Noah room. I was asleep when he got back. When I did wake up we decided to go eat. And he started looking for something on the computer. How to make amphetamine. And I thought we were gonna go eat. So suddenly I was being annoying again. Internet went down. Serves him right. Yeah... We took a shower when we got back from the dining hall. Then I was promptly kicked out of his room again. So he could study. Cuz it's oh so important. Just not as important as spending 9 hours at Natural Bridges and eating clam chowder with Jen. Mhmm. Sure. And he won't even sleep with me tonight. Cuz he has a class at 8. Okay, last week, if it weren't for me, he would not have made it to class. I was the one who kept on bugging him so he would get to class. Sure Noah. I love you, too. Dylan asked me a good question today. {He wishes to remain anonymous so he's just Dylan for now.} Well it wasn't really a question. He said "try and look lets say like a year ahead...you and noah arent together for whatever reason it doesnt matter but do you really think your gonna look back on this time as a really good point in your life or something that you regret" It could have been a question. He's just not too big on punctuation. Anyway... I dunno. I didn't think about it long enough. I told him almost immediately "I've never had anyone love me back before. It's an amazing feeling". I know Jen regrets. She says that he wasted two years of her life. But the thing is, me and Noah are progressing. I'm learning to love life and love living and love loving. Noah's really very bitter. He sed I was irratating for wanting him to sleep with me. If studying really was so much to him he would not have played ping pong that one night. He would not have spent 8 hours at Natural Bridges. He would not have stopped to sit in front of Stephanie's room and talk. He would not spend hours upon hours on the telephone. {10:30P update- Noah Dekkers is on the telephone!} He would not have played counterstrike. He would not have played DDR. He would not have checked his email every 10 minutes. He would not have been online searching for how to make amphetamines when he could have done his all important studying instead. It's not just me. I'm actually trying to let him do his thing. I just like sleeping with him. Last thing I see at night, first thing I see in the morning. Beautiful thing, that. Seeing the one thing you love most in the world right when you fade out and back into the world. I'll do anything to undo what I've done to his academia. But I just don't feel like sleeping with me is so horrible. I mean, there are a ton of guys who would love to sleep with me! {I'm sorta just kidding but it's true} Ehhh... I'm so exhausted. I'm gonna do my homework first. It's too late for a nap. Gosh I still remember that first kiss. When he was laying on my bed. And he was scolding me about taking Aderol to stay up. And I told him... that I'd stop taking it if he kissed me. And he did. I will never forget that moment. I was in disbelieve. My heart was racing. We weren't officially together yet. So I was just... in awe. I couldn't believe he kissed me. Short, sweet, perfect kiss on the mouth. I'm gonna do my homework. And go to bed. I'm going to keep my door open, set my alarm to 7A, and hope that Noah Dekkers will be in bed beside me when I wake up. It's just hope. I don't really believe in faith much anymore. So I don't really think it's gonna happen. Almost no chance at all. But hey. Maybe, right? It's possible? The door is wide open. He will or won't walk through it. We all know he can. The question is if he will. We'll see. Off to calculus land.
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�MY 5 MOST RECENT ENTRIES�
August 02, 2004 [3:29 AM] - Took the HELL test again...
July 29, 2004 [3:57 AM] - Forgiveness... Meh. Lol
July 28, 2004 [4:54 PM] - Emotional Limbo... *bends over backwards*
July 28, 2004 [1:29 PM] - the miracle of Moo
July 28, 2004 [3:05 AM] - The sound of the ocean....